Day 269- escaping into fantasy/not wanting to do paperwork

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Another day of feeling ok.

No feeling like the sky is falling for any reason.

I still need to work very diligently when I have good days like this, because they slip away very fast for any reason.

So, I take the good day, and don't get complacent, keep it good.

The more consistent I am at being stable the more I can breathe and focus on other things.

Working more on excuses, I make the excuse of not being diligent with my homework and responsibilities because I define sitting down to do paper work as boring, but I need to be able to just use it as a chance to quiet myself and just do what I need to do in terms ot paperwork.

This will continue to come up where I don't like to slow myskef down to do my paperwork in school, writing, documents, so that's not good because it shouldn't be a resistance to doing paperwork i should be able to just get my work done without it turning into a fight.

Some things just need to get done so, just take boring paperwork and turn it into something fun, or s chance to slow down, or it doesn't have to be anything, it just needs to stop being a big battle just to sit down and do paperwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate paperwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn sitting down snd doing my paperwork, in homework, writing, government legal work documents, into 'a chore that I hate'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sitting down snd doing paperwork at home as ' not living my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing paperwork at home as not living mh life, but I like doing school work when I'm at school so I see it's because when I am St home I define that as me wanting to crash on the couch and play games and zone out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my chance to gain some higer ascension through pleasure in videos and games and enjoying myself, where having to sit fien and do any work at home at all is a direct contradiction to this idea of my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being at home as my chance to escape, like when I play a really immersive game, with the graphics and interaction in games now it really is like I've escaped from reality for a little while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my home as my safe haven where I never really have planned into my future or had to really get my act together since the last couple of years and so it's still deep within me like, why cannot I go back into that escapist mind set of playing games and pretending reality won't catch up to me, and from there when faced with reality I would really lose my composure, I would try to levitate, or use telekinesis, or grow wings, or contact aliens, like there's no eay I have to actually face reality, but with self forgiveness it's not that hard at all if you just stick with self forgiveness so I think that helped me to ground myself when I've used self forgiveness through my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having what it takes to face my reality where I then associate being at home with where I try to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing work as paperwork at home as bad because st home is where I need to try to escape from reality not accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to try to escape reality at home taking advantage of having a stable place to live and function where instead I could use having a stable place to live and function to make a good life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sit down and do my homework because home is a place where I need to try to escape the truth not accept it.

I forgive mysekf that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept the truth of having to do things I would not prefer to do in my reality where I see that as degrading me.

When and as I see myself resisting doing my paperwork at home, I stop, I breathe, I realize at gome is where I get most of my paperwork done and that I need to stop resisting it, thus, I commit myself to do my paperwork without letting my desire to play games and watch videos and zone out as escapism distract me from building myself up by doing the things I need to do.

That all made me think about something, about my dreams and illusions, and experiences, and how I don't care about life, I just have viewed life as a vessel to have some great experience, but life needs to be a vessel to have the great experience of unity and oneness and doing what's best for ourselves, where I see to me that's just better, everyone being out for themselves to achieve their own personal great illusion isn't that great at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not value a quality of life in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if life is being lived to a high quality for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose an illusion as feelings and images as being more important then actually having a quality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into illusion because it'll be really hard to fix things from how bad they have gotten.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize self responsability where things will be hard to fix as a whole but my job is to fix myself, to live in fixing myself in relationship to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care how hard it is to fix myself where I have to make the choice now or later, and it's easier made now, so make the choice now, which is self forgiveness and correction, so make that choice, and living words too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and alloed mysekf to make things stupid and complicated, where there's what I realize in self honesty is best, and then there's what I can distinctly note kd not best, and it starts with a choice, admitting I am a problem.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape from what's best for me, I stop, I breathe, I realize I do not actually want to escape from what's best for me as life, thus, I commit myself to devote my life to cutting though the illusion and getting to the point where I continue to not let things build up, but stay ahead of things where I can do self forgiveness form a stable point before I waste my time giving into illusion.