Day 366- Too little too late

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do as little as possible in terms of walking the Desteni material.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of shock and denial that there's no possible way I could be that arrogant and that deceptive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up in saying 'I placed this bet, and I've lost everything for it, so why keep playing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish violence on myself going into such a deep state of regret and remorse yet still seeking a way out to not really face the reality I've manifested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as tall as I can regardless of how shallow and low I realize I've been over so many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to give myself another chance because within the narrative even though I see what I've done and what I've created, deep down I've programmed myself this way so much that I still don't want to stand even though I see how desperately I need to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the hardest most difficult path for myself when I did not need to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fight for myself to walk and to stand in real change even where it seems hopeless and too much abuse having occured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be my cure despite how painful and agonizing the treatment will be when it's going to hurt me to change and heal the same way it'll hurt the entire globe and all of humanity equally as all will hurt sometimes when facing real change 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about everything in this life and process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be proud that I have faced the deepest trench of myself and my life and am able to actually address it for real for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make special mind games instead of making a special life walking process walking self forgiveness and walking together with others.

I commit myself to fight from the very very bottom where I have found my real domain.

I commit myself to drag myself out of hiding and face the reality I'm allowing to exsist for all of eternity should I not stand and change as all as one and equal.

I commit myself to face the words of others and let the words sting and hurt as that hurt is my ego and my mind beign put into it's place and seeing the disconnect and seeprstion I've allowed from it.

I commit myself to redefine what it really means to be walking process to the fullest with the greatest integrity and effort.

Day 365- Living in isolation and arrogance

 Desteni.org

Someone intervened in my process a week ago.

Someone reached out to me and pointed some things out for me.

For this I'm extremely grateful, but I also see and recognize it having occured as a responsibility, someone spoke to me and helped me recognize some things because of principle.

This connection made has been of incomprehensible value and support to me.

What was pointed out to me, was an indication of my isolation.

Recognizing my state of isolation over night became a magnificent shift in the momentum and opportunities available to me to walk process more effectively.

The main immidete shift I made upon recognizing and submitting to this point was that I was encouraged to read through Creations Journey and Heavens Journey to life blogs. Of which I had began to read through to some extent in the past, but certainly see why it's been recommended and even indicated to be necessary from different people I've already heard stated now during my rereading process from the day 1 beginning pages.

What opened up to me has been the most refreshing, reassuring, stabalzing, and genuinely agreeable point I've ever expressed up to this time in my life.

Isolation and arrogance has been my greatest downfall.

The times in my life where I've not spoken to those who may have offered help, not read and reviewed the material already laid available to me, was the most costliest choices most impacting my life and as well affecting others who I may have supported should I have stood taller sooner.

Isolation combined with arrogance. 

I don't call myself arrogant out of judgement, it's more of a matter of fact, I can see how relentlessly sure of myself I've been in the face of every single possible source alerting me and even shouting at me to turn back to breathe slow down and be self honest about the decisions and directions I've taken my life, yet still no force on the planet seemed capable of subduing my certainly, a certainly of my free will, and my potential to cheat the system, to be smarter than everyone else by pursuing my own ideas of how process can be walked, I was not very smart in my actions, but was mistakenly extremely confident for no good reason beyond the ever convincing feeling of energy that I was accomplishing something and was going to do something great somehow, an energy that I just kept following and made my religion under the guise that I was going to somehow stop my mind and change through what I recognize now as just delusions, illusions, deception, taking the frame work idea of 'stopping the mind', 'walking process' and slapping those labels onto things which had absolutely next to nothing to do with process as walking self forgiveness as studying the material and working with others.

Isolation is the main issue in the sense that my arrogance of thinking I know better or have some clever idea to short cut my process could have been kept in check, had I cross referenced and referred to any number of people, blogs, from any number of Destonians, the recording through the portal who would have given me a rude awakening, which however embarrassing or uncomfortable for a moment, would be a needle in the haystack of the infinitly worse outcome I've allowed and accepted of my life to become entirely defined by.

So, a heinously perfect combination. It is so fantastic to be able to sum up my by far largest issues into 2 simple words. Arrogance and Isolation.

The pride I stand as now is the pride of finally coming to the end this long dragged out chapter. The pride of having learnt my lesson and getting to move forward to correct, to not permit myself or anyone else to fall into that trap.

Even in having returned to writing self forgiveness and attempting to engage with the Desteni community and material over the past 5 years, I still have remained plagued by this deeply cemented behavior and pattern and personality of arrogance and Isolation.

