I'm not speaking about a drug fix, I mean a mental fix.
I came across the idea yesterday in my writing.
In regards to how I suppress my mind... Not deal with it as writing it out speaking it aloud, changing in self honesty and self forgiveness, reasserting who I am in different words, moments, aspects, relationships.
I used the example of driving off a cliff, it's just living common sense, don't drive off that cliff, steer the other direction.
Another example is violence, don't hurt anyone, does not matter if you I didn't write out for myself how to approach if I were to be so angry or afraid that I might hurt someone, at all costs do not do it. Whatever is in my power should be used to be sure I never initiate violence with someone.
If I had violent impulses then it's certainly a priority to write them out, but I'm referring just to examples of when we automatically do whatever it takes, when writing or speaking self forgiveness is not available.
So for me what I'm mainly referencing is work, I have moments to myself to do self forgiveness when I'm alone at work at times, I have people whom I've shared the concept to who would not be bothered if I were to say a few lines to myself, just to have something.
I want something to help me get through work, not a drug, and not because I do not plan or expect myself to write out work, but it's not just to write out work.
Mind, body, constructs, relationships, thoughts, reactions, all the things I hold onto at work affect my ability to just get things done, to just be there and be with myself.
I cannot measure or predict the amount of time it would take to master myself at work. Yet, I'm devote to applying myself one day at a time.
I might get there in time, but for the time being, an internal fight will be commencing.
First and foremost, I commit myself to continue taking points back to myself, no matter how long it takes, as I commit myself to get it done, a real fix, a real change for myself.
But for the time being, I challenge myself.
I challenge myself to make a fix for myself when I struggle, when I'm in pain, when I need support, but am unable or unwilling to write. The end point being to write, to sort through the mess and clean it up for real, but to in those moments have something, to create something, imagine something, experience something.
This would have sounded contradictory at one point in my process, and in a way it is.
I'm trying to be 'here', not somewhere else as energy off in my mind.
What I realized is, when I write self forgiveness, speak it, realize, self honestly, and reassert myself as what is best. I live the words, I live the change, there is nothing to be done in the mind.
I know this because I tried to change myself from within my mind for years, only to come back to the community, come back to the team, to come back to the living word. The real change, self forgiveness.
Some things may align me more or less with self honest and self forgiveness in my day to day, like if I chose to just day dream all day long, intentionally throwing my mind out there into fantasy, if I were to not remain with myself as breathe intentionally shutting down my relationship to my breathe.
If I'm struggling at work, emotionally physically, I need to take those points back to myself to nurture myself, to forgive, and prevent the same occurrence from returning. Yet, I cannot just sit down and write things out, I'm at work, what will I do suffer? Suffer the rest of the shift? I have 10-11 hour shifts regularly, get home defeated, not willing to write, go do it again? Gain no traction, gain nothing. These are the moments when i need something drastic. I can make the time to work a day that long and still make time to write and study for several hours. Yet if I do not maintain the discipline and demeanor to do so, something must be done, a temporary fix, where how I got from point A to point B isn't so much important as that I got there, point A being work and all obligations, B being work on myself my self obligation, my self forgiveness.
So what? A spiritual experience? That's something that drew me into Desteni in the first place, no I do not see Desteni as having anything to do with spirituality now, but it got me from Point A to Point B, my life before Desteni, to my life now. Point A needing me to simply write a few things out, make some connections, why did this happen, how did this happen, point B allowing me to do so.
I'm in a struggling addiction to entertainment, I work all day, and just want to lay down and tune out, play games, watch videos, all of a sudden it's the next day and I've accomplished nothing, unable to utilize the time I have to write things out into this depth for myself.
So Point A to Point B.
It sucks when I spend my free time playing games and then all of a sudden must go back to work unprepared, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I tried to circumvent getting to the point of my creation, I tried to write out a 'patch' a means of simply focusing on my writing and on work and studying Desteni and news, focusing on my relationships with myself and others, but I feel beneath the weight and all of a sudden I'm doing that which I tried to patch, neglecting everything, just working, going home, and turning off, again and again.
