Day 64- Occupied vs Self Occupied.

I don't identify as someone who get's bored.

But as I have begun writing out my relationship to the Internet and entertainment and to my own mind, I can see, that I am always preoccupied mentally, somewhere some how.

If I am in a situation where im spending time with someone, at work, at school, outside, I find a way to mentally occupy myself, and when I'm at home, I'm on the internet so that keeps me occupied.

I am an occupied territory.

I have invaded myself, and am under total lock down, so I'm not bored, I'm too busy surviving myself one way or another.

Within the Desteni vocabulary, I have learnt about, honest vs Self honesty, awareness vs Self awareness, forgiveness vs Self forgiveness.

So I'm thinking, right now, I wake up and go to bed, and everything in-between is occupied, even my sleep is occupied by dreams.

I'm not self occupying, I'm occupying my mind, my experience.

One thing that I notice is when I'm listening to a song and start to feel an expression or emotion arise within me, and I try to almost push myself out of my body and let the feeling in response to the song take over an drive me in that moment.

So where else am I occupied. Within the expression of work, the flow the pattern the interactions with coworkers and with the physical feeling in my body. Sometimes I have gotten so occupied by all the experiences at work, that I have a shock like, 'I feel like I just woke up', or like 'where am I? What am I doing?' Where I am so much occupied by all the experiences at work, that no of course I'm not bored, but I'm certainly preoccupied, and not here in the work.

One more example, I think about times I have gone for a walk or a hike. And it's like I take it all in, but take it all in as a mental experience, where I let this environment and my mind merge and let it sweep over me, where maybe for a moment or so I'm really just in my body walking hiking, but the rest is constant ebbs and flows of conscience experiences, maybe I have a spiritual moment, or a day dream, a thought, and so hiking and walking just becomes a way to be out in the open wilderness where I can let my mind be wild and free.

It seems like a far fetched idea, that my mind is just utilizing my environment to express itself in a different way, but makes sense, when I'm at work, I feel different, not because I'm working vs sleeping, but because 'I as consciousness am at work now'

And so that becomes the basis for my mental occupation.

Right now I'm at home, not even that I physically am in a certain place, but that my mind is currently expressing itself as someone who is at home.

An interesting example is actually games, movies, TV. Where I might feel scared by a horror movie, but in reality I'm totally safe and secure in my house with my dog and the doors locked, but I'm not self occupied within my environment, I'm mentally occupied within this movie, so am occupied by fear of monsters and ghouls and demons and ghosts in this horror movie.

Cool to flush out a new concept for myself, occupation vs, self occupation.

To be here, look, see, smell, feel, move, interact as self occupation.

Or experience, react, feel, emote, dream as occupation, as being pre-occupied by the past as programs.

So, where I start here, is how this relates to a point within me, that occupies me a lot I would imagine.

I am afraid of the idea of just being here.

This will be a big step for me, and is a cool reference for my progress, where the sheer thought of just being here in silence nothing moving as mind systems and constructs ect. Is something I have subverted in just keeping writing, keep pushing myself in my life, to come back to the Desteni community and to self forgiveness and self honesty to realize my mind as it stands in no way is supporting me for real.

I'm afraid of being in silence, without being occupied a
nd just self occupying.

Afraid to just listen to a song and not feel and experiences and be moved.

Yet, what really deep down drives me forward at this junction, is knowing or at least being able to precieve that what I'm doing as writing and self forgiveness is what's best for me, and that means to be self occupying self, occupying the space I exist within. I'm pushing forward but the fear is still holding onto the idea of living a fantasy world separate from what's here.

This is even scarier than a ghost or goblin in one of the horror movies I mentioned, to face my real fear, my real existential fear.

At least in the horror movies I'm mentally occupied by the fear, so don't have to face the fear for real in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self occupied where my mind is not moving me as energy and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commiting myself to self occupation will mean I will be giving up on my dream world and forced to self actualize my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of just being here without my mind's backchat and drama and agenda.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of being here, when in reality I don't even know what just being here and just knowing and just acting out what's best is really like.

I fear the idea of being here, even though it's just a fictional idea that I have never self actualized, because I fear having to give up every last strand of indignity I have formed as my relationship to the system as the system within myself.

So the ultimatum, either stay a system in just even one little way and I'm still and only ever was a system, but give everything back to myself, and I live.

Like being buried with treasure when you die, trying to take just one thing out of the psychical and with you in death, but the body rots and the gold or treasure remains where it was.

The physical world is waiting for me to come back, to totally come back, no stone unturned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of totally giving myself to self occupation because I fear not being able to call it off whenever I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize if I can call it off and am still holding on just a little, than I was never really here and all I was calling off was my own mind.

So what is really going on here?

I fear the process, because I cannot just be 'here', but I can infact walk 'there', as 'here'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being here as something of a possession which will just occur out of nowhere, and within this allow myself to fear the idea I have created of being here, without ever having tested that definition thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make false claims and false definitions of what my process really is and really represents because I don't want to face the long road ahead.

Where if process can just end, and I'm suddenly self actualized without ever having done anything, that's the idea and definition I have created, and fear my very own creation, as I realize how my actual actions for real and the direction I have taken my life has been based on a fiction, a farce, a fallacy, a fabrication. I've not walked out anything for real, only created mountains of ideas and definitions. What's the saying go about mountains and molehills? Don't make a mole hill into a mountain? 'He makes mountains out of molehills'

I fear being here, because I fear walking the process to getting 'here'.

I fear that life is a process in itself, and has ups and downs, and good times, and bad times, and sometimes I wish I could just be here unmoved, and sometimes I with I could be occupied, because that would be an easier way to not face what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being here and being unmoved means not having to face what is here, when it is in fact the opposite, as to face what is here within all dimensions, in all ways including the mind.

My mind cannot stretch long or far enough to encompass what is required of me to be here, and must be shed.

I must shed occupation, and reassert myself as self occupation.

I'm always occupied,

So, I commit myself to taking another step for myself, as seeing what I need to support myself, facing self forgiveness and self honesty and reasserting myself, as taking the following step,

I commit myself to always push for self occupation.

I commit myself to always realize who I am here as occupying myself as breathe as the body, to firstly override the temporary replacement system of life as the mind, and later facing in self honesty and self forgiveness why life was preoccupied with a programmed system in the first place.