Where I trended and tended towards writing self forgiveness, but doing so mostly alone, even in blogging to share and express myself still so deeply defining myself and my ability to interact with others that I struggle to face anyone else, anything they've written, anything they may have to say. So again, 'returning' yet still on the outskirts, and still up until this past week actually trending towards yet another even deeper layer of isolation had someone not reached out a hand of support.

The mathematics as the equation I'm starting to see now is undeniably clear,

I inhibit myself by walking alone, by isolating, it allows my arrogance to run totally endlessly rampant. 

So therefore like mathematics, I'm more effective for myself and others to an extremely large margin by engaging with others, reading and listening to others, sharing myself but not letting my own words over shadow that of others who will accelerate my process should I slow down and actually listen instead of just keep talking.

 I want to broach this topic with some self forgiveness to ensure that this realisation I'm having is not forgotten by me or anyone I could theoretically support should they need to hear my story and know that someone already went there and is only becoming better for it nearly a decade later. It's not worth going alone, it's not worth tuning other out.

The last thing I want to mention before the self forgiveness portion is a little detail of the memory from the moment I chose to deny my responsibility and turnt my back on Desteni and self forgiveness and precisely what I accepted and allowed and now to this day suffer the consequences of.

I remember the exact moment I made the choice, I was going to try to stop my mind by 'breathing', which was not a reasonable idea to do in total isolation from all the other resources and process to walk with self forgiveness, although of itself would have been a good tool to have utilized, but not something I should have banked everything on in a moment of total fear inferiority doubt and desperation.

The moment this idea came to me, that I should make an attempt to somehow magically stop my mind without all the other established tools and methods I remember seeing something.

It's almost like I was so desperate and so scared of the difficulty and realness of walking process that I opened up what I can only describe as a deep layer of my mind which I cannot say I'd ever seen before.

It was like I could see a part of my mind, like actually see it, almost as if it was so close to being something I could visually see with my eyes. 

Like I had in that moment made a deal with the devil, I in a state of fear and desperation pryed open a part of my mind that was very very deep like a clam shell and found this pearl inside of it. 

I should have left that pearl where it was, accepted I wasn't ready to walk equally and correct what I had found, all I would do with this new creation of my mind of seperation was create an additional layer to my alternate reality I'm living as my mind consciousness system of smoke and mirrors.

So to this day I still see this weird thing moving inside of me. 

I'm still stuck with it, I made it, it was my creation, my acceptance and allowance. 

I even remember it now as a light, like a light had gone off in my head, I remember standing up and following the light, breathe in breathe out, to 'stop' the mind, which was really to suppress the mind, because nothing was corrected, everything of my mind and of my seperation grew stronger and more vicious.

So the mind didn't stop, it was supressed, it was smarter than I was in that moment and I accepted and allowed myself to be played like a pawn.

This rift inside of myself is so damn deep, it's here with me, I can say hello to it, morning, night, afternoon.

Breath by breath I can see it.

It moves inside of me like a wave, I can feel it, and I can see it.

Breath by breath I fucked myself over, I fucked my process and I fucked an incomprehensible amount of opportunity for myself and again others who I may have supported.

I'm here now, back to try again, and I bring along with me, as me, as what I've accepted and allowed, an abomination that I'm ever present and ever aware of.

I do not take a single breath without seeing how fucked I am.

This constant movement, this relentlessly never ending stream, in and out, I do not go a single breath without seeing it, feeling it.

I am thankful, that I will not live another moment on earth without seeing and feeling the consequences of what I have done in every single breath.

I can see there is no escape, there's no clever trick or silly method to evade reality.

The friction and conflict I've created through my moment of abuse in turning my back on my responsibility will be felt by me until the moment I die.

So breath by breath I see what MOVES inside of me as seperation!

Am I enlightened right now at this moment???

NO!

Because I see the movement, I feel the movement, all through my body I cannot go a moment without seeing it.

A clever way to check my enlightenment, and see I'm not enlightened in each and every moment, 

So am I enlightened now...? Fuck no. I couldn't have a moment of truly being still should my life depend on it, and it does depend on it 

Breath by breath I fucked myself as energy as mind as seperation,

So now I walk it in reverse, breath by breath stopping the movement, grounding the endless waves of seperation.

I am grateful that it is movement and a constant sense of being on a boat, apposed to pain, apposed to death.

So, that's what went wrong, 

I tried to cheat from point A to point B, and now I get to laugh at myself, I get to laugh at the curse I've given myself until death.

