The day that had to come, and as many people close to me know this holds a lot of significance to me.
Outside of my work, and my writing, I have been trying to help people, saying it's what is best for all of life, (to myself).
Although I did not say that this to me put me in a superior position to other people, I can see that it did.
The most pressing thing I have done and need to publicly account for is offering people money to write on the forum.
Paying people to write self forgiveness.
Self forgiveness is to me a way of letting go of things I want to change or improve addressed in their specific design and nature as seeing how they were created and why, ultimately directing and being driven by creating a better world for all of life, which means for myself. I cannot just improve my own life, and not another's, I have to consider all of life equally, because life works with relationship.
For more info on what self forgiveness is check out Desteni.org
Obviously there's nothing illegal about paying someone to write but the internet is a place that can be affected by any government, and I do not know the laws of the place from where the forum is hosted, but I today, will not allow this to slide any longer, because I don't know that this is produce supportive results for people, I don't know that it's what the Desteni organization would like representing them, and I am seeing that what is going to be best for life, is to start with just one! Not 2! 1+1=2 0+1=1 meaning right now if I were to ask myself am I supporting myself as life to the best of my abilities, and do I think I'm in a position to help other's, I would say a resounding no.
Only one person did wrote a few things on the forum, but I had 1300 dollars invested among different people, all of which I will make sure understand they are under no obligation by me or anyone to do anything having to do with writing, but I clarified that the money has no obligation nor strings, and I spoke to the one person that did write a few things that it was not right of me to be doing so, and that he was under no financial obligation to write self forgiveness on the forum, why is it that this was wrong of me?
I say 'wrong', as objectively not in the best interest of life, compared to other decisions and things that I deliberately choose not to address.
1) I did not ask anyone if it was ok to pay someone to write self forgiveness for themselves on the forum, doing so without asking the people running the forum, shows how I was seeing my own self interest in being someone who does what is 'best for life', as if just because I thought that this would be a cool idea, and people would agree with it in retrospect if they found out would just be a minor fiasco when shown to the light, I did not ask, and me taking the authority to represent the forum or Desteni as a community, was something I'd like to publicly reconcile.
2) I should not be taking the authority of knowing what is best for life when I justify keeping a questionable transaction secret.
3) Although I have read the forum guidelines and tried to familiarize myself with them in the past, I did not go to even the lengths immediately available to me to me to both double check and seek out more information and reference on the forum.
4) I spoke to what I was doing with someone involved in the group who recommenced investigating what he could see as a clear misalignment in my behavior.
5) There was clear evidence of me being influenced to feel who knows, messiah complex, being a good person, being a martyr who would work hard to make money for a family as people writing self forgiveness with me, power of being a 'boss', and the other side of thinking people were bad for not taking my offer, which I thought was financially a great offer and well thought out.
6) It's a morally grey area, where you're not letting someone decide for themselves what they would like in their life in relationship to writing or self forgiveness when you place money in-between them, the king of manipulators on earth. It's taking away someone learning for themselves for real.
7) I don't know the laws of the country from which the server is hosted.
Reiterating why I did this, I wanted to make a name for myself, I wanted to be special as doing something edgy and cool that people would admire, it gave me purpose to try to help people by utilizing finances, I wanted to be a good person who did good things you know, be good get good, but it was not that simple, so for now and the future, here's some reference to what trying to be a 'good guy' is like, it stinks, I put effort into helping other people, but I did not know what I was doing, and I neglected myself in the process, I stood for manipulating other's with your power to not have to take real responsibility.
I thought it would be cool to have my own gang of people writing self forgiveness like a club where people get together, and I thought that's what I was going to do, I thought I was setting the rest of my life up for success, all my hard work at my job saving my money, and realizing I have money, what do I want to do with it, I want to do what's best for life like I heard about, to be cherished and respected.
Where am I after all of this? I'm so tired it's not even a choice, I didn't have to choose to stop paying people and cut off the financial obligations, I ruined myself, and now my gift is to clean up my mess and call it even.
May anyone interested in more personal insight about my experiences with helping people in basically ego empowerment as self interest plays out, and why communicating and taking care of yourself first seems like a cool idea.
