Day 52- My Father's Death.

It's easy to say I've moved on from my father's death.

It's easy to say, because I don't think about it, I don't look back on it.

For the time after the fact, I would speak to people about it, and only to hear consistently the horrors other's have faced in losing family.

There's that voice in me that says others have seen far worse, everyone has had a great loss at some point, and so I never backed down, I never looked back, like I had something to prove, that if all the people I talk to had only faced similar loss then I should be strong and move on.

After his death I was 18, I got my GED, started working, went to college for a little while, and now at 20 I work 3 jobs, I don't even think of it I just want to work, I'm writing again as well, I have ambition, I have direction.

It's like his death propelled me forward, or like I have something to prove. Prove that it didn't affect me, prove that I can go to school, can be a hard worker, can write, can form great relationships with people.

I don't know if me trying to prove something to myself had anything to do with him, but I cannot accept that his death is resolved within me, with no conflict, no compassion, maybe everything I'm trying to do in my life now is just me compensating.

I should be mad, I should care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to make myself mad, as to try to trigger something within me in relationship to his death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to rile something within me because I don't want to admit that I cannot see anything protruding within me in relationship to his death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeming cold to my family, for not embodying the disdain towards his death which I should as the closest one to him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gone the past couple of years believing that I simply do not care, when the moments I had with him, what I learned from him, who I am as his son is and was ever present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as wrong for not experiencing a loss, when instead I realized everything I had gained.

With his absence I could see clearly the relationship I formed with him, I could see my own potential, I could see what I am capable of.

In stepping away from my relationship to him after his death, I could not see having lost anything, I could only see what I had gained. What I gained through the times I had with him, and what of the times now? There's no relationship to be had, only to hold onto what was, as living the relationship.

I am the living embodiment of my relationship to my father.

I do want to look back, not on his death, but on his life. To see how I formed in relationship to him, to see what I learned, and what I did not in my time with him. To only move on as improving, doing better, realizing what more he had to teach me, as what I need to teach myself.

I commit myself to looking back at my relationship with my father for myself, and without fear.

I commit myself to live with what is and ever has been here, and to realize what's done is done.

So what relationship do I have with his death? I have been thinking about it all wrong.

I think about who he was, what he embodied, what he represented to me right now and I cry for him for the first time since he passed, I cry while he was dying, before he died, but never once after for 2 years, because I never stopped to realize how I was looking for a reaction to his death, but not his life.

I can remember now all the things I saw in him, the humility, the honor, the respect, the things I want for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realized that moving on from his death, was moving on from the things I had to learn from him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad that I never learned these things before he passed, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize why he passed or what it meant is irrelevant, as I know what to take from it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed that I never learnt the traits I saw in him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be be ashamed that in my life I have been confused as not giving myself the reflection on these traits that I needed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never learnt humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never learnt honor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never learnt respect.
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It was not that he failed in teaching it was that I failed in listening.

I commit myself to move forward knowing what I need to learn.

I commit myself to learn these traits, I commit myself to live these traits.

There were no loose ends in relationship to my fathers death, because I was not willing to hear from him while he was alive, so what would have changed upon his death? Until I made the decision today for myself.