Day 95- Always Something

Pictures like the renaissance paintings, or where's Waldo books, make me think of 'always something', always something to divert your attention, always something to catch your eye. This picture represents the conflict aspect of 'always something'.

It's always something.

Always something else.

It's always what's next, or what's down the road.

I try to step back recently, trying to focus more on myself, to address just this issue, and all of sudden there's something else, out of no where.

I try to stand here in now in all that will come, but all of sudden there's a curve ball.

It seems like I can direct myself through events, direct myself from one event to another, from one activity to another, from one place to another, but then I wake up fairly often thinking to myself, 'here we go again'.

If I could challenge myself, I'd say, not how fast or how far I can go, but how slowly I can go, how centered and focused in everything I do can I be, how here can I be in everything I do, not down the line, or onto the next event or activity, but to hold myself in just this moment in time.

Always some stimulant, to push through each moment.

A drug, a cigarette, or an energy drink, a statement of 'I just need a push to get through'.

It's hard to be here, when here is always somewhere else, another time.

It's nauseating.

I don't feel this moment here, I feel my relationship to memories, to the future.

I'm going to have to be here, more here and less over there.

I'm going to have to slow down.

'It's always something'

That's why I can't be here, sorry everyone, I can't be with you, I'm dealing with something.

To dissect and forgive my always something's will support me in getting closer to where I'd like to be here, in the power of breathe, in the power of the physical, in the comfort and love of the physical of life, to utilize the mind where most efficient in supporting the prosperity of life, and no more... That's something.

I actively keep track of my 'always somethings', I'm well aware of this phenomena, self perpetuated or otherwise, so why haven't I done anything?

If I can tell things just keep piling up, and catching up to me just when I think I'm almost out of the woods, why have I been complacent?

How can I live not expecting curve balls, and life to throw frustrating scenarios at me, one way or another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my life to be easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my position within the system changing and I suddenly being left out in the cold where I'm not prepared.

Where, I say always something now, so just to imagine facing an actual travesty, facing actual devastation, where does that leave me?

Once again facing the worst possible scenario, maybe not so much specifically here and now, but general drawing out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to myself, always something, over situations where I'm clearly the instigator of the internal conflict, when this leaves me in a position where if I had to face actual for real devastation or conflict, I would be totally unprepared, having lived in a world where all my problems are self inflicted.

I have money, food, shelter, my life is not at risk from some war, so since I was born I don't know that I have had a problem that was not self inflicted.

That's what self forgiveness is for, those who have something, who had something, who had enough to pursue spirituality and instead found Desteni, it's to say people currently facing real constant problems don't have internet, they will have to face their real problems without self forgiveness, because most people probably won't ever think of self forgiveness without finding it on the internet or through some other means.

This not so much comparing my conflicts as bad because they are self inflicted, but comparing to the conflicts of starving, sick, and suffering people, because it supports me to put everything into perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my conflicts on other people, when it's not true, and helps me to put things into perspective in self honesty to see how conflicts are actually arising for real within me, and not being forced upon me by any other thing or individual.

Yet, 'always something's' aren't always conflicts, it can also be the synchronicity of one good thing happening right after another, it's easy to not recognize all of the good things and how they line up, but fair is fair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on the bad always somethings, instead of the good one's, where for the good ones good things just keep happening, always something good, but I obsess over the bad ones, because I feel I need to internally compensate or address, or repent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if there's always something bad, because of something I did, then there's always something good, because of something I did, and this deserves just as much attention, if I did something good, let's keep doing that and keep getting good things in return, and if I did something bad, let's stop doing that in as many ways as possible, to stop getting bad 'always somethings'.

That's a little tricky though, but I think it has more to do with how I've defined good and bad, good is good and bad is bad, but what those words mean to other's, and to me, and what their relationship is to 'always somethings' is a little more complicated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate the fact that things happen, with the defining of certain events as being a particular event that propelled the motions of my internal conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always find something to keep my internal conflict rocketing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate external events that I can thus blame my own problems on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see conflict's in my world as coming from 'always somethings', when the emotional, mental, feeling, mind problems are in fact from me, and the real world conflicts that need to be addressed, simply need to be addressed in real time.

