Day 98- Angry Robot

Every cat no matter what type of cat, will grow up to look distinguishable as a cat.

A cactus will grow into a cactus.

People will be people.

Things are programmed, be it through genetic code, or mind code, or sound code like with speaking self forgiveness.

Certain things are just programmed to happen, some reason, some how.

I got angry the other day, and it just hasn't left.

I'm angry that I'm angry, I'm angry that I've written about anger and emotions, but they still have to be faced again from all angles.

I'm angry at how automatic things are, there's no integrity, no compassion, just instantaneous reactions, and decisions based of ego and self interest.

I have no say, and that's infuriating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I will automatically respond to things without any way to stop myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I can recenter myself with breathing, focusing, and self forgiveness after I respond to a certain point in my world, where I can't stop what was programmed, but I can forgive and redesign.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my preprogramming, when I was preprogrammed to hate it, so I'm left unable to speak, unable to change, caught in an endless loop until I muster the strength to let go and forgive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize there are benefits to living in a preprogrammed system, where I can see and predict how best to support myself and others mathematically.

I got angry, and all I had to do was forgive, but I was mad it happened in the first place, so I gave up on self forgiveness where I could have applied it, out of spite of myself and others, and everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of what must be walked and faced in real time, before forgiveness can be applied.

If I've got 10 things I know are going to really grief me, really get under my skin, all happening tomorrow, but I only have enough time to write out one of them today.

I'm going to them still have to face all 10 of those things, but for at least one I have something under my belt, I have an opportunity to dig deeper into that moment. Which will also apply to all other 9 to a degree because all points of mind are woven together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up for not addressing my continuous back chat and anger earlier, because I believe anger to be one of the most important things to write out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anger as the worst thing, needing the most address, when I'm the one who decided what need the most attention in my life, and anger is just an automated response like anything else, nothing special about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find comfort in believing I'm a good person because I don't get angry, when that's not self honest, of course I get angry, agitated, annoyed.

The extent of my anger and how it was being expressed internally through deliberate malicious backchat did seem like a pressing point, at the time, and for all intents and purposes will probably return when I become triggered again.

I'll be triggered plenty more before I die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into my triggers and reactions, instead of just taking a breather, and letting go, what was triggered was triggered, there was or wasn't something to have been done, but it's to not make things any worse than they already are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things worse after I'm triggered as being upset and angry with someone as thinking hatefully toward them, as playing right into the hands of the system, deliberately causing my own destruction.

Why give up? Why make things worse for myself?

I'm already liable to be triggered by many things in a single day, in general, so someone doing things directed toward me, I take very personally, like, 'as if things weren't bad enough you had to do that'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my blame towards others making things worse for me through their interactions with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into this blame of others for making my life worse, when I deliberately think poorly of them and attack their character, when I know I should not be doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in and make things worse for me as feeding deeper into my reaction out of spite and blame, because I am existing as the thought, 'if you're just going to make things ever worse for me, than what's the point of even trying.'

Like I'm not working on the relationship for myself, I'm working on the relationship to be rewarded by the other person in the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to be treated better for trying hard at improving my relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad that 'I'm the only one in this relationship even trying, and for it I get nothing.'

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, I cannot decide my progress based on how I am received externally, because everything is compromised, and I'm the only one with the authority to decide who I am and where I stand in relationship to the world.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself feeling as if I am being treated unfairly based on how much effort I've put into the relationship, as I realize myself as the only one able to give to myself the recognition of my progress, of my worth, of my existence, and as such I realize the worth I'm given to others is the worth they give to themselves, vice versa.

So I'm angry at someone else for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with them, so I'm angry at myself for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with myself?

I do feel unrecognized.

I didn't know it was such a big deal, I assumed good work was it's own reward.

Maybe I am recognizing myself, I just don't feel it.

I don't have a lot of practice at taking things back to myself.

People walk on each other, someone could come right up to me and trigger me, or I could walk up to someone else and trigger them.

It's not real control though.

The vampire has to be let into your home before it can drink your blood.

My reactions are my own.

I am alone, and it's scarier to think what I create as fear and anger is really of and toward myself, but it's already programmed that way, so best not to look down from the tight rope. Don't give into astonishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the self value as the value of all of life equally, to just let go after a mistake, after a trigger, after something goes wrong, and to just move forward just as fast as the reaction occurred itself.

I will not surrender.