I don't get to lie to myself about what I am 'accomplishing', either I'm still stuck stranded in the endless sea of waves which I experience every single breath every single moment, or I'm finally having found my way to life where surely oneself if still and here not trapped in and infinite current of energy mind seperation constantly fluctuating constantly in and aware of the motions of my mind of my energy.

So in specific detail,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an additional layer of energetic prison for myself which however useful now and not painful for the time being is still representing my acceptance and allowance of an attempt to cheat the system and cheat myself and my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not cross reference with other Destonians who could have alerted me to the failure of my idea being inevitable and save myself a lot of time spent getting back to where I started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant in thinking that I was creating something special and unquie apposed to seeing that there's nothing special and unquie about process for real, everyone has to walk one and equal there's no special way out for me, just a special way to suffer and a special point I now must spend additional time correcting which may have been better spent elsewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write out self forgiveness to challange my new idea before letting it become that which would define my life as my prison sentence as my consequence I would live with until death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make a special circumstance for myself where I'd be able to achieve more than walking what is here and real and proven in the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous still not seeing precisely how I'm going to correct myself as my creation as standing equal to what I created and correcting it where I created it breath by breath so I must correct it breath by breath using self forgiveness this time, using my cross reference through the material through other Destonians it is my responsibility now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to challange death with yet another bullshit spiritual energy manipulation under the guise of it being 'stopping my mind' in 'my own special way' as if I could sneak that past death and life wouldn't somehow notice that I'm trying to decieve my way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring my life into a question and challange what I was doing with furthering my energetic seperation from life due to continuously acting in a state of stubborn arrogance constantly stringing myself on to believe that something somehow would work end come from what I was doing only to discover what came from it was me poping out on the other side exactly back where I started with a new friend now to exist within me constantly reminding me of my seperation.

I commit myself to find ways to ground myself breath by breath to take this ever moving current of energetic friction as seeprstion and to return it to the earth and never again define process as being something they can be walked with manipulation of energy.

I commit myself to listen to other Destonians, to read what others or writing or staying to prevent myself from ever losing total grip on reality as I have in my state of isolation and supression.

I commit myself to breath by breath correct the seperation and physical abuse I've created through writing self forgiveness, living corrected actions as corrective application.

I commit myself to utilize all of my tools instead of zoning in on one single ability as the ability to breathe and attempting to value it over all others tools and references at my disposal.

I commit myself to utilize my shame over what I have become as my acceptance and allowance as energetic manipulation to motivate me and remind me to keep pushing to keep moving, to see I'm not dead yet, so I still have another breath another moment to keep attempting to correct and realign myself.

I commit myself to start my process over from here and to stand in ways I've never stood before.

Day 364 - One years worth of blogging

364 days of posts in my blog.

almost one year worth of posts, one day away from a years worth of installments

I never realized how close I left my blog off so close to what would have represented a years worth of posts.

I see my posts I've made through that time as honest in just letting everything loose. Being free to just let everything out and simply try to apply some self forgiveness or give things some purpose or substance, structure.

Around the time I stopped consistently blogging was a couple of years ago.

That seems crazy, but I can only see a handful of posts between now and 2017.

I didn't fall off writing, or fall off process and my purpose and direction when I left.

I came back to blogging immediately after my actual lapse and leaving process and self forgiveness around 17-19 years old.

I took that initiative to start blogging immediately because it was something I remembered from Bernard, something I saw as valuable and important and a way to put myself forward and build up momentum.

This endeavor was a complete success.

The time that I stopped blogging around 2 years ago exactly (which again seems unbelievable length of time to have passed) was the most successful and thriving time off my life.

I got through massage school and found fantastic employment upon graduating in the massage industry, and met my girlfriend/fiance who I am now walking process together with for over the past year, funny enough meeting her within a week of getting hired at my job, very fateful, beautiful reassuring timing, and now moving to try to support her to start her life and success as well.

I didn't try to seem like I knew it all in my blogs, so i'd just let loose, nothing to hide or gain by seeming like I'm anywhere other than where I am, and I wouldn't say I'm too far along even now two years later, but I'm very happy and excited with where I am, what I've accomplished, and where I plan to go.