OK! That's what self forgiveness is, that's why I thought it would be a good idea to pay people to write on the forum in immediate loans which put pressure on people to feel pressured as if they already have the money/deal so they have to write, and that's why I must publicly announce and denounce my behavior! That is me having purpose, having responsibility, doing what's best for life, it is not a competition, and what's best should be decided and walked together not in secret driven by motives that could have instantly been recognized as selfish! By talking and communicating and asking questions and mutually respecting all of life. So yes I see that I had good intentions and thought it would be cool to make a name for myself, to be noticed, but that's the thing. This was not me unconditionally doing what is best for life, this was motivated by me thinking I know better, that I am better, trying to prove myself, asserting myself where I knew I was not capable or even given that privilege by anyone but myself to begin with.
Truth is, if I look at my life now and the way I treat life through myself, I lied to the people I apparently wanted to help, I told them they would be helping themselves, I was helping my sense of ego, which is for me to address for myself, and not to involve other's in my complex.
Ok...
That's all specifically concerning that matter!
Me
Time for the fun time!
A real time party for everyone!
In recognizing I'm just a person who has made too many problems for myself to reasonably live my life without utilizing the tools I have learnt from Desteni for self support to help with anything! To accomplish anything! To make a world that is actually inhabitable for all generations to ever come, at the rate we're at as a whole, (which I can even see in myself!) Yeah I can look at the news, I can look any where in the media and see, this doesn't add up the way I'd like it too! I can even simply look at myself, at my own thoughts and behavior and everything I can see, and I can say, none of this is right, simple, and me personally discovering the tools to fix what's wrong with the world, as fixing what's wrong with myself, as one equal part.
That's what I can say!
That's what I can share to the world!
I found a free forum site, free blogs, free vlogs, free videos, mind blowing information, support, and the ability to change myself into a better person, without changing who I am as a living being.
That as of right now I can do, although personal responsibility being crucial, I need to make sure I'm sharing genuinely and unconditionally because sharing Desteni.org with someone else for the first time, is sharing it with myself for the first time, all over again, and that's an even better deal than the one I concocted.
That's what you can do, that's my gift to myself, there is a challenge to it, 'well this is a cult', 'this is weird', 'this is crazy'
That can sting, like why am I doing this, this person raises some good points, that's the gift of sharing, is receiving, another perspective to have fun with and test out.
Party time for real now,
Who am I now starting fresh, for myself?
I want to focus on myself!
I am going to work on that! I commit myself to work and focus on myself, as the one being I'm responsible for, and to address my relationship to being just one being directing one being.
First thing I want to address is not the trying to 'help' people part, it's the attention.
Wanting to be special, be noticed, be recognized and given attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as worth giving attention to, as recognizing what I need and what I am capable of and acting on that through execution.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed as cool and different, as a trail blazer in the way and extent I tried to help other's.
What is cool?
Recognizable?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's as being boring but me as being interesting for doing things differently.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaken myself by needing the attention and affection of other's as to tell me who I am, and what I'm worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do acts that would define me as good, and cool, and worthy, when I was not living as what my actions implied for real, so therefore all I was, was my real intention's which weren't cool, or good, or worthy of anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting attention, where I know I'd rather and be satisfied fulfilling myself, as recognizing myself, but allow myself to get caught up in both the desire of popularity and affinity, as well as the fear of it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the length something I judged as insignificant will really go, where I just justify my desire and fear of being recognized as something or someone through my direct actions, and tell myself that it's no big deal, when it has influenced me to make bold and regrettable gestures that I only ever regretted my entire life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my friends down with me, when I try to tell them about my problems and everything about me, where I want to be recognized, and am only talking about problems and things I know full well how to address in self honesty and self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how I'm noticed by other's will define me as not being boring and not worth much.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I act on being special and noticed from my mind, but I understand that who I am does not require to be above or below anyone, and could simply gain from everyone and everything no matter there current state of mind or expression.
So that's something about helping other's, you can seem special, and recognized.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help other's to seem special and feel recognized when I should be helping myself and all of life for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as being fearless, to seem fearless and powerful, when I do so compensating for how I don't want people to see my fear, so it has nothing to do with seeming like anything, I want to simply address my fear and actually be fearless, not to seem fearless.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself acting in any way that is based on the desire for attention, as I realize this as needing attention in the places I do not give to myself, which I realize cannot be gained through other's, and the involvement of other's only further's the complex, so in these moments to soften the blow, I will look at myself and my actions and ask myself what they represent so I can start to draw the line of how interactions should go, give and take, not me wanting to be fulfilled outside of myself as energy.
