I like writing out existential day-to-day things. Stress, fear, and anxiety are the kinds of things I would see myself as wanting to write out. Simple, in how relatable those points are, and in allowing me to work and function with better ease.
I write out things that I think will help in pertaining to work, but here I want to take a step back, and recognize whatever I write out, will support me in all facets of my life, in whatever aspect which may occur.
So I don't need to so much constantly tackle my direct existential problems, like stress, and anxiety, and realize in taking self responsibility for anything, I am taking on self responsibility for me, allowing me to navigate better in all facets of my life, and interpersonal relationships.
So I sit back and I think, how do I want to tend to the weeds? What do I want to trim down.
Control.
I postulate, predict, prepare, presume, and pre-meditate.
And secretly, I really think it 'works'.
Like I can just walk into a situation with all outcomes covered.
Like I've already been there before it's happened.
Even if I could 'control' what happens between me and another person, what is there to gain?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the need to control who I am within my environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in these moments not see, I am trying to manifest a certain outcome between my relationships with myself and others, but in that never take it back to myself, and ask, what am I doing here?
That throws me off, like, I know this is what I want... But why?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so stubborn in my need to create certain outcomes in my world, that I don't allow myself to flow naturally as to see where I stand outside of my identity of what I want to create.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my world, because I fear being hurt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the oppritunity to be hurt within myself emotionally and mentally, when things don't play out the way I intended.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize in trying to control my world in not being hurt as ego/emotion, I didn't stop getting hurt, I just changed it so that when I make a mistake and get hurt, it was because I screwed up in my approach.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for doing something wrong, when I get hurt mentally, instead of taking back to myself, like, why do I not see that I am the one hurting myself? Why am I evading self honesty, in favor of unreachable goals, as trying to just have total control.
It sounds on the surface like some kind of relationship gone wrong and 'I got hurt', and then was stoic and cold and tried to control everything after that day.
But I do not see that, and have no outstanding memory that would really justify such behavior.
It's not so hard to see it from the other side, not a defensive mechanism, but a means for things to work out in my self interest.
There's the resistance. When I unveil something and know it's a revelation, because I do not want to talk about any longer.
Self honesty then resistance, garnered through, self forgiveness.
That might just be it then.
Self flagellation. 'I can have more, and why should I?'
I want everything to work out in my favor, always, and without question. No loose ends, no mistakes. What a work out in self righteousness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to come to terms with my mistakes because I want to control who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be above mistakes, instead of equal to them, as accepting them and learning in self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to my mistakes in saying this is not who I am, and in trying to control everything within myself my mistakes and flaws only seem bigger than what they are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to fix what is 'wrong', through means of control, without ever asking myself why it is wrong, and why I need to control it.
What else can I say? I need to 'control' what comes next, I need to know the perfect way forward, the best way to proceed.
But I don't know what it is, there is none, it's fabricated.
I try to control every fiber within my exsistance.
How to proceed...
Simple... I commit myself to stop trying to control my reality, and instead discover what is actually made of, outside of my manifestations of control.
I commit myself to realize who I am as control, and who I am here, as able to make decisions, that exemplify what is best.
I commit myself to realize what it is I am trying to control, so I can realize for myself, what is better off unscathed by the mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment