Day 254- redefine confidence

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Where I've been trying to redefine and purify words, it was like, I don't see the results.

Then I looked at this recording from Anu, and he said that something like how living a word is like actually living it and not just an experience, that's what I interpreted him saying, but it clicked because I was thinking how do I live a word, maybe I just experience it and it's like a bubble, and that became counterintuitive like I already have enough bubble's.

So I see one thing, I remember redefining the word strength, and I saw how I lived it in being able to live the word strength when instead of getting worked up and giving up when things are hard, I'm strong I keep pushing, not always, not totally perfect, because I could use to work on if again, but in that word I remember redefining forgiving really trying, and then I see it happening, nit an experience, but something better, I can do more i keep getting stronger, it's an experience in that it is exhilarating to keep challenging myself to keep getting stronger in what I can live and become for real, not an exerleration like I'm living this word this is an exerleration feeling, but in working harder in pushing myself more physically it is intense exhilarating not from the experience of the word but form living the word, like working out, working more on myself, pushing myself into real action, that's the exhilarating part.

So here's my plan.

Let me look to myself and my experience, what's the word I could be living, anything, I let loose and see what is the word I could live.

I see posture, the way I'm lanky, the way I don't stand up straight and rise up to my full potential, to be the one walking in each step, in each movement of my fingers as I type, how I hunch over like I just want to get through this, I'm not really into this I'm hunched I'm not confident.

Confident.

Not lanky, hunched, dragging around on my god this is my life, ohh what am I doing what is wrong with me, I'm making bad decesions I'm not taking charge in me and who I am and what I am.

Confident.

Con fine ment.

'Will they like me I hope they like me, I can't be me if they don't like me, and I need to do this for them because i need them to be confident in myself and my actions and my life.'

But that's just a part of it.

I enjoy being alone, but I find myself not being confident in my aloneness like I need friends I need acceptance, I'm enjoying myself alone all the time, but I'm not confident about it.

I don't stick to my guts and say i think I'm better not participating in this group in this action, to say I realize I need to be alone right now and I'm confident in going to my corner to reflect and be alone.

Confident that in the end I have to make my own choice, in the end I have myself alone, to be confident, to do what I need to do to face myself alone.

I'm unsure of myself around other's, I'm not confident when I'm with other's, I'm confident when I'm alone.

I know I'm better off standing my ground and being alone sometimes, but I don't live that, I don't live that confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see where I shouldn't have a cigarette or have an energy drink but don't live confience in acting on my realization, and instead give up like I'd rather just have it, maybe I'll deal with these stimulus issues tomrrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident when i always need to be stimulated, I can never just be alone without some kind of electronic stimulation, some kind of buzz in sugar, caffeine, or nicotine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by feeling I need to be with other's to be fullfilled and am not living confidence by being alone, reflecting on myself, looking at my life as living confidence as not giving into that doubt, where I need other's, other's know best, I need to be subserveant to other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident as holding my head up high moving myself, where I'm moving myself I'm taking action, I'm the one moving myself in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live confidence in a pure supportive way where I judge myself as a ceratin character lacking certain traits which make a confident direct person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live confidence when I look into the future and only see struggle instead of stopping living breathing trusting myself to face whatever happens when it happens as confidence in self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from my mind where I can think and plan and make it all come together, instead of being confident in myself to speak my mind in a productive manner where I don't just blurt out anything, but am willing to trust myself to say something that might not register well with everyone, that I might have doubts about but know it's what I need to do or say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence as money where I have money so I can buy my gas and food and i am going to be ok, I can just relax, instead of seeing that take the money away and my confidence is gone, and I'm gone, I'm a different person without money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be confident when I think about what will people think if I write this or say this instead of speaking aloud for anyone to hear without doubt or regret constantly on my mind always being pulled and shifted to say and behave a certain way when I express myself in the range of other's who might hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not having lived confidence in sticking things out with self forgiveness and creating it as my life and process where I was confident from a point of deception where I was confident I could walk my process a different way, but I should have faced self forgiveness because it was a harder way, a better way, that required more confidence then just fiddling around for several years just to realize I wasn't accomplishment anything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze up when I'm unsure of myself instead of moving, breathing, directing myself to keep living keep taking action to not get caught up in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of confidence as being macho, fake, bravado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as a form of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as a way to expand and elaborate my self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what's the point of confidence apposed to just having self trust, as I realize that confidence is a word that is lived as well as self trust so there's a reason that confidence is a word and exist in the vocabulary, but I don't feel confident about it, which is ironic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the usefulness and application of confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as a way to inflate ones ego in dressing and acting a certain way all inane just feeding ego as embracing ego as trust in clothing and herd mentality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how I see confidence and trust as meaning very different things as much as I justify them just being the same word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how much I must slow myself down to breathe and move and act in confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'll choose to make very quick decisions, very ego inconsiderate actions because they come more impulsively then to live in confidence and move myself with my best discretion in my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose confidence in myself when I don't follow through with my goals and plans when I get tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize confidence as facing task and activities and responsibility and just doing it even though it seems too much just being confident that I'll find a way to make it work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as suppressing some personal doubt or insecurity when that's just one example of how confidence can be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as manipulative where confidence becomes a way to persuade people like the confident suave business man.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively act from a point of not trusting myself where I'm not willing to live the confidence of going against what my mind wants me to do what my desire wants me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confidence as being something someone does or doesn't have apposed to something someone can learn, adapt , live, create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confidence sweeping me off my feet and taking myself in the wrong direction but justifying it as that I was confident that I was right, I was confident I was doing the right thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself with the word confidence when I'm not living confidence in a way that supports me best.

When and as I see myself moving, living, acting in doubt, in my words, in my actions, in my projections of the future, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can live confidence as a form of self trust, where things might seem hard, I might be afraid, but I can have confidence that if I act, move, express, that I can cut through the illusion of fear and doubt, that I can hold my head up high, have posture, walk and move knowing that I can get where i want to go, thus, I commit myself to move with confidence where I slow down and I am the one moving myself, where I'm  confident with what I will say without planing it out, where I will face the future without projecting it as being confident that I will face whatever happens. I redefine confidence as as form of self trust, where, in my movement, my words, my decisions, my behavior, even if I don't know on a conscience level, I can still live confidence, where I can speak just speak anything without dragging it out and planning and prescribing as a form of confidence, to speak with fluidity and without doubt is a form of confidence, to move without dragging and wobbling like it's not me walking, when I could walk with confidence as this is me moving I'm taking on every single bit of movement I can for myself as confidence. I redefine confidence as me speaking for myself, acting for myself, directing for myself unfiltered from me at my core.