I commit myself to address the things that I don't want people to see in me, as not special, and normal, average or bad, ugly or problematic, so I can come to terms with these things as well, and realize as scary as it sounds I don't know how anyone actually perceives me, so I must come to grips with the information I have through how I view myself and other's, to give me things to work with in self forgiveness and interaction in my world.
Loaning large amounts of money, sometimes at interest for my favor, sometimes no interest just another so called 'good act'. Helping people financially.
Helping house people, I tried to take on 3 different people into my old place, problem being it wasn't even my place, and I should not have invited people to stay somewhere as if I was the one accommodating.
Telling people about Desteni recommending it, like I thought introducing people to Desteni was my responsibility, my obligation, it just put me in awkward situations where I felt pressured to talk about Deteni when I was not necessarily interested in comfortable doing so.
Taking people places in my car, if I didn't want to give someone a ride I never had to.
Simple acts of trying to be nice and respectful and listen, which I was not consistent at to begin with, sometimes just being rude or stubborn.
All of these things have a double edged
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as good for doing these things for other's, when sometimes they put me in situations I'm not comfortable with, and thus it's the 'greater good'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest with myself when I do things just because I think they're good things, because I will than be a special Jesus Christ figure who suffers for other's, when I don't know anything about Jesus Christ if real, and many people have emulated Jesus Christ through Christianity, and the results aren't adding up fast or efficient enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I've been possessed, where I feel overwhelmed with terror of myself, when and as I have seen that I was in-fact possessed to help people, to feel the part of me that believed doing good is being good.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to torture myself in the name of doing good, as the name of god, as Jesus dying on the cross, is not representing what's best for life, because it is coming from my own perspective which cannot see life, and can only see martyrdom as a way out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate life when I try to help believing it's my way out, when I'm not considering all of life, and hate life, and just want an out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise my behavior from myself, by strategically spending my time on activities that would keep me constantly distracted, so even when I was writing, I was already onto the next activity, as I am now, in my mind thinking about other activities that don't need an address just yet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for hiding how I hurt myself through trying to help, when I could have simply addressed this many times over, simply found what I justified as a good reason not to, a good reason to ignore a real problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I have spent time distraught, and in pain, and thought that it was acceptable to treat myself that way, when I would not treat another that way, and I would not ask another to sacrifice themselves, yet I would, as indicated by what I do to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sacrificing myself to doing what's good and living a good life, is not 'good', it's a misalignment, you give up on yourself and what's best for you as life while simply recognizing other's as equal in value, meaning to sacrifice one, is to sacrifice all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am a sinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sinner so quickly, when I've just seen myself as a savior not a few hours ago, so the evidence of what's going on as fabrication is clear, but I'm letting myself be triggered because I can't help it.
Help it.
I cannot help it.
I cannot help who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say and think I cannot help myself, far more times than I've tried to help anyone in anyway, and still didn't get the picture.
I used Desteni, and abused the name and reputation of Desteni, to fulfill my desire of being a messiah, where I knew I harbored this complex which I knew was not what would be best for life, but found a way to justify it through self deception.
It's become compulsive, so, when and as I see myself harboring the impulse to help other's doing the activities as believing they are good and beneficial to other's, I commit myself to stop, breathe, and ask myself, do I believe that this is really what's best for all of life together as a group, or am I seeking to fulfill a sense of self gratification playing behind the sense, and in asking this question, give myself as much time as I can to be still, to not act compulsively, because even if I was doing what was best for life all the times I tried to 'help', compulsive actions aren't being delegated, they're due to restraint from restriction, from repercussion, I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, I have the tools to be good for real, and I try to screw them up!
This is a crazy party! This is fun, I tried, and I was wrong, and I forgave, so I can see how I'm still judging in the word wrong, what's wrong with trying to do what's best and learning as you go? What's wrong with hurting yourself and justifying it because you believe it will help other's, where you put your attention on other's, and miss the point, as missing yourself.
That makes for one crazy party!
ups and downs, that makes a party!
Sometimes I'm good sometimes I'm bad, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise myself in everything I do, instead of just coming to terms with what I have done in my life, and how I have created a relationship to what is done, as the past, and restrict the future, out of fear of dying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in being honest about what I've done and what I learned and what I forgave and what I'm going though, does not change the fact that I am still not at terms with me being the one who creates my experience, and me being alone to address the world, not as a feeling, but as what I can see from my perspective as right or wrong and correcting it.
Why does this all make me end up feeling upset?
I'm struggling with this point, because I fear and regret how much it opens, where I have to make another choice.
