Day 292- nap trap

Investigate Desteni.org

The end of the day is tiring, it's when you go to sleep and unwind.

I see a secret within myself, right now, if I snap myself out of it, right now, break the trance, the tired is build up, pent up, anger, annoyance, fear, hate, confusion, pain.

That's the surface of it, then I sleep and I might feel good right before I fall asleep, to lure me in, and then have some wild dreams, some great insight, some fantasy, just for a moment while in my deepest sleep, and then I wake up, and it's time to build up all that fear anger spite everything all over again, somehow get through it all for another day, and then unwind again and that tiredness is forgetfulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let sleep every night convince me that it will save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame sleep where I'm the one who thinks I need to be saved as if I could be saved in sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each mourning wake up astounded that the sleep did nothing for me at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to sleep as to surrender where for me I could keep pushing, I could do more, write more, develop my skills more, plan more, but in the thought of doing anymore is more tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of trying to force myself to stay awake longer where I start to become disorientated things build up as much as they can until I snap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let everything build up in me until I snap and give into sleep even if it isn't time to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn down the opprituinuty every night to use my time to my advantage that I have time to wind down and realx before I go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me and my life as being the life of dragging things out, where I could stay up and get things done, or I could go to sleep and let things drag out into the next day, again and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take my habitual sleeping addiction seriously where everyone sleeps, everyone get's tired and wants to go to bed early and sleep in late, so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sleep abuse as normal, where I'm entitled to sleep more, as much as I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as normal as an excuse to sleep in late and go to bed early where a normal person would just watch TV or play games and sleep when they have their fill but I have a responsibility to do more then that, I have self forgiveness.

When and as I see myself going to sleep early, I stop, I breathe, I realize with self forgiveness I always have work to be doing, if not even developing other skills or hobbies, thus, I commit myself to every night stick with my sleep schedule where if I feel tired like it's OK to sleep early tonight I know that it's just pent up shit which will hit me the moment I wake up the next mourning.

...

Then my other issue here is naps at the end of the day.

Naps are tricky.

I don't know how often I've ever had a nap go according to plan.

I have a couple hours in-between work, I go home to take just a little relaxing nap, and instead I'm alseep, and then have to wake up in agony just like I do every mourning.

I want to just knock a little bit of sleep out in a nap, get that little rush of pleasure and relaxation before I get some writing or anything done for the night, and then I wake up the next day slept twice as much as I planned, lost all that time.

I can't in self honesty tell myself to commit to never napping again, but for now I can adress the resistance the backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be furious like how dare I question my back door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that in this moment I can see ever nap I've ever taken as a back door, to just falling asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entrap myself with naps where I just want to get that good greasy moment of total relaxation and all the in-between fantasy dreams that start to roll into my head and then cash out before I totally fall asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that naps are like gambling, you might be able to get what you want and to win the tug of war with sleep before you totally fall asleep and loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that naps aren't best for me because they are an illusion, I might win sometimes, but in the end the more I play with naps the more likey I loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to turn the tables on naps and get what I want out of them before they can get me when I could just look in self honesty, naps are even better then sleep, and yet that means they are worse then sleep, even more of an illusion then sleep itself, naps lead me to sleep in early even when I didn't plan to and was going to get shit done, naps seem even more heaven like then sleep because they are even more demonic, a way for sleep to suck more life out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that naps are a gamble that I will always lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear naps always being me giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I'm strong enough to win against the nap instead of facing and seeing myself within my actions of going down to nap for just a little where, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I nap, I've already lost, I've lost time, I've lost my will, rarely can I ever actually come back from a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the curiosity of naps, where maybe I can just poke my head in and see what's going on and then back out once I see what's up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut away from the word sleep and create the word nap where naps are somehow different then sleeping when they function the same way, you lay down, cuddle up, and then sleep happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the only difference between sleep and naps is that in naps you conscientiously keep yourself in a suspended in-between limbo state, naps are a self hypnosis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the first thing I do when I go to sleep is nap, put myself to bed and in that relaxed state start droning off in my mind, naps are the same as sleep, naps are a part of sleep, but I've created the word as an illusion that naps are anything different.

When and as I see myself going to take a nap and seeing myself as doing anything but gambling trying to win, even though I'll lose more often then not, I stop, I breathe, I realize that giving into the hope that my nap will pay off and I'll just snooze for a few minutes and then feel reguivinated is exactly the same intention and the exact same thing as sleep where I hope my sleep will pay off when it never does with just a few different nuances, thus, I commit myself to at the very least acknowledge every time I go to take a nap that I'm taking a big risk that more often then not will not pay off, and that if I go to take a nap just to get off and then get back to work I'll always be playing a loosing game.