In this day I redefine control, because when I started writing today's blog I felt like I had no control over myself, I felt very unstable, like I was losing my grip, and I really had to struggle to get a grip, to tear into myself and find something of substance which I can take back to myself, which became the word control.
The beginning of me feeling myself out through writing, and when I began today's day begins here;
'Fuck...'
That's pretty funny.
I'm laughing that I feel as though yelling is the best I can articulate my mind right now.
"Ahhh"
"Fuck!"
"Why?!"
"No!"
"Ohh god..."
"Just stop"
I'm going to stop smoking cigarettes... But then I'm not, but then I am, but then I'm not...
I'm going to do this, but maybe I'll do this, today it's this way, oops I just did that, ok, tomorrow things will be this way, nope they'll actually be that way... Ok.
I want to be in a rough patch.
I decided I wanted to be in a rough patch, things seemed like everything was going to be perfect for me, things were going too well, and just as I thought, it's all the drop of a pin, and things are upside down again.
There's more to my process than self forgiveness.
I need to have better discretion.
I need to be more direct.
I need to be more patient.
I need to pay more attention.
I need to care for myself better.
I need to communicate better.
There's no amount of self forgiveness or writing that I can assert within myself to fully prepare myself for a single day.
Just hitting a breaking point, floundering, falling apart.
In self honesty, I can't comprehend what's going on.
That fixes everything, I don't know what is going on within myself, but I should be able to articulate myself better.
I can't make sense of myself right now.
Ok, let's really think here, I'm seeing that I want to generally improve who I am.
I'm seeing that I feel a little unstable. My thoughts are going a little crazy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that I'm going a little haywire.
There's no need to be upset.
I just want to be alone when my mind, when myself, is going on the fritz.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen for how unstable I am within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I feel stable, because I want to assert as myself as being stable by comparison.
I'd judge anything, a bird, a cat, a dog, any person, if it could just make me seem better.
Judgement of stature is not a productive or self honest reference point, but for me, the point that it is failing me is the problem.
Writing everyday, the other ways I try to improve, the ways I try to support myself to apply myself, none of it stands on it's own, I have to apply myself.
Ok, what about tomorrow?
What can I do for tomorrow?
Let's take things one day at a time...
Tomorrow, let's redefine a word that is pertinent for tomorrow?
Let's think of a word... Control is one word, i feel like if I weren't trying to control the outcome of so many situations and just did my best to breathe and do my best at work, I'd right now, like that a lot.
Control, right now, let's see, in trying to control my life to create a certain outcome, I'm seeing myself trying to force myself to do things, forcing myself to get out of bed, forcing myself to go work, forcing myself to do my best job, forcing myself to write.
I've created through my jobs and through my routines, and through writing a controlled environment.
I see I'm living control through force, I control myself when I feel like it.
I'm not realizing self control, I'm not realizing what I want to have control over in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control things outside of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not control myself when I don't care about the consequences of not giving myself self control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control myself to be more stable without utilizing self control in recognizing what is building upon the instability within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself by working and writing and giving all this structure to myself in my life, as I realize it's done nothing to structure me as myself, I've structured me within myself by learning about how to support and guide myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control as dominance, control is control, dominance is dominance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself with paranoia where I'm not controlling myself through self trust and self direction, I'm assuming that I will default on giving up, because that's how I've acted in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through judgement, be like that, don't be like that, that's good, that's bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself because I think I will give up other wise, as soon as I find a way out, I perceive myself as taking it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself through fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through feeling tired, where tired becomes an excuse to give up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through energy, where I can energetically manipulate myself to get the results I want.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through my identity, where my control can all come together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control oth
er's so I can achieve my personal gains.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the personality of control, where the gains out way the means.
Where has 'control' led me? To no where's vill, to instability.
I can't control myself because I haven't realized self control,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself where I've seen real potential for self control through self realization where I'd rather go with the flow and give up on control when it does not suit my whims.
I get it, you can't get there until you're there, you can't see the potential and try to force the outcome.
I can't control myself until I realize the strength within myself to reach for what I realize is best, and commit myself to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to force change within myself without controlling myself to realize why I should change and facing the resistance within me in self forgiveness and self honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself from within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my fate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my actions, where you don't care about the consequences, I just want to be in control.
I'm good at being in control, now that I think about it, but what I need is self control, let's shift this external control to self control, to be aware of the consequences of my actions, and hold myself accountable, easy.
I can see the potential in this word, in redefine it.
I redefine control, as having nothing to do with anything outside of myself, as realizing control as self control, as always having to do with and starting from myself.
I redefine control as not forcing myself to do or not do anything, but controlling myself through realizing what's best for me, and taking action.
I redefine control as being about self, not controlling from within my mind, but controlling as myself, controlling the outcome which I create within myself, controlling myself to act on what I realize is best without fear or judgement of the word, nor the actions I take.
Where I can find this word, is through time and space in each action, and decision, and realization, and how I control myself to do my best through self honesty and self direction.
And I direct myself in each breathe, so, when and as I see myself having the opportunity to live my new definition in any way at any moment in any breathe, I stop, breathe as I realize controlling myself is unconditional, and not based on judgement or spite, and I commit myself to take a breathe any time I can, period, when I see myself faced with an objective or encounter which requires severe self control, and in this moment I'm controlling myself, yet I'm free to move myself without judgement or ridicule, I'm free to control what occurs within myself as I then commit myself to control myself by guiding myself to see realize and do what is best for life.
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