Day 403- Self Sabotage

 I want to self sabotage. 

I want to just ruin everything, to just be able to go to sleep and not have the stress of the work I must do and the things required of me. 

I want to forget my responsibilities. 

The stress and the weight of what must be done feels overwhelming like it's not worth it.

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire out of my responsibilities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to embrace my selfishness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my self interests as energy as ego as separation is the best interest of who I really am outside of the separation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate just to sleep as I did when I was young without the awareness or concern or things that I cannot unsee or undermine or forget in sobriety. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be locked away kept from the things I must do by force. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the responsibility believing that I could ever have a life of freedom to indulge in my self interest still not seeing and standing equal to the point that my self interest is to do what is best and what is best serves me and my interest best so I am in shock that what is best is so unpleasurable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the reality of my responsibility in this life being devoid of pleasure of which I would prefer in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be mentally ill unable to recognize my responsibility my capability and so unable to take the actions of correction and able to remain unaware and unconcerned of what I must do and what I have committed myself to do and what is best to do as the labor of the physical at hand each day. 

I commit myself to fight each day and each breath to maintain and support and nurture the life and Oppurtunites I have to be grateful and not throw everything away in delusional spite and an idea of self interest that does not reflect my real interest. 

I redefine self interest as the interest that best serves me as self as life as all life as equal and one with all life.