Day 364 - One years worth of blogging

364 days of posts in my blog.

almost one year worth of posts, one day away from a years worth of installments

I never realized how close I left my blog off so close to what would have represented a years worth of posts.

I see my posts I've made through that time as honest in just letting everything loose. Being free to just let everything out and simply try to apply some self forgiveness or give things some purpose or substance, structure.

Around the time I stopped consistently blogging was a couple of years ago.

That seems crazy, but I can only see a handful of posts between now and 2017.

I didn't fall off writing, or fall off process and my purpose and direction when I left.

I came back to blogging immediately after my actual lapse and leaving process and self forgiveness around 17-19 years old.

I took that initiative to start blogging immediately because it was something I remembered from Bernard, something I saw as valuable and important and a way to put myself forward and build up momentum.

This endeavor was a complete success.

The time that I stopped blogging around 2 years ago exactly (which again seems unbelievable length of time to have passed) was the most successful and thriving time off my life.

I got through massage school and found fantastic employment upon graduating in the massage industry, and met my girlfriend/fiance who I am now walking process together with for over the past year, funny enough meeting her within a week of getting hired at my job, very fateful, beautiful reassuring timing, and now moving to try to support her to start her life and success as well.

I didn't try to seem like I knew it all in my blogs, so i'd just let loose, nothing to hide or gain by seeming like I'm anywhere other than where I am, and I wouldn't say I'm too far along even now two years later, but I'm very happy and excited with where I am, what I've accomplished, and where I plan to go.

 I was discussing with someone about the 7 year journey to life through vlogging and blogging.

and I in that conversation recognized how much of a support it was for me, that I was afraid to participate to see others to be involved, but throwing together a blog really putting myself into it putting something out there and really trying was nice, even though if that was the most of my participation just throwing a blog out into the proper forum or facebook page, and then making a run for it, hit an run, just about every time, write it out, share it, and then flee, run for the hills as fast as possible, don't look at anyone else's posts, don't look at any other information from anyone else, don't look at anyone else's face or words, just throw a post together with some fun, creativity, care, and then run as fast as possible to not see anyone else and be challenged, be scared, feel doubt, feel lost, I would maintain my bubble as much as I could while still trying to share and participate in just a little way.

That little bit of participating did get me a long way, I can see it, the moment I stopped blogging, it was because my life was beginning, and I was actually getting busy, and getting real more than I ever had before.

I would check in on the views I would get on my posts, and wonder, was that on track, was that what I should have posted, was it just a joke, would people check what I wrote just to ensure it wasn't filth and slander and sadistic just to know if I should be disassociated with.

This same battle with myself is why I left for a time, why I left writing self forgiveness and did things in a less productive more stubborn way a long time ago.

Inferiority, and Superiority.

There were these amazing fantastic unstoppable unquestionable magnifcent people in Desteni.

Instead of walking my process at a pace for myself and considering myself and what I need individually, it was how can I be like them? How could I compete and compare to them?

There were a lot of different factors, but that was a very big one, I walked away a long time ago, becuse the process, the 'game' to me was polarity, inferiroirty, and superiority. To defeat and compete, but not even having the slightest dicipline and will to follow through.

So I changed the game, made up new rules, and played alone.

I didn't write, I didn't want to particpate at all, and alone there was no one to compare myself to. No one to compete with. I judged myself as not good enough, and resolved to just walk away and not face the challange, to isolate and supress and escape.

That choice to walk away years and years ago, possessed me, I was fighting, struggling going no where trying to mantain this new life new direction which never would have gotten me anywhere, and when I got back, I struggled and fought the same demons that lead me to leave, created many more problems in the wake of my return, fighting to gain status, fighting to boost my position in process.

I will continue to walk until the day I die. I trust myself with that completely, without doubt or question.

The question and doubt comes in the form of, how far can I go? And has my deceisions and choices cost me the chance to ever achieve what I saw then and now in others?

Will I find the will, passion, dicipline, effort, application needed to really go as far as I can in this life?

I have never felt more physical real in my living, never felt more focused on the things that can be tracked, traced, have evidence, take suffering, take pain, take dicipline, take percervernce and endurance strength and courage.

I don't know that I have or haven't changed for the better or worse since the first day I heard Bernard speak and eventually decided that I was on board for whatever it was he and everyone was talking about

But I know that I'm more on board then ever before,

In the beginning it was all so beautiful and wonderul and self forgiveness felt so good and it was a fantasy a dream, and I fell when I found the truth was what I know my life to be now.

What little I am building up and developing, proud of and valuing, didn't come from positive feelings or pictures or a fantasy.

I am on board now more than ever before, because for me, the veil has dropped since then, not a part of me sees the road ahead and thinks there's a fantasy, a dream, pretty pictures or images or energy, i see turmoil, struggle, fear, fighting, hating, surrender, standing, cycles, failure, anger...

And I'm proud that I can see all of this in me, and see the truth that it's equal to the world at large reflected back within me, as a part of me, and that I'm just as excited and motivated as I ever have been before.