 I was discussing with someone about the 7 year journey to life through vlogging and blogging.

and I in that conversation recognized how much of a support it was for me, that I was afraid to participate to see others to be involved, but throwing together a blog really putting myself into it putting something out there and really trying was nice, even though if that was the most of my participation just throwing a blog out into the proper forum or facebook page, and then making a run for it, hit an run, just about every time, write it out, share it, and then flee, run for the hills as fast as possible, don't look at anyone else's posts, don't look at any other information from anyone else, don't look at anyone else's face or words, just throw a post together with some fun, creativity, care, and then run as fast as possible to not see anyone else and be challenged, be scared, feel doubt, feel lost, I would maintain my bubble as much as I could while still trying to share and participate in just a little way.

That little bit of participating did get me a long way, I can see it, the moment I stopped blogging, it was because my life was beginning, and I was actually getting busy, and getting real more than I ever had before.

I would check in on the views I would get on my posts, and wonder, was that on track, was that what I should have posted, was it just a joke, would people check what I wrote just to ensure it wasn't filth and slander and sadistic just to know if I should be disassociated with.

This same battle with myself is why I left for a time, why I left writing self forgiveness and did things in a less productive more stubborn way a long time ago.

Inferiority, and Superiority.

There were these amazing fantastic unstoppable unquestionable magnifcent people in Desteni.

Instead of walking my process at a pace for myself and considering myself and what I need individually, it was how can I be like them? How could I compete and compare to them?

There were a lot of different factors, but that was a very big one, I walked away a long time ago, becuse the process, the 'game' to me was polarity, inferiroirty, and superiority. To defeat and compete, but not even having the slightest dicipline and will to follow through.

So I changed the game, made up new rules, and played alone.

I didn't write, I didn't want to particpate at all, and alone there was no one to compare myself to. No one to compete with. I judged myself as not good enough, and resolved to just walk away and not face the challange, to isolate and supress and escape.

That choice to walk away years and years ago, possessed me, I was fighting, struggling going no where trying to mantain this new life new direction which never would have gotten me anywhere, and when I got back, I struggled and fought the same demons that lead me to leave, created many more problems in the wake of my return, fighting to gain status, fighting to boost my position in process.

I will continue to walk until the day I die. I trust myself with that completely, without doubt or question.

The question and doubt comes in the form of, how far can I go? And has my deceisions and choices cost me the chance to ever achieve what I saw then and now in others?

Will I find the will, passion, dicipline, effort, application needed to really go as far as I can in this life?

I have never felt more physical real in my living, never felt more focused on the things that can be tracked, traced, have evidence, take suffering, take pain, take dicipline, take percervernce and endurance strength and courage.

I don't know that I have or haven't changed for the better or worse since the first day I heard Bernard speak and eventually decided that I was on board for whatever it was he and everyone was talking about

But I know that I'm more on board then ever before,

In the beginning it was all so beautiful and wonderul and self forgiveness felt so good and it was a fantasy a dream, and I fell when I found the truth was what I know my life to be now.

What little I am building up and developing, proud of and valuing, didn't come from positive feelings or pictures or a fantasy.

I am on board now more than ever before, because for me, the veil has dropped since then, not a part of me sees the road ahead and thinks there's a fantasy, a dream, pretty pictures or images or energy, i see turmoil, struggle, fear, fighting, hating, surrender, standing, cycles, failure, anger...

And I'm proud that I can see all of this in me, and see the truth that it's equal to the world at large reflected back within me, as a part of me, and that I'm just as excited and motivated as I ever have been before.

I see the pain, hardship, and reality of what must be done starting with myself, for myself, and I am more happy than I've ever been in my life, and excited to see what I can moving forward.

This time...

I commit myself to not let time slip past me

I commit myself to become the person I dreamt of being

I commit myself to follow through with what I started almost half of my life ago.

And most importantly above all else... I commit myself to walk process for myself.

I commit myself to build myself up until I'm ready to walk together side by side, not in a state of ego and competitive insecurity.

Day 363- out of the woods

For the first time I feel like I have everything in my life exactly where I'd like it to be.

I haven't been writing online consistently for almost a year, in this time, over the past year I've graduated from school and have been employed in the massage field. I've been with my girlfriend of 9 months who I have introduced to my personal spirituality in self forgiveness/desteni and she has been very willing and interested to participate and engage with the material with me, and we've gone to lots of cool places and trips together.

I got techno tutor to expand my relationship and processing and living of words, in seeing and learning how words can be integrated as a part of who I am in real time.

Still living with my mom, and now girlfriend living with us as well I have saved up a lot of money I've been able to support the Desteni farm with/earth guardian foundation.

Massage has helped me get into better shape and has been very rewarding and enjoyable work.

