Day 147- Conspiracy

I enjoy watching videos on you-tube about martial law, WW3, conspiracy, end times type videos.

It's like it breaks the mundane, all of a sudden when I'm watching these sorts of videos, it's like I live in a different world.

There's some information about crazy and outlandish things that seems credible and sometimes not credible.

The point is that it starts to affect where I draw the line between what's real or not.

I like to watch videos on you-tube with my free time, but podcast, video games, comedy skits, they don't move me into this realm where all of sudden the sky is falling, and the earth is moving from beneath me, they don't affect my perception of reality.

The outline is that, I have no supreme interest in this kind of information which is not common place information; because there's no real way to apply it, it just messes with my perception of reality which is fun for me, like I said about a break from the mundane, all of a sudden aliens, and technology, and the future, and the past can all be totally different than what I always perceived.

The other element is that this information that may or may not be true of any conspiratorial subject on you-tube just doesn't matter, in no way do I change the way I live my life after hearing about whatever it is I stumble onto, except maybe I might become influenced to not want to go outside and feel a little sketched out about everything around me.

Which is the low end of the high, which is what conspiracies have always been for me personally, a way to 'get off', to get high and then get low off information.

There's also the part of me that allow and wants to just let my guard down and be taken for a ride by all this information, to just become a blank slate and let someone guide me into another reality where my perceptions become totally warped.

I would consider the kind of videos I'm referring to as like anything else, there are more legitimate news based things to watch with real information that is very relevant and worth learning, and then there's much more degenerative programming online which has no validity and isn't trustworthy information.

So, it's not like I'm getting high off exploring these realms of perception shifting, I'm just becoming moved within my relationship to reality, it's that within me there is the desire for my reality to be more than what it appears to be on the surface, to desire to suddenly find myself living a more intriguing life, a more substantial relevant life, to be alive on the precipice of something great or horrible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate my perceptions to create the experience of living in a more interesting world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world I see around me on a regular basis as pointless, where outside of my process of coming to life, there doesn't seem to be anything substantial in my existence.

This reminds me of another form of videos which I used to be into, new age, spiritual videos, basically the complete opposite, where utopia is coming and the world is becoming enlightened.

It's funny how the flip of a coin, in which video I might watch, would define my perceptions for that moment or that day.

A coin flip to decide what planet I'm living on.

It's the same thing with the spiritual type new age stuff, it's just the other end of the polarity, everything is coming to an end, or there's about to be a new beginning for humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I live a relatively boring life compared to the action and amazement that occurs in these videos speaking about the future of humanity good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived into not realizing there's no practical application of any of this information and it's all secrets in the mind and how it came to be is unclear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life as boring for not being what I've seen it could be through the internet, as I realize I have no reason to believe that what I've seen through all this information on you-tube videos could ever actually be applied or come into existence for me through my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive a divide between me and the world around me where I don't want to stand as one and equal to the world until it fits my mold of what I want to see around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from standing one and equal to the world around me because I've defined the potential realities I've learnt through you-tube videos as being better, more fun, and more interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in not recognizing that the messiah isn't coming, the devil isn't coming, whatever real events that may or may not happen will all be based on reality and not the imagination experiences of what the world is or is not.

Because I would have to be consuming these videos and information constantly for me to start living as if it were reality, for me to start hearing voices and calling them angels or CIA operatives in my head, which has never happened to me either way, but is where I see that kind of possession leading to, where you're not satisfied until it's totally consumed your experience of reality, and even then nothing really changes around you.

So, that's the thing, how I perceive reality does not change reality, it just changes my relationship to reality which can cause some minor changes, but that's no different than deciding what I want to eat for dinner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my perception of reality, as I realize my perception is based on myself, where within myself am I not satisfied with the life I am experiencing through creation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create alternate realities of which my reality could never compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete within myself to make change within myself to thus affect the reality outside of myself, never realizing in self honesty who I really am in relationship to what's around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my perceptions by taking them for a ride in leading them down all kinds of different dead ends searching for a feel good experience to take me further away from the reality of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my perception become warped and in doing so create instability within myself making it harder for me to function and come to terms with who I am within my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any perception of my reality as concrete as I realize the difference between actually seeing something and perceiving it through the lens of the mind.

It's funny opening up this point because I enjoy my life, and I don't think it's mundane, but compared to the high octane perception bending experiences I get when all of a sudden I watch a video and the earth is flat, or aliens rule the world, or demons exist, or Sasquatch or wolf-men, these are undeniably very impact experiences, when I believe that utopia is coming and I can sit back and look at the pretty pictures of what it could be whilst playing no role in it's actual manifestation as myself.

So, just interesting about perception and beliefs and the experience of things being a certain way leading to different kinds of misalignment.

The big point is the perception manipulation and warping, if I watch a video that tells me aliens are here or there, it should make no difference within me unless I'm allowing myself to become misaligned in reaction to the information, unless they're standing beside me speaking to me there's no application to the information, I'm just creating a fantasy world in my head.

When and as I see my perceptions of reality becoming moved or shifted, I stop, I breathe, I realize for myself what is really moving within me which is leading to a change in my experience of reality, and I commit myself to make sure that I remain directive within my breathing as I realize my breathing is my best reference point of what is and isn't real, thus how I should perceive and interpret reality.

So, I think that using 'I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself', on top of reformatting my commitment statement a little bit, did wonder for my writing today, apposed to using 'I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself', so I commit myself to use I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself as my way I write my self forgiveness online.