Day 330- coffee

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I started drinking coffee the past month.

It has been getting me through the day really well, but I feel like I'm overlooking a lot of things and when I have been getting home I haven't been wanting to share myself as much in writing/self forgiveness.

I like the coffee because I get wired off of it, but it doesn't have such a come down as much as it has been that I don't have as much focus.

Today is the first time in a while since I started drinking a lot of coffee that I feel settled in enough to focus on my writing which is important to me that I focus a lot of time on.

A lot is going on in me in relationship to drinking coffee, I always saw coffee as something useful, something good, but I never drank it because I never felt I needed extra energy and I didn't like the taste, but then I found there was really good tasting coffee and I've been drinking that a lot the past couple weeks.

I also have been vaping instead of smoking cigarettes as well around the same time frame of drinking coffee.

So these two changes and I feel like a completely different person.

I am so unstable of a person that I'm a different person now because I've been drinking coffee.

I feel like I've not been comfortable writing regularly lately because I'm so startled by how different I am as a person just over one small change in my chemistry through coffee it's something I had to step back and process for myself first.

I can see myself suppressing some things through the coffee, I feel manic, unsettled, but with the coffee I just feel sedated like I'll just wait for things to pass.

The coffee fuels me just waiting things out, like things will sort out, I'll figure things out eventually and so then I was playing games and watching you-tube and not really putting in as much work as I do to try to write and work things out as I usually have been.

Coffee now that I think bout it just now has been a really great tool for me, like coffee 'get's me', like coffee relates to me a lot but I feel like I'm drinking it now in my life where I can handle it, where other times in my life I can see coffee being a very poor decision for me to be taking it.

Coffee is showing me how I need to take action.

Coffee is showing me how I tend to just wait things out, wait for things to just sort themselves out even though I know that doesn't work.

Coffee is showing me my day-to-day patterns of work then go home and crash and then work again and showing me this from another angle which makes me want to assert myself into my living even more when I see just how much my habits are programmed and not reflecting what I really want/need to develop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear nothing resolving within me unless I put in the direct effort to break down the things that are within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that nothing resolves within me unless I directly deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that things would just resolve themselves and I didn't have to put time and effort into sorting myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to work with reality that I have to put effort into myself directly to get any results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I don't get any results in my life except for what I put effort into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that the things I waste time and effort on yield results that don't substantiate enough to be worth the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put so much time into things like games and media which don't yield me results that are worth the time I put into them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put time into things that don't yield any results because it gives me immidetate results of gratifcation and relaxation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put my time into things that will yeild me long term gratifcation and relaxation as working on myself which will make my life more gratifying and relaxing in the long run.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put no work into myself because directly putting work into myself in self investifation isn't as immidetely gratifying as playing games or being on the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not snap myself out of it and remind myself that investing long term and taking smaller immidete reward is better then taking all the immidete reward but losing long term.

When and as I see myself spending too much time playing games or watching videos and not working on myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm investing myself into short term pleasure and then losing out more in the long run, thus, I commit myself to manage my time I spend working myself out in writing vs playing games and watching videos so that I'll be investing long term into my life apposed to investing short term and losing out long term in how I've conditioned myself.