I have worked and applied myself everyday to get to this position where I am now in my life, and no matter what happens I know what I will do, and trust my stand to keep going no matter what happens good or bad.

I've grown so much and evolved so much in my own perceptions over the years hand in hand with self forgiveness changing the very perception I have of myself and others the way I understand myself and the world and how I interact with it.

Stepping away to focus on everything happening in my own life has been cool and sometimes necessary to reassess things. I've seen how much learning and being involved with other people can make a big difference for myself, how the support of others can quantify my process and how it's been selfish and arrogant to have made myself struggle and refuse the open offering of support from so many other people over the years.

I've come to terms with where I have faltered or created conflict or consequences in my life, in writing my self forgiveness and continuing to press forward, I find myself in a position where I'm so happy and surprised by the way things are I wouldn't imagine wanting to go back and change anything if it all meant that I would be lead to where I am now.

I have learnt more humility, to be humble enough to accept I have hardly begun, I've got my entire life ahead of me to keep pushing myself and my application and journey in life.

With breathe being a big part of my application, my breathe as a reference right now in this moment validates everything I'm saying, in every breathe in and out, focused, intentional, with purpose, I feel everything I'm saying resonating and I feel pleased in a way I never have before with my life and with myself.

I have formed the structure in my writing online that I'll often get right into the self forgiveness like everything else be damned, but in time I've realized how self forgiveness by itself is nothing without the story besides it, how you apply it, how you follow through, how you change, how you keep track of if you're standing as your words, it's not just the self forgiveness it's the commitment to change and it's who you are in the very words.

I've found out where I've been misconceived about what it means to stop my mind, and through being more and more introduced to words and living words and through the portal learning all of the things happening behind the scenes I've realized more so what it means to shift from consciences to awareness, learning and seeing every day in real time, breathe by breathe how one can embody and express a moment, to be present to look, breathe, move, touch, be calm, be relaxed, be focused, to flow to express, to explore... I think there is so much happening in a single moment, in a single breathe in any situation that the mind couldn't even begin to comprehend.

I am excited to find a whole new way of understanding process, and having such a firm confident grip on what I'm doing.

I have been able to come to terms with some of my ego in relationship to comparison and competition where in the past I've ran away for at some points over a couple of years, wanting to be in my own special bubble, not wanting to face how far I have to go when I compare myself to others, feeling belittled and in such belittling and diminishing myself... And yet, now, I can see I don't know who anyone else is hardly, where they came from, who they were in this life, or a past life, what other forces were at play, ones genetics, ones being, ones choices, ones mind, ones environment, there's so much spinning around that has lead to who I am, and so who anyone else is too, that it's not even worth the time, who did the most, who is most disciplined is a good reference for myself, to motivate myself, not to compare or judge to become inferior frozen in shock.

I have learnt and been applying myself more physically, where in the past I was only looking at stopping my mind, as I adapted a better understanding of what process is, I realize how important it is to get physical, to work with my body, to live words to take the whole thing, take everything into consideration and to just go for it all, not just one side of things, to work hard while still leaving time to play, to explore, but also stay structured, to be alone and figure things out for myself, but still open to what anyone says to grow more by sharing and cross referencing.

Even doing good on not smoking cigarettes lately, one of my biggest hardest points to face.

I don't think I know much yet, but I'm happy with where I am, I accept how much further I have to go with the time I have left on earth and am happy and excited for that as well, I don't know if things will get more and more better or worse from here, but I accept it either way.

I don't write this expecting it to be spotless or perfect, everyone must work with who they are and where they are, and trying to hide myself away in judgement of where I am has only lead to further abuse and compromise.

Here I am, and here I will always be. 

Day 362- Pushing and resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face resistance and stand even when something seems uncomfortable or challanging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to commit to something if it seems difficult or challanging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that deep down actually living and real development beyond games and entertainment seems more gratifying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than moving and being happy and proud to live the dicipline and structure to really develop myself and assert who I am and will become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand and commit to who I want to be and become by simply structurinr what must be done and facing and willing myself through the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate my life and process with shortcuts and illusions instead of simply moving through the resistance and creating who I am and what I express within that movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone trying to avoid the inevitable instead of standing and facing the pain I inflict onto myself through my mind and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the resistance of others showing me parts of myself to be moving through and facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that my life doesn't get too difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited to see where I can simply forgive and change to face resistance and actually move myself physically and practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than having the grit and strength and will to do what I must do in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with myself for not giving that little push each day which may have made a big difference in who I have built myself up to become over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to face the resistance of changing the Dynamics of interaction with others where there isn't always a positpos happy relationship but being shown what is wrong and needing correction through myself and everyone I interact with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is more pleasure to be found in avtactua moving and facing myself than to run and hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse and not face the resistance when the call had come to me to stand and fight to forgive and keep going and never give up.

