Day 97- Man On the Moon

What needs to be forgiven?

Nothing needs to be or has to be forgiven, so what would I chose to forgive?

With self forgiveness I've always had good conceptualization of what I was doing and where to forgive and how to dig into things in self honesty.

I've had some interesting choices along the way, but what's important is that I've come to grips with the need to write out and speak self forgiveness, along with the foundation of creating what's best for life, as the oneness and equality principle of being the change.

So that's been great, but I thought to myself today something I've never quite thought about.

I basically thought about the direction I'm taking my life through my self forgiveness.

When I spent my 2 years carving my own path, and having no success, I was taking myself in a certain direction, taking myself to rock bottom, taking myself to a place where I could finally admit to myself I need to stand with everyone through self forgiveness, written shared, self honest, with the intention of essentially purifying myself to become a blank slate that can be retrained to do what is best for all of life at all times.

I think that opens it up, self forgiveness is letting go and changing for real with self commitment.

But you don't have to live that, just like a confessional, you can make the same mistake again, and have to go forgive it again, and again, maybe deep down that's the plan all along.

I'm trying to take some time away from smoking, and hit a few road blocks here and there, but still a very exhilarating process, but after quiting for a few days, and then basically relapsing and having a few, they felt more intense, I enjoyed it more.

What if you forgave yourself to suppress, so when eventually you did something that you were supposed to have forgiven it feels even better, but it becomes even worse, because you lose your self worth your self trust.

Basically, after in my mind it said I need, I want a cigarette, 20 times, and I said no, and was affirmative each time, after I caved in on the 21st time it felt much better because I felt like I had tried, like I put up a worthy fight, like I was in the right.

The one thing for me when I was first growing up with Desteni, being around 14 or younger, I was still developing, and I was mostly alone outside of guidance on the forum.

I used to have this idea of walking my process as being a fight against the mind, to silence the mind and be here in stillness, but I didn't recognize the relationship and need for forgiveness, you can't change for real what is not forgiven for self.

Then breathing, and what is existing in a breathe, and how do you move a breathe, or not move, or really I can't explain how wacky breathing and my relationship to breathe got, in the same way I can say I have spectacular dreams, yet to go into detail on just what makes a dream so strange even after describing just how it made me feel, isn't easy.

So I'm not charging forward for once, I invested in that, and here's the pay off, I had a moment today that I stopped charging forward and really sat there and questioned some things.

It's basically how I grew up 14 maybe younger, on top of where I was in my life, I had a lot of ideas that I've had held up until maybe even more recently about how to stop the mind, but only now in recognizing certain things like the need for self forgiveness do I start to question some things.

One of those things was thinking I needed to stop feeling.

I understand and appreciate where I was coming from.

The idea of being a martyr giving up feelings, something that most define as what matters, as feeling good and happy and content with life, for the greater good, but now I don't so much see the need to be boxed in like that, but if being contained at that time of development in my life is what assisted me, and I see how both it did, and in some times it didn't, than that's understandable.

I see where I was coming form, and know that my intentions were good, and my heart was and is in the right place in everything, but that's not so simple, the system within myself I've created, cannot always be overdrive.

So feelings, what is a feeling? What is it to feel good?

If I feel, am I going to utilze it? To push myself harder, to continue walking my process?

I don't really need to ask that question, but I will to be safe, and I'd say yes, I have no doubt, I doubt yet I know I'll be fine, I don't know I'll be fine, but I trust that I will, I don't trust that I will, but I'm sure it will all pan out, it might not all pan out, but it'll probably work out.

I've written before how I've suppressed feelings, where no forgiveness was real, it was a change as energy.

I'd say that I've numbed myself in a lot of ways, and that's not the meaning of stopping the mind through self forgiveness, that's just making myself numb to the affects my mind as energy has on me.

That's what it is.

I need to start feeling more.

Which probably should include emotions as well.

The entire spectrum perhaps, all stimuli.

Taking a step back within boredom, as being numbed, so I will be more focused and more prepared when the time to charge returns.

I want to charge into my mind.

The imagery, the feelings, the emotions, everything that I've suppressed without actually having changed.

The only thing I want to address, before I walk on the surface of the moon again, is this desire to go back, just like with that cigarette, where it felt better to give up knowing I tried, but I'm not giving up, and I've never given up, but I'd dare the universe to try me, but not in a weird way because I won't put up with that, and I've done some drugs again recently, I need to make sure not to do any drugs, and trying to help people, I need to cool off and focus on myself for the most part, I realized I'm not in the position to help or support anyone in any significant way I need to just focus on myself more so right now.

So what is walking on the moon? It's the man on the moon, from Kid Cudi, an album title of his, and one of the songs on the album, and it was when I first started smoking pot, probably around the time I was introduced to Desteni as well 13 or 14, and the way I felt like I was not just complete and fulfilled and felt so good, I was in a dream world, I was more than even spirit.

Basically I felt really good, and I want to feel that way again, but without drugs, I want to embrace my feelings, yet still forgive them, self forgiveness within the relationship to feelings, not in trying to stop the feelings through separation as suppression.

So having my cake and eating it to...

Another paradigm shift.

Here we go...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push my feelings away, because I believed that was how I would stop them, when that just suppressed them without real change, and that real change is me forgiving myself, self honestly as realizing how things really occur and what they should be changed, as the real evolution of man as self actualization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could have believed the contrary, and had believed that in feeling and experiencing more you can process more, yet that's just another end of the coin without self forgiveness, but I have self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize as long as I maintain my integrity through writing self forgiveness and breathing in each moment to live and manifest the living word, I can change for real, but that I can also utilize whatever might support me in finding myself.

'Finding myself' there's another mantra.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel anything because I believed the point was to not feel, and I ingrained that idea within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is bad or wrong to be moved by feelings, to move myself, or to be moved by what's already in place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can design and change my feelings and how I feel and experience myself as feeling in a way that can be supportive, such as feeling like I have the energy and feel good about being at work and going to work, which supports me to be here in my breathe during my work day, as well as giving me a new perspective contrary to where I have placed myself in relationship to feelings for a very long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are any number of ways to go about my day, but it is the self forgiveness that is what binds me in each breathe, to live that forgiveness and commitment in each breathe in each moment.

So, regardless, I must be fulfilled, I must be the one to fulfill myself,

No one ever told me to stop feeling, I just did it, I was just growing up when I was introduced to a lot of the Desteni concepts, and certain things just fell into a certain place a certain way, I did well given I had very little oversight, and had to just trog through all this information on my own for the most part, but the point is I got to where I am today, on my way to paradise, on my way to heaven on earth, on my way to creation. Home at last.

It's time to flip things on their head.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I experience feeling within me, as I focus in and amplify everything about what I feel, as well as draw in more feeling on top of it, to thusly, realize for myself in real time, what has and has not changed is not dependent on my experience, it's dependent on what is lived, so I can see that I'm still existing as feeling as much as I ever have, I've simply suppressed
, but now with self forgiveness, I can grant myself passage back to the moon, back to that feeling I had, as well as many other's I might not be as happy to see, but in each breathe grounding myself, and thus moving myself day by day, as the living word, as my purpose, as my might. My kingdom.