I see the pain, hardship, and reality of what must be done starting with myself, for myself, and I am more happy than I've ever been in my life, and excited to see what I can moving forward.

This time...

I commit myself to not let time slip past me

I commit myself to become the person I dreamt of being

I commit myself to follow through with what I started almost half of my life ago.

And most importantly above all else... I commit myself to walk process for myself.

I commit myself to build myself up until I'm ready to walk together side by side, not in a state of ego and competitive insecurity.

Day 363- out of the woods

For the first time I feel like I have everything in my life exactly where I'd like it to be.

I haven't been writing online consistently for almost a year, in this time, over the past year I've graduated from school and have been employed in the massage field. I've been with my girlfriend of 9 months who I have introduced to my personal spirituality in self forgiveness/desteni and she has been very willing and interested to participate and engage with the material with me, and we've gone to lots of cool places and trips together.

I got techno tutor to expand my relationship and processing and living of words, in seeing and learning how words can be integrated as a part of who I am in real time.

Still living with my mom, and now girlfriend living with us as well I have saved up a lot of money I've been able to support the Desteni farm with/earth guardian foundation.

Massage has helped me get into better shape and has been very rewarding and enjoyable work.

I have worked and applied myself everyday to get to this position where I am now in my life, and no matter what happens I know what I will do, and trust my stand to keep going no matter what happens good or bad.

I've grown so much and evolved so much in my own perceptions over the years hand in hand with self forgiveness changing the very perception I have of myself and others the way I understand myself and the world and how I interact with it.

Stepping away to focus on everything happening in my own life has been cool and sometimes necessary to reassess things. I've seen how much learning and being involved with other people can make a big difference for myself, how the support of others can quantify my process and how it's been selfish and arrogant to have made myself struggle and refuse the open offering of support from so many other people over the years.

I've come to terms with where I have faltered or created conflict or consequences in my life, in writing my self forgiveness and continuing to press forward, I find myself in a position where I'm so happy and surprised by the way things are I wouldn't imagine wanting to go back and change anything if it all meant that I would be lead to where I am now.

I have learnt more humility, to be humble enough to accept I have hardly begun, I've got my entire life ahead of me to keep pushing myself and my application and journey in life.

With breathe being a big part of my application, my breathe as a reference right now in this moment validates everything I'm saying, in every breathe in and out, focused, intentional, with purpose, I feel everything I'm saying resonating and I feel pleased in a way I never have before with my life and with myself.

I have formed the structure in my writing online that I'll often get right into the self forgiveness like everything else be damned, but in time I've realized how self forgiveness by itself is nothing without the story besides it, how you apply it, how you follow through, how you change, how you keep track of if you're standing as your words, it's not just the self forgiveness it's the commitment to change and it's who you are in the very words.

I've found out where I've been misconceived about what it means to stop my mind, and through being more and more introduced to words and living words and through the portal learning all of the things happening behind the scenes I've realized more so what it means to shift from consciences to awareness, learning and seeing every day in real time, breathe by breathe how one can embody and express a moment, to be present to look, breathe, move, touch, be calm, be relaxed, be focused, to flow to express, to explore... I think there is so much happening in a single moment, in a single breathe in any situation that the mind couldn't even begin to comprehend.

I am excited to find a whole new way of understanding process, and having such a firm confident grip on what I'm doing.

I have been able to come to terms with some of my ego in relationship to comparison and competition where in the past I've ran away for at some points over a couple of years, wanting to be in my own special bubble, not wanting to face how far I have to go when I compare myself to others, feeling belittled and in such belittling and diminishing myself... And yet, now, I can see I don't know who anyone else is hardly, where they came from, who they were in this life, or a past life, what other forces were at play, ones genetics, ones being, ones choices, ones mind, ones environment, there's so much spinning around that has lead to who I am, and so who anyone else is too, that it's not even worth the time, who did the most, who is most disciplined is a good reference for myself, to motivate myself, not to compare or judge to become inferior frozen in shock.

I have learnt and been applying myself more physically, where in the past I was only looking at stopping my mind, as I adapted a better understanding of what process is, I realize how important it is to get physical, to work with my body, to live words to take the whole thing, take everything into consideration and to just go for it all, not just one side of things, to work hard while still leaving time to play, to explore, but also stay structured, to be alone and figure things out for myself, but still open to what anyone says to grow more by sharing and cross referencing.

Even doing good on not smoking cigarettes lately, one of my biggest hardest points to face.

I don't think I know much yet, but I'm happy with where I am, I accept how much further I have to go with the time I have left on earth and am happy and excited for that as well, I don't know if things will get more and more better or worse from here, but I accept it either way.

I don't write this expecting it to be spotless or perfect, everyone must work with who they are and where they are, and trying to hide myself away in judgement of where I am has only lead to further abuse and compromise.

Here I am, and here I will always be. 