Resistance

Re set stance

I redefine resistance as showing me where I am not standing and have failed to stand.

I redefine resistance as a force preventing another force from coming through completely.

I redefine resistance as a force showing me to myself where correction is needed.

I commit myself to everyday keep pushing and facing the restsiance within myself to change and correction.

I commit myself to never let go of the fire within me which can see and comprehend my potential to actually change and move myself physically to action.

Day 361- Building

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and consider that who I am is built up every moment and every breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that I am building my personality every moment in every thought and action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that I'm building my behaviour in every moment in everything I do each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed to have negelcyrd to care that I've been building my life directly dismissing my oppritunity and giving into suppression and inferiority as who I am and allowed myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate looking at my life as who and where I am and seeing that besides the external things I cannot directly control everything I am is what I have built upon every day without any care or drive to assert a better standard of life for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for building a life that I would prefer to be better instead of taking action now and forgiving and changing moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate myself furthering the issue in during so and further Building up myself in blocks of self judgement and self defentions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to build myskdm and my life up should it challange my own self interest in my mind as pleasure and energy and gifts without work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build mysekm up in excitement as energy without any follow up building excitement as an exspected on that everything will come to me without any effort on my own part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to build myself up and structure my life once hitting enough dead end and conflict to accept there being no choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never take a stand to have built up my life with integrity grit and honor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself to build a better life for myself and others in any way once reaching an apex climax of abuse and misuse of everything granted to me many times over repeatedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up in grief and guilt as if I should 'feel bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let anyone in to support and reflect any kind of guidance rather building myself up in my bubble and my ideas safe for a short amount of time before the bubble pops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consistently and effectively utilize my self forgiveness as a to of support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed having no idea where or how I'd even like to begin to build myself up and even begin to change or correct any part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame energy for not building me up correctly instead of seeing how my creation and psrticopartic and allowing of enegy to be me and represent me was all my responsibility completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy all the seeds I had once began to have planted in a state of competition competing my self and what I am building with everyone else and so giving up to build my own destruction which no one else could compete with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bill the physical as making the physical and other being pay for what I desire to build in my mind justified.

Build

I redefine build as to create something of structure or substance piece by piece collected and assembled over time.

I commit myself to build myself up deliberately in each moment.

I commit myself to not let anything be built of myself and my allowance which I do not accept as tolerable or acceptable.

I commit myself to build together accepting what I build as equal to what others build as themselves.

I commit myself to build something of myself with real integrity and foundation that will always stand.

I commit myself to realize there is no giving up just building strictures within oneself worth less than what I realize could have been built.

Day 360 - Strength

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until I'm in the worst negative mind experience before accepting that I need real strength to move myself and take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to not try to take action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping into living strength and immidetely falling for the pitfalls and traps I can create.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to learn strength through depravity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire strength as a feeling of energy to come and sweep me off my feet and make everything better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling in face of chaos where I might have a chance to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won't reach the finish line I've imagined to exsist in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth having a chance to become strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the strength in structure and discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear possibly in my minds eye having potentially one chance right here to decide what I want to do as strength moving forward and hold onto that expression until the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise letting myself find strength in others outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish withholding all strength I could ever possibly find outside of myself waiting for the strengths within me to suddenly magically be and become as if ordained or deserved without question like magic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I may not find the strength in this lifetime to clean out the mess I've accepted and allowed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the strength to try against all odds my mind I've allowed to believe exist against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never finding the strength to face the cross over at death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing what I'm living for in each moment to have any strength for any reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exspect myself to push as hard as I can physically in each moment to be the only strength possible.

Strength - I redefine strength as to move forward pursuing the potential I see as bests for myself and all as life even in the face of impossible odds accepting the possibility that the odds that I believe in my mind could always be misconstrued.

I redefine strength as being able to stand up to what must be done.

I redefine strength as moving to act on something good worth value even when difficult

I redefine strength as to stand down and be easy and at ease when needing to balance myself out.

I commit myself to command myself as strength to come back to writing and speaking self forgiveness for the support and great guidance of self honesty that I need.