Day 252- is there more depth to me?

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One of the words that defined my beingness, from my beingness reading, was depth.

On a day to day basis, I in my mind see a lot of stuff moving just energy moving, I can see little habits and tidbits in my persona and personality, I can see little movements and reactions here and there, and it's constantly like where's the depth?

My depth has been anxiety and stress, where even fear, where I've been writing out and speaking out a lot of these fear, anxiety, stress stuff that is what really eats away at me, and as I clear the way, I'd imagine things will start to open up more, I'll start to find more stuff to pick at, more depth to my dimensions I live in within my mind.

 A lot of the points I deal with tend to be like, ok I'm stressed about this thing, well, stress doesn't support me to do anything, stress makes things harder, stop making things harder, stop the stress, that's the why to forgive the stress, and then I formed it for this this or this random pointless reason or character or system, where I'm lazy and don't do things on time so then get stressed out when I have to do them at the last second, but I decided to postpone it for so long.

So then it's like that's the surface level outline for a lot of things, where there will always be a need to speak it out where even if I see that's how it is speaking it out-loud will always open up more dimensions and put things in words for me to work with and word out in my living.

It's just like, I know there is more depth to my mind and my creation and that there's no way all that I can see of myself on the surface is all that there is to my mind and how I've lived and become my mind as a character.

As I reduce stress and fear and anxiety in my life, while taking on more responsibility and improvements, as I see myself slowing down and not being so quick to act out my separation or impose my separation onto other's, I can see the ground being cleared to go in deeper, to live the word depth by physically speaking and writing self forgiveness in depth, as going into deeper lengths of myself in speaking and writing as a physical living of depth, to have more depth as interaction with what I do and not just do things to get them done but to really get into the depth of the actions I take and the words I speak.

To live the word depth, I can't just get to the bottom without digging my way there and clearing the surface, so I commit myself to clear the surface and pick my way through myself as long as it takes, where I don't want to dive deep into myself where I'm not comfortable I've seen the surface levels through to completion, where I build my self trust in living and correcting surface level things, day-to-day improvement things.

I want to take a 'deep' look at what I'm trying to walk in my process right now, so on a conscience level it's like if I start day dreaming and find myself directly participating with the day dream then it's like on a conscience level stop and then breathe, same with thinking, where those are two things that can just happen, but then by not feeding into them it helps to not keep fueling them.

Then in interactions and movement speaking real world physical body stuff, it's like when I speak I want to be speaking and living a word not speaking from a feeling or emotion or preplanned conversation.

Then generally trimming away at things, little improvements pulling the weeds, like through forgiveness giving myself more energy on a physical level where I don't need to nap as much and can do more work without getting so tried.

Stopping my mind in little very tiny increments like how I don't hardly get lost in day dreams like I used to, and more aware and more focused in breathing and not distracted by energy movement.

Not beating myself up over mistakes as much, not going into emotional possessions as much, or having an easier time forgiving and breathing and getting me out of those kinds of possessions.

Forgiveness supports the body, helps with bowl movements, breathing, reduces physical tension and build up of pain and stress.

Better able to adapt and change, better all around.

Those are the goals and what happens as results of self forgiveness, so that's a deep look at the results of self forgiveness.

That's all a deep look at what I'm walking through in my process, just improvements, day-to-day just try to improve, keep applying, keep expanding, like I've noticed I can see myself at some point investing in how I speak and move where I've always been more concerned with what's moving within me, but as I keep clearing that I up I can see myself moving more into the real world in my little behaviors and mannerisms and vocals.

It just hits me like, wait, there's nothing very deep about any of this, I still don't see the depth, where's my deep secret to my nature, even my deep habit of creating and running away from consequences, seems to be as deep as I can see my nature getting on an existential level, and that's not that interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there's nothing deep and amazing as a deeply buried hidden gem to my nature to be discovered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I've seen of my nature of my mind is all there is and all that is left is to forgive and correct and live, and there won't be any great revelations, any deep realizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a hidden depth of myself, where it's like there's another part of myself I've been living but never noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in my roundup of the process I'm walking on a day-to-day level, because it seem boring, like I just keep doing the same self forgiveness for different points where's the spectacle?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that there would be a reward for deeply digging into myself over time where crazy dimensions and amazing talents and skills would be realized like I'd get to live another life once I dig in and forgive and correct myself enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth of my process as I've walked it from the beginning is all as I've seen it to be up to this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear in damaging myself in taking such actions as trying to walk my process in a different way without self forgiveness when I ought to have just stuck out self forgiveness from the start that I've damaged myself too much to have any interesting depth about me or cool things to correct about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my process will just be a tedious process of constantly picking away at all the crap and won't have any cool exciting fun moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process from the movement of wanting to have cool awesome abilities, like the muscle twitching I get, or the movement I get in the back of my neck, or the way my stomach gurgles, which are all pretty cool abilities actually, but it's to see that I saw a problem and acted to correct that the abilities like the way my stomach gurgles and feels nice and my muscle and neck spinal fluid twitch that are nice, but not what I'm influenced to create on their own.

I definitely think there are some cool little physical things that are fun to interact with and be aware of that I could see being related to walking my process.

Just fun sheer physical body fun stuff, my stomach might just gurgle from drinking a lot of soda though, but it's still fun.

So maybe this is it, maybe there's no cool exciting thing to uncover in the depths of myself, maybe there is.

The point is I have to act on principle, where to hope that there is something special and fun to discover within myself along my mental deprogramming journey, or to hope that this is it and I don't have to worry about what could be creeping under the surface, where it's to act on principle of just continuing and moving myself in the action of self forgiveness and correction where I could fear what is lying under the surface and fear what I will realize I must do once I discover what's hidden under the surface about me, or hoping that there is something to elevate me and bring me more fun as myself in my life under the surface, I have to just move myself regardless of if the positive or negative is under the surface hidden behind all the garbage in my mind.

When and as I see myself fearing or hoping that I will discover another layer of amazing depth to myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize what I must do as taking physical action in writing and speaking self forgiveness and correction, and that whatever is laying or not laying beneath the surface doesn't change what I have to do, only distracts me, thus, I commit myself to continue to move myself into action as breathe, living interaction, and self forgiveness and correction regardless of what's laying under the surface of my mind.