Day 94- Purifying Humility

I've never zoned in on something to write about so swiftly, and at the same time with so much resistance.

I don't have the humility to write out and live humility.

Whatever I do have, is enough to try.

Humility could be a powerful word to live, but I'm already living humility? It's part of my vocabulary?

There's two different things that come to mind, one is selective hearing, but instead selective speaking, selective living, I live certain words as a certain character, as ego.

The other, I can't remember, but I'd say maybe, I am living humility, but if I really ask myself what does humility mean to me? I haven't refined it, I have in fact corrupted it.

I live all of my vocabulary, but perhaps I put one word on top, one word to rule them all, corruption.

Either way, humility is something that I could be very powerful if I could live and walk that word.

That's ironic that it comes to mind in that way, because humility isn't about power?

How can power be gained from humility?

The power to stand down from conflict, the power to be respectful, the power to listen, the power to care, the power to stand up against what's wrong is having humility, sacrificing the status quo to speak out where needed, is both humble and honorable, that's the strength of humility.

That's a pipe dream, I don't live that way, I don't live that word...

Where do I start?

Recognizing I have a problem, I know that, because I can admit within myself, I don't live humility the way I'd like to, if at all.

So, trouble shoot, to get some specific feedback, I know I have a problem a virus corruption in this word, time to isolate, and annihilate... Through self forgiveness, naturally.

To purify is the starting point so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run a nasty program within myself, as the corrupt version of humility, which is not humble, and is not representing what is best for all of life.

So, that's a point of where corruption can come from, my agenda, my purpose, through my life never having been what's best for life, if it's not what's best for all of life equally? What is left?

So that gives me an idea,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word humility out of spite, where I will be humble to show how better I am than you, I'll live the word to make myself seem holier than thou, for just a moment, a hat trick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself I'm living the word humility when in retrospect I can clearly see that I was just using the word as a decoy, as an illusion, to hide my true colors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lead myself to believe my true colors are that of humility, when I have little reason to believe that, except for the physical part of me which is humility as the equality of the physical, but not me as a being composed of my actions and words and creation.

So, I can see part of the problem now, is that I tell myself I'm living a word, when it is just used to make myself seem innocent and profound and holier than thou.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not actually put effort into living the real definition, as the definition best for all of life, which I have already established for myself, as realizing humility as being a good trait for someone who is good, and does good onto all other's equally.

I knew about humility, but I abused it for my own interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word humility, when I utilize it for my own interest, my interest as my survival.

Humility is about humanity, not about my personal survival, my personal survival as energy and pleasure and illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word humility when I do not represent life's best interest, but instead represent my personal ego energy selfish interest yet call myself someone of humility.

Humility, I think of monks, and eastern religion's, or just religion in general.

Recognizing your humanity through a greater being.

Admitting your humility, as realizing how small you are in the universe.

That's interesting, but I see religion as being a big catalyst in that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge humility as something belonging to people of a certain special group, with a special purpose, such as religion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live humility because I did not believe humility belonged to me, because I was not religious or particularly spiritual.

I was a small amount spiritual, for a short amount of time, and I identified greatly with humility at that time.

The humbleness of being great and getting what you want as imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate humility as identifying myself as humble as humility, when I'm just preying on the physical in my own little bubble, happily deriving whatever I want as thoughts and feelings and emotions.

Where is humility without pain and struggle?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe humility is only given to those who have seen great pain and strife.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize humility is derived from self, self humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not having humility because I come from a higher class on earth than most, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I created exactly what I'd wanted to avoid in not calling myself humble of; of humility, because I had not earned it, and so never realized how I could have earned it, how I could have given it, how I could have lived it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe any longer that humility does not belong to me.

Here's a weird read... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the responsibility of humility.

That was a fast read in my mind, I don't know where that comes from,

So I think about it, humility is lowering yourself to help other's, to listen, to raise a kid, to work, humility represents taking on burden's and not expecting anything in return.

That belongs to everyone.