Always feels good to ground work something, to get the ball rolling, time to top it off to really get things in motion.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself identifying a certain real world problem as an 'always something', and direct myself in that moment to realize my relationship to this always something, and realize how it is actually just a real world event to be addressed, and that the conflict or reward part is depending on my own reaction and relationship to said always something.

In a nut shell, if I could sum this all up.

I'm alive, and I live in a world, on a world perhaps, and things occur outside of myself, and I like it when these external elements play into my favor, like the wind blowing me a 100 dollar bill. If a meteorite flings from space and boops me on the head, that is not good for me.

Right, good things can happen and bad things can happen, these two examples are theories.

The other part, (this might not be a nutshell after all... Always something I guess...)

The other part, is that if these events were toned down from the example, and weren't one in a trillion give or take, than really they would just be common place, if meteorite strikes and flying loose bills, was common place for everyone, it wouldn't be so note worthy, like if I stubbed my toe, I might not say always something, or I might, depending on how I feel that day, is how I would interpret it.

So, in conclusion, 'always something' can mean, 'I got fucked over again, like usual', or 'always something' can mean, 'yet another victory on my handsome and wonderful behalf'.

It depends on how I interpret it.

I'm interpreting this external phenomena for some time, and now am seeing it's really just a reflection of my relationship to my internal conflicts.

So, I can admit I have a problem, and can now address it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my internal conflicts pile on without resolve that I feel like I'm simply always in conflict, so I'm already in conflict, so when something in my external world does not go the fantasy way I'd like it to, I can say that's the problem! Everyone else!

I'm quite the con artist, piling up as much disorder as I can, and managing to find a way to escape it through blaming something that came along much latter than when the actual problems began to form.

I've had and have created problems and conflicts for myself my whole life, and when one person comes along and does just one menial thing, I say, this person has championed every single thing wrong with my life at this moment, that is crazy.

That's so worth people to think about.

That's a paradigm shift, I thought always something was just a mantra, just a funny little thing to think to yourself when things happen as things do happen some where some how, some one, something will happen at some point, and the idea of always something representing the neglect of self responsibility you wouldn't find on the surface.

It circles back around to blame, and confusion, and all kinds of things, but it does help me take things slow, yes when it's say, 4 O'clock, time to go to work, but to be here now and say, I have to go to work tomorrow 17 hours away... 'Always something', is taking an arbitrary event, and flipping it into some kind of oppression.

It was just a mantra, it was just something to say, just something to think about, I have two people close to me in my life who say this, and I've certainly heard many people say it, people say always something, with total sincerity, and so do I, though I usually just keep it to myself, it's the same thing, I just tend to think mine alone.

A mantra is something to live by, something you say because you live, you live what you give and mouths talk, one plus one equals two.

So, my mantra, 'always something', does not need to be exiled per say, I've tried the mantra of being radical, all or nothing, and that's something I might try to exile, a mantra I'm not currently interested in, in the way I've currently defined it within myself.

The mantra of 'always something' Still has potential, I can still take a bite out of that.

Somehow.

Just thinking, another mantra of mine is when I hit rock bottom, and I see the light, and I reach for it, I'm saying, 'I have another chance', 'I can fix this', 'I can do this'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the mantra of always something within myself where I saw how this related to me, and I held onto it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by allowing the mantra of living the words always something into my life, because I wanted something to identify with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself I'm persecuted by 'always somethings', to simply give me something to have in my life.

Like, when you're depressed, and don't want to do anything or experience anything, because nothing means anything to you.

Nihilism, quoted form Oxford dictionaries, "the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless."

Things have the meaning you give to them basically.

Always something is an idea I placed on certain events, and it's not to say I always thought that always somethings came from a higher power, I knew usually that it was my own interpretation, but recent events had lead me to spin things out of proportion, and some things seemed to be a little too synchronistic, even now in retrospect, far to synchronistic.

Either way, If I'm still kicking, there will always be somewhere somehow something, and who am I going to be when that happens, whatever it is?