Day 362- Pushing and resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face resistance and stand even when something seems uncomfortable or challanging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to commit to something if it seems difficult or challanging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that deep down actually living and real development beyond games and entertainment seems more gratifying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than moving and being happy and proud to live the dicipline and structure to really develop myself and assert who I am and will become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand and commit to who I want to be and become by simply structurinr what must be done and facing and willing myself through the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate my life and process with shortcuts and illusions instead of simply moving through the resistance and creating who I am and what I express within that movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone trying to avoid the inevitable instead of standing and facing the pain I inflict onto myself through my mind and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the resistance of others showing me parts of myself to be moving through and facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that my life doesn't get too difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited to see where I can simply forgive and change to face resistance and actually move myself physically and practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than having the grit and strength and will to do what I must do in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with myself for not giving that little push each day which may have made a big difference in who I have built myself up to become over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to face the resistance of changing the Dynamics of interaction with others where there isn't always a positpos happy relationship but being shown what is wrong and needing correction through myself and everyone I interact with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is more pleasure to be found in avtactua moving and facing myself than to run and hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse and not face the resistance when the call had come to me to stand and fight to forgive and keep going and never give up.

Resistance

Re set stance

I redefine resistance as showing me where I am not standing and have failed to stand.

I redefine resistance as a force preventing another force from coming through completely.

I redefine resistance as a force showing me to myself where correction is needed.

I commit myself to everyday keep pushing and facing the restsiance within myself to change and correction.

I commit myself to never let go of the fire within me which can see and comprehend my potential to actually change and move myself physically to action.

Day 361- Building

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and consider that who I am is built up every moment and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that I am building my personality every moment in every thought and action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that I'm building my behaviour in every moment in everything I do each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed to have negelcyrd to care that I've been building my life directly dismissing my oppritunity and giving into suppression and inferiority as who I am and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate looking at my life as who and where I am and seeing that besides the external things I cannot directly control everything I am is what I have built upon every day without any care or drive to assert a better standard of life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for building a life that I would prefer to be better instead of taking action now and forgiving and changing moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate myself furthering the issue in during so and further Building up myself in blocks of self judgement and self defentions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to build myskdm and my life up should it challange my own self interest in my mind as pleasure and energy and gifts without work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build mysekm up in excitement as energy without any follow up building excitement as an exspected on that everything will come to me without any effort on my own part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to build myself up and structure my life once hitting enough dead end and conflict to accept there being no choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take a stand to have built up my life with integrity grit and honor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself to build a better life for myself and others in any way once reaching an apex climax of abuse and misuse of everything granted to me many times over repeatedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up in grief and guilt as if I should 'feel bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let anyone in to support and reflect any kind of guidance rather building myself up in my bubble and my ideas safe for a short amount of time before the bubble pops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consistently and effectively utilize my self forgiveness as a to of support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed having no idea where or how I'd even like to begin to build myself up and even begin to change or correct any part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame energy for not building me up correctly instead of seeing how my creation and psrticopartic and allowing of enegy to be me and represent me was all my responsibility completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy all the seeds I had once began to have planted in a state of competition competing my self and what I am building with everyone else and so giving up to build my own destruction which no one else could compete with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bill the physical as making the physical and other being pay for what I desire to build in my mind justified.

Build

I redefine build as to create something of structure or substance piece by piece collected and assembled over time.

I commit myself to build myself up deliberately in each moment.

I commit myself to not let anything be built of myself and my allowance which I do not accept as tolerable or acceptable.

I commit myself to build together accepting what I build as equal to what others build as themselves.

I commit myself to build something of myself with real integrity and foundation that will always stand.

I commit myself to realize there is no giving up just building strictures within oneself worth less than what I realize could have been built.

Day 360 - Strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until I'm in the worst negative mind experience before accepting that I need real strength to move myself and take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to not try to take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into living strength and immidetely falling for the pitfalls and traps I can create.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to learn strength through depravity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire strength as a feeling of energy to come and sweep me off my feet and make everything better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling in face of chaos where I might have a chance to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't reach the finish line I've imagined to exsist in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth having a chance to become strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the strength in structure and discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear possibly in my minds eye having potentially one chance right here to decide what I want to do as strength moving forward and hold onto that expression until the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise letting myself find strength in others outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish withholding all strength I could ever possibly find outside of myself waiting for the strengths within me to suddenly magically be and become as if ordained or deserved without question like magic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I may not find the strength in this lifetime to clean out the mess I've accepted and allowed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the strength to try against all odds my mind I've allowed to believe exist against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never finding the strength to face the cross over at death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what I'm living for in each moment to have any strength for any reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exspect myself to push as hard as I can physically in each moment to be the only strength possible.

Strength - I redefine strength as to move forward pursuing the potential I see as bests for myself and all as life even in the face of impossible odds accepting the possibility that the odds that I believe in my mind could always be misconstrued.

I redefine strength as being able to stand up to what must be done.

I redefine strength as moving to act on something good worth value even when difficult

I redefine strength as to stand down and be easy and at ease when needing to balance myself out.

I commit myself to command myself as strength to come back to writing and speaking self forgiveness for the support and great guidance of self honesty that I need.