Day 48 - Redefining Strength

I need to be strong.

To work, to walk my process, to be able to form relationships that are meaningful.

It is a long walk ahead, and I need to be able to support myself in each moment.

What have I learnt about being strong?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define strength as the vigor to live in a certain way, as outdoors activities, and working out, and being masculine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as strong, because I did not identify as a fighter, or someone who pursued the challenge of physical endeavor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my vocabulary as defining what strength is to such a specific unattainable point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within my disassociation from strength believe within myself, some people are strong, and some are weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not rise and divide the challenges I must face in my life, because I have created strength within a polarity as a definition based on personalities which go out of their way to fight, work out, and face challenge on their own volition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that facing challenge is what builds strength as being able to deal with specific conflicts and is a kind of self discovery, but that strength as who I am exist in a different way, than someone who might go hunting, or boxing, or enjoys sports.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself not as strong, because I don't lean toward doing much within sports, working out, or many outdoor activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within every thing I have ever done without real strength as the living word because of a bias to what real strength is based on persona's which seem to simply exude strength, while other's do not, or the opposite as seem weak, easily pushed aside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself as life be pushed aside because I did not see myself in my life time as strong, therefore, if I was not only neutral, I was existing as weakness, as if not just indifferent, unable to rise to the challenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to rise as strength of will, of devotion, of passion, of compassion, because I placed myself within the matrix of polarity as strength and weakness, where I stood in the middle, or leaned toward weakness as a personality structure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conform myself to this personality matrix structure by involving other's, where I could feel as though within myself someone else had power over me, because I was weak, and within this blame upon them, it allowed me to enforce upon myself the power of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself here as what I live and do and say to be weak, while my mind is strong, as allowing myself to define my mind as strong, and me as weak, as fighting back as the underdog taking on the formidable opponent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind is existing as strong and I as weak, when this could not be, because it is a mental construct, and so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my mind as superior where I experience thoughts and backchat as being forced upon me by a magnificent being and I too weak to stand up against my mind within many encounters within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight back against the precised threat of my mind as I realize that this has enforced the strong and weak system, and that there was no reason to fight, as that fight was what created and ingrained the system of strong and weak into myself further.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to extend my mental conflict of strong and weak onto other's where then it seemed as if the whole world was existing just as I perceive my relationship to my mind, and within this, I see how my perceptions of strong and weak within myself has carved how I see and interact with the entirety of exsistance.

I commit myself to take the fight back to myself, where I realize the world is here, still, and immovable, and that it is my mind which perceives other's as strong or weak, or myself as strong or weak, where the fight against the strong is just the mind trying to balance things out, as balancing a system fabricated by energy, where no real balance is achievable.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization that fighting within my mind against the perceived strength my mind has over me as power, is what ingrains this system deeper within me, as when and as I see myself fighting my mind for compulsively bringing something up that I do not want it to, or overwhelming me with emotion or feeling, as I realize me not wanting to face these points is weak, and my mind is standing as strength where I should be standing as consistently bringing the points back to me, knowing that it is what must be done, where the mind must be faced as sure as the physical stands in each moment, the physical stands, and the mind cannot, so the mind brings me back to what I must face just as I must stand in strength to face these points on my own.

As seeing the total falsehood, and mental fabrication as the very limited concept of strength in this moment, I assert a new meaning, as a new living word for and as myself to move forward with.

I commit myself to redefine, and live as a new meaning of strength, where strength is not only physical muscle and mass, but also the capacity to take on internal conflict and face it without wavering, to move within myself and my reality with purpose with authority as the strength to face what is inside and out, as the strength to lay on my death bed not doubting my life and my decisions, but making decisions and making my life till the last breathe, as the strength to both endure my injuries, and to question why I am in the place I am to begin with, and having the focus and discipline to begin to face myself and all of life here and coming up with a remedy as within the best interest of all and one, as I realize strength within standing together.