I think to myself, 'what great strides I've made here already', I think, 'that's not a very humble thing to think'

It brings me back to, living humility equally in all ways for real as the living word, or appearing to have humility to survive, to seem powerful, when I'm just another thief in the night. Nothing to stand for, but absolutely, something to take.

It's hard to live humility, when you're living thievery.

It is hard, but I must humble myself, and face the conflict, conflicting interest, I cannot just be of humility all at once, when so many other systems of corrupted words are at play.

The one other word I purified, that I can recall is strength.

The strength to admit I am corrupt.

And now, the humility to admit, I'm walking a process, and cannot change everything all at once.

The strength to learn humility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the past, when the past already has power over me, systematically, it is for me to decide how to carve forward facing what I have created, and renewing my vow to life.

My not doing a good job living humility, comes through the most when I have nasty thoughts, or perceptions, or opinions.

That it has come to me, having to not have bad thoughts, shows how deeply into the system of corruption I am, that my first step is so small, in simply stopping the bad things that I create in my mind, just because I get mad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live the word humility when I get mad.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to put all I can into stopping myself when I see myself getting mad, and forgiving the madness, as realizing humility in relationship to myself and other's.

Living humility can be a process, I can't just be the embodiment of humility all at once, but I can make the first step, make a sound, sing a song.

Humility is tolerating things you don't like, and not getting worked up over it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live the word humility when I get upset over things that I do not prefer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing to be consumed and surround by the things I like, when in humility I challenge the status quo and I face things I do not like, and tolerate things I do not like, for the greater good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself in relationship to the greater good, where the greater good was always representing some kind of psycho in television, some kind of religion or cult, that did bad, and said it was good. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand up to myself, and realize I can live the greater good through humility to start with, and it does not have to be the demented mistaken bad thing that I learnt through the media.

What else?

Where do I draw the line?

Where do I humble myself?

You have to start somewhere, I live the word humility, in admitting you can't just get it perfect, you have to go live and balance.

So I begin, I commit myself to live the word humility in each breathe, as learning myself anew as the new expression of myself as living and breathing a new word, as living the word humility as I have defined it.

I commit myself to start practicing humility in every single interaction with life that I have.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not living the word humility based on my new purification through self forgiveness, as I realize the only way to live self forgiveness of the word humility for real, is in actual practice as life, as dictating what will and will not be, what will pass, and what will not, I will not let my bad thoughts pass, but I will let my forgiveness pass, to pass through me in each breathe, to be manifested and lived for real, as building a new being on earth, starting with strength, and now humility.

Stunning.

I don't like the word humility.

It sounds insulting.

It does not harmonize with who I am at the moment.

Who the heck am I at the moment? And why the heck would I not want to stand equal to the word humility?

It's humility for crying out loud!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word humility as inherently good, where it's just a word, and maybe I just don't like the way it rolls off the tongue... Hu-mill-ity.

Huge military

Humble to a tee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word humility as a waste of time, because I don't like the way it sounds, without even putting the word to the test.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so caught up in the way that I want things to be on the surface, that I do not dig down deep and actually investigate, as no I really don't like the sound of the word humility, I don't like that word for some reason, but I know what that word can be when lived, so I must push through the resistance, and cut through
the reaction, and actually investigate, and apply in practice.

When is a good time to practice my humility on a more conscience effort of level?

When I'm annoyed, when I'm upset, when I'm emotional,

Basically when things start moving fast within me, it's a good time to mark a red flag, identify triggers, and just slow down, be humble in that moment and deal with the situation.

Sometimes humility is stepping away from others problems and conflicts and realizing I need to take care of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in pride without humility when I try to help others, when I need to be taking care of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand in humility when I fear saying to someone, I cannot help you right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live humility when I try to bite more than I can chew in relationship to other people, where I get burnt out on other people, and I realize myself as being over zealous and mis calculating my role in others lives, when I don't stand as the humility of stepping down, and realizing how I can I help someone else when I cannot help myself.

I commit myself to live humility in taking care of myself, where I realize I cannot take care of another without taking myself into consideration one and equal.