Day 25- Annoyance

It's always external, always someone or something that has confounded my plans or goals.

Always an external block to my internal desires.

Never question my relationship to my goals and desires.

Never question my relationship to the things in my way.

Never taking it back to self.

Always blaming as if my goals and desires are so sacred, such a part of who I am, that I must defend my integrity as my goals and desires.

I return again to writing about a point after I've allowed myself to be in this state of annoyance for so long, I cannot stand to not write about it.

I have many specific things to write about, but if they are regarding specific people or instances regarding other's than it's better to use discretion as not using names or specifically identifiable instances, so to take the point back to myself, as not involving another in my own creation, if someone annoys me, I annoyed myself, I decided to be annoyed in relationship towards another within myself.

So, I will open up generally, yet specifically the point of allowing annoyance in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when I can't quite pin something down in my process, where I can't quite understand something, or I can't quite direct myself within correcting a point within self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed as frazzled as unsure what do to or what is going on and feeling 'lost'.

Things occur within me and without to question my path for me, to question what it is I'm participating in, and instead of listening I become annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become as allow the expression of being annoyed to take control, as me saying 'I give up' instead of actually listening to internal and external world in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself up to the expression of annoyance, where in any given moment all that is required is for me to be thrown out of my comfort zone for me to become disturbed within myself as annoyance is a very minute irritation.

Why do I fight to stay in my comfort zone? Why have I defined that as in my best interest?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when my comfort zone is challenged.

What good has this comfort zone served me? And why do I have to fight within myself as annoyed or ever upset or mad when it becomes disturbed?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed as a means of not challenging myself, where I shut everything down and just boil in my own hatred, self hatred.

So I break this down, and what, why be annoyed at all? I'm annoyed with myself, with my own creation, the system I have committed myself to carry, as the baggage I have gathered all my life weighing me down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed with the life I have created within my participation.

I'm annoyed with everything, yet it is triggered in certain moments.

Interactions with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed within myself in relation to another as their expression within my mind.

Here and now, is like, look at all I have established within myself, a new perspective, a self honest one, to do this for myself, took nothing out of me, but gave me everything, so I've been choosing to be annoyed, I had the capabilities to stop it, to change it, and I work harder to keep myself annoyed than I do to just let it go in a single breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the uphill battle of annoyance, seeing here clearly in my writing, it would take nothing for me to stop this in comparison to how much energy I put into fueling this hatred.

It's part of my very identity, I identify within my comfort zone, within my preference, within my ideologies, yet I have to fight within myself as annoyance to maintain them.

I commit myself to no longer fight within myself to maintain my identity as emotion and personality and ideology and opinion, and I commit myself to no longer fight within myself when my ego as all I hold onto within my mind is challenge, as I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I become annoyed, as I realize I must let my guard down, leave my comfort zone, and take a step back to see what it is I'm really fighting for, as in this moment I realize it's all a facade, I must commit myself to stopping the annoyance as taking off the first layer of my defense against myself from self discovery as life.