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I make dough at work and when I'm done I have to clean the table, and the dough mixer and I dread the cleaning up and finishing part.
I love making the dough I am usually by myself and can just do whatever, get into my groove, but then when I have to clean up it breaks me out of my groove.
My other job is dishwasher and I do the same thing there where when it's time to do the closing it takes me out of my groove, and I just would rather stay in my groove without having to clean everything and close things up.
It's a very specific thing, where it's become one of my last griefs at work, where everything else is pretty cool.
I think it has to do with the pressure to get things done and to get out, along with having extra tasks required to close things up then it takes to just jump into things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate closing things up when I'm done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate having to close up because there's a lot of pressure to get done quickly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get done quickly by putting pressure on myself to just get out and be done instead of getting done quickly by focusing on what I'm doing and being effective.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimozed like, 'why can't some one else finish my job for me'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the part of my job that I like and seperate myself from the part that I don't enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get over my dread of finishing where I don't want to accept having to slow myself down and just focus on the task at hand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to have to slow myself down to correct my provlem where I want my provlem to just be resolved in speaking it out where I don't want to have to put in any more work into the problem then just spending it out right here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my annoyance to be resolved but not willing to put in whatever work could help me to further things along, where I don't want to slow myself down while closing things up when I finish, but I want the dread and annoyance of having to do so to go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I can't just get over this point and have to put extra effort into it then what that says about everything I write out where I write things out and expect results without having to put any more effort into things then that.
When and as I see myself fearing putting effort into slowing down to help myself not be annoyed and dreading shitting things down at work, I stop, I breathe, I realize writing things out can always help and can always be a starting point and is me being direct snf making effort, but that why I wouldn't want to put as much effort as I can, is a problem, where that's the entire point is to put in the effort when I see a problem, thus, I commit myself to focus on this point alome and not worry about what the repercussions are for how I approach things, but enjoy and accept the comparison as opening up a trivial points expanding into other things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't be able to slow myself down to focus on closing things up where after writing it out and committing myself to change wirhter I have to breathe or winter I just natrually slow down the only thing holding me back is my own will.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let work crush my will, where when I hit a road block, it's like I've hit a real block within myself and have no will to just on the spot make adjustments and push myself harder.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no will at work but for things to happen smooth and normal and work out for me othereise my will is demolished.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my will be crushed where the task of closing things and cleaning up when I'm done at work is not physically demanding it is completely me not having the will to be taken out of my groove and comfort zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for even having to write this out, like, thus is so simple, k enjoy my job, it's just one trivial element I'm clinging onto, why can't I just deal with it.
In this i see it's not just one element, it's a pattern, of anything that takes me out of my groove, snd does apply to other things where I have to do something out of my normal comfort and groove.
When and as I see myself judging myself for not being able to just have the willpower to do a simple task even though it takes me out of my comfort, I stop, I breathe, I realize this extends into many parts of my life where there's simple things I know I could enjoy and have no trouble doing, but because I'm taken out of my comfort zone I freeze up like I refuse to accept it, thus, I commit myself to instead of judging myself for not having the will to do the simple tasks of closing up, to instead look at how this problem extends into may parts of my life, and then to just slow down and breathe and do the task so that then it will extend into all other ways in my life I have this problem, where instead of judging myself, I just slow down, do the task without all the build up, to then support myself in all the other parts of my life where I shut down when taken out of my comfort zone.
So shutting down when taken out of my comfort zone is the key symbolic point, where I judge myself like it's such s simple task, but when I let go of judgement and look into it, I see it's a deeply seated issue that affect my entire life, so for this point I take it one step at a time, where tomorrow I'll have to clean up my station and this takes me out of my groove and thus my comfort zone, so that will be the first step to deal with the over all problem.
So instead of jumping to all the other ways I shut down when taken out of my comfort zone I focus still on what I have at hand as closing up my station and closing at the end of the night and cleaning up when I'm done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this grumpy state where I experience myself slipping into this state of being like 'this is part of my job I don't like, I hate this part where I have to clean up when I'm done'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge it as easy to muster the will power to just slow down and clean up/close when it has gone beyond just willing myself ti change and has gone into my very personality and behavior where judgment does not adress the problem because in judgement I refuse to accept there is a problem and blame myself as the problem or the action itself as the problem where I'll try to get other's to help me clean or to do the job for me 'like this is not my problem'
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