So not to say I wrote things out in depth, but that things need time, the different angles, aspects, relationships, dimensions, perceptions, ideas...
To discover for myself what Point B is? Where am I going from here? Blogging everyday, Point A, blogging certainly lending itself to Point B, but only in time.
Consequence, work, go home, play games, go back to work.. Death... That's the consequence, nothing ventured nothing gained.
I do not have to will myself to write, to will myself to do what I need to because of consequence, I can act, create, imagine, pursue, challenge, manifest.
Just get to point B! Just write it out! There is no quick fix in writing things out, yet without a quick fix how will I get myself to write?
For me it will not be drugs... That is a commitment I have made for self. Except for cigarettes which I'm still working out.
But, for everything in-between I challenge myself to go wild, create, invent, pursue, just get to point B, just do it, somehow, just do it, all will be in time, in writing, but for now just let go, breathe and enjoy, be wrong make mistakes, fail, just figure it out in time.
I've had something on my mind today that I think will fit in well here.
"Que Sera, Sera" Whatever will be, will be.
It's just like get a grip man! Live your life, express, feel, love, hate... It's all already in motion any way. It's already been sown.
Do what you can to make it through the day, but take it back.
Just one blog for now, my minimum, I don't know what I should be doing or exerting within myself, all I know is to take the points I experience back to myself in self honesty and self forgiveness, at-least once a day in blogging, that's it, expand good, just leave no room for retraction, and then...
Que Sera, Sera... Yes everything within me is already in motion, my momentum is death, my momentum is destruction... But when I write, when I forgive myself, I have an opportunity to change, and apparently it takes a long time to realize myself within that .
So for when something just needs to get done!
I might say, I challenge myself, because I felt like demanding from myself was too much circumventing the problem through force, which is perhaps not so much my style at the moment, but to challenge. I challenge myself to read more of other peoples blogs. I challenge myself to write more. I challenge myself to enjoy myself at work, have fun, express myself, be myself, and if I discover this being myself is not representing what's best, don't stand for it as how I'd like to express myself anymore, reassert myself in a better way, and try again, be myself, all of a sudden when being myself is what's best for myself and everyone else, being myself doesn't seem so misguided, it seems practical.
I only have 40 minutes to post this blog so I can have one for today...
But I want to do self forgiveness for something... I'm going to wing it...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define how I express myself as 'who I am'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask myself within this, what in the world does what I express have to do with who I am?
A good question, I'm my body, my blood, my bones, but am I my words? Am I what I think? What I do?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself in certain ways that might help me succeed in my ventures in work and life and writing when I don't even know what expressing myself is yet, so why fear it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crate myself into certain ideas of who I am as personality, and within this never once said to myself, I'd like to have a great life, to improve myself, and share that within myself with the world, as being the change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as life as being the change as the expression of who I am.
So be the change, change myself, change the world... The system of the world is based on our own minds, the world is one and equal to what we create in our minds, so if the mind manifest banks, prisons, torture, and war... and those are all real... Does the mind manifest who I am physically?
Does the mind bend the body? My mind has hurt my body, so I know there's something in that relationship, where the real reality change because of mind... So the mind is reflecting who I am when the mind is reflecting what is best for the body?
Best for the body as best for all bodies... That's a mind I can get behind, so what matters who I am? Point A to point B, be the change, do what's best. Challenge yourself, slowly surely, time not an obstacle, just get there some how.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so caught up within 'who I am'
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize 'who I am' is the same as 'why is the sky blue', just a thought, either I have the answer or I don't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get so caught up in the thought of who am I? That I do not live embody, and realize who I am as the best I can be for myself as life, for myself as one and equal to all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let 'who I am' hold me back.
Que Sera, Sera... Who am I? I do what is best for life in all ways, in each breathe... that is who I am...
I challenge myself to become that in my life.
I challenge myself to embody that in my life.
I challenge myself to find a way to make that happen, because that would be cool, because that would be the end of the story, because that would be Point B, the end, paradise, heaven, hell, purgatory, to be here and do what's best, nothing else would matter.
I challenge myself in all ways.
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