I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the feeling of falling asleep.
I say the feeling of falling asleep, because the more I think about it, I don't feel anything while I am asleep, I only experience dreams while I'm asleep, which sis a entire different matter.
All I really know about sleep is the feeling of needing sleep, and the feeling of drifting off into sleep once I've laid down to rest.
I wish I always could get more sleep, but that doesn't really resolve the issue, because I'll turn down sleep, fairly regularly, when I have a day where I could sleep in and max out as much sleep as I could, I usually will just get up once I'm up, to begin activities.
I want to sleep forever, is how I experience my relationship to sleep.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep forever, which basically means I just want to die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to drift off into sleep forever, which in theory is the same as dying, when I have things I should be doing with my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sleep forever, when I cannot create myself, or my world and reality when I'm asleep forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be responsible and live my life and create a better world for myself as equal to all of life, or create whatever is best for life, as that is how I should live by example, not by sleeping forever.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize sleep for the most part is just the feeling of needing sleep, and the feeling of having gotten sleep, implying that sleep is probably mostly energy based, and could be much better directed in my life.
What happens during sleep?
My awareness shuts off, and I feel like I've slipt into another dimension, and I am all of a sudden awake, with no comprehension of what just happened.
My current idea of the perfect sleep is, I go to bed, and I drift into sleep mode, or the sleep dimension, but I don't lose my self awareness, I just keep breathing, and can relax and investigate myself during sleep.
I commit myself to create that sleep for myself.
Yesterday I was worried about my mom falling asleep on the couch, falling asleep on a couch is not food for me, because I'll wake up after a few hours with cotton mouth, sweating, feeling disassociated, and then will hobble over to my actual bed after having a drink from the refrigerator.
For a long time I've been actually trying to create my perfect vision of sleep, but I fail every night.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself, in not creating the type of sleep that I would like to have for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail at making myself the person I'd like to be, where even if the person I'd like to be isn't the best person, It's for me to realize and discover that.
I commit myself to continue to try to make the best sleeping experience for myself that I can.
I want to switch over to something else for today.
I want to write about another thing my mom said, she said to write about dealing with difficult people, which can happen to anyone from time to time.
What really got me thinking though, was how much dealing with difficult people seemed to imply blaming them as being difficult, it seemed more like an opinion, a personal strife in relationship to someone else's behavior.
My mom had a good point, and I want to try it out somehow.
So I think, anyone can do that, and it can happen to anyone, when someone just makes things more difficult for you, mathematically, I do the same thing to other people from time to time, there's so much tension and stress, that it just happens.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when someone else gives me a hard time, and intentionally makes things more difficult for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the other person's perspective and experiences and consider why they did what they did, and within this, not immediately going into hate or spite, but allowing myself to understand what is occurring, to better approach and respond to the actual situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge someone else as being bad, or mean, or saying that's just how this person is, when that's not what I would like to give to myself, where I'd like to be reasonable, and give myself many opportunity, but how can I when I judge other's as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other's action's that I don't like, or make things harder for me personally, when if I actually opened up the situation within myself, I'd realize it is having nothing to do with me, as it wasn't my actions and decisions for another to make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's when they have affects on my me and my life that I don't agree with, because it is easier than actually standing up to or facing the problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with attacks on other's character, when I'm just fighting fire with fire, as creating the same problem that I did not agree with in the first place, showing me the need to find a way to take the problem back to myself, resolving the fight alone, because the fight is just between me and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate my internal conflicts by making other's complicit in my own contrived con, as conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have trouble dealing with other people within myself, where I take another person, and I put them inside of myself, and I'm comparing myself to them, and basically putting each of us in each other's shoes, and not liking what I find within myself in relationship to them, where I say, if I was them, and I had done that, I would be a jerk, so there a jerk, when really I was the jerk, for judging myself a jerk, and not supporting myself to the best of my abilities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge my system's up with nasty thoughts as fueling my backchat reactions and perceptions, which influence's me to not utilize my ability of taking it back to myself, where anyone can do whatever in the whole world they'd please, but my only responsibility is to take my relationship to said thing, back to myself, self forgiveness, I'm neither obliged nor responsible to forgive any one else, only my relationship to anyone else within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being influenced by nasty thoughts and reactions of anger as normal and natural, to excuse myself form having to face how much harder things become when I react, and act out of spite as thoughts and perceptions, and totally negate my ability to simply take the point back to myself, and forgive it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize nothing can be accomplished when I'm blaming other's and cannot even see the point within myself, meaning I cannot even forgive until I have admitted I have a problem.
I admit I have a problem.
I admit I am the problem.
I admit I cause problems for other's.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause problems for other's where I would just the same like to not have problems caused for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself as evil, as creating problems and conflicts for other's where I'd like to think I do no such thing, when it is never so simple.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's as evil, where I am in total fear of seeing the parts of me within myself that are vile or evil.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself having nasty thoughts and perceptions about people, as I realize and utilize the skill and art of taking it back to myself, as realizing who am I in this situation, as the relevant point needed to take self forgiveness, as realizing I have a problem, not blaming another for also having a problem equal to mine.
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