I'm seeing how I can deliberately deceive myself, without question, and with justification, and where this has placed me as alone in the clouds above the world, or beneath the ground with no worth to anyone, and I spread this indirectly yet, requiring just a little self honesty to discover, and so I'm scared of what I've done to other's.
But the point was what I've done for and as myself as equal to other's.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe entities outside of myself can punish me, because I don't even listen to my own voice, and I resent my existence, because it's not beautiful, like the christ doing good acts and suffering for other's, why? Because other's sinned, he sinned in hurting himself and calling that the greatest act.
This is not my greatest act, this is my weakest hour, and all the mathematics add up to me, not being what's best for life as myself, this is like a last ditch chance to make amends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am required to make amends with other's in the same way the world is required to function on money when that's just a collectively brought about choice, that monopolized, and then it wasn't a fair choice, if democracy has ever really been implemented.
I commit myself to settle here, recognize that I've come to terms with certain things, and can now move on to make more mistakes and learn more and implement more, so I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself fearing what I'm creating as the world in doing 'good', and realize I'm just gambling with my life, and if I can see and live with dignity as a conscience being, I should have already realized I should not gamble my life for a chance at winning, I should not treat myself the ways I would not treat other's in life and vice versa. So in this moment of stopping when I fear the world I'm creating as doing good, I will just commit myself to find a way to create a good world for all of life while I'm still here, that'd be brave, if there are boggy men, or ghosts, or aliens, or what is what and who is who, I can stand for what I conscienceless understand as life being a resource, a resource that I am, and a resource that can self multiply, and if I just be patient and don't start thinking in fantasies, and I can find a way to live and interact that is fair and just to all in all ways, and I can forgive and change what I will not accept or agree with for all of life, and I can see things in a way that allows me to maintain myself in the face of the separation I've created as past, present, future, me, you, them, All for one, one for all, and nothing for anyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emulate Bernard Poolman, for myself, when I need to take care of myself, life is dying, and I don't know who I am so that griefs me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grieved by not being able to see my own face, which is to have control over what I look and appear to be to other's, when to me I'm nothing, so what else could I be?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naive when I wanted to be like Bernard Pool man in doing good things, and being intense and meaningful, when I help people, and justify it, because I decide having a purpose is justified over living one, so mimicking is tolerable over realizing, expressing, and sharing equally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret dragging a dead mans name into my personal conflict vendetta, where I blame myself, so I blame everyone else, but justify it as being good because I did what I thought B would do, a man I did not know 1/10,000ths that other people did, yet I thrive off of him as some personal spirit animal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate me, for not being the person who I believe would know what to do.
I commit myself to stretch, and shrink, who I am and what I think, and what I do and don't do, just to gain an understanding of the meaninglessness of it, outside of what is given and taken by the natural resource of life.
I commit myself to redefine natural resources, to find a place in my crazy head sphere that I've implemented because I'm not happy, with ways to think about and observe the word natural resource in my world and environment so I can come to terms with redefining how I see and live the word as and through self forgiveness as realignment to what I realize as best for myself as life, e e e e e e equal.
I commit myself to redefine the word sex, as a word I associate with this fiasco, as seeing how I embrace celebecy as an option, stated in my past blog, when I would give up on women as another sacrifice, when in reality I know that it was no sacrifice, I'm always on dating sites, and trying to talk to girls, which get me going! It's fun to just talk to girls, and if they liked me, as the poet inside of me says, 'I would have absolutely no clue or care of what to do if I caught one'. So, sex, and can sex be in the mind, and can it be in a feeling, and what do you do if you aren't comfortable with the sexual feelings you have. In redefining the word, I can establish these things for myself, and won't have to make brash decisions like celibacy which I do not actually stand for or represent, I'm just feeding off all the different angles that work in my self interest, the triangle, 3 points, which one wins? You can stretch them out as long as you'd like, they're part of one shape, consciences, and I should not be scaring myself, I am going to be more firm with myself, I will redefine this word which I have created physical turmoil around, to realize what I did, and why I did it, and how I can change it for real, and live and apply something I know I'm already excited for.
Excitement is a good word, even while writing this blog, I was excited to jump into such a long serious me here giving er a go at a serious issue that needed serious attention, and I realize I don't want to be excited to do something important when lives are at stake! All this helping stuff that seemed to help some people sometimes, put other people at risk at other times, there's no art or craft or perfection to it, it just needs to first be toned down in this blog, but then addressed and approached more throughout over time and through self forgiveness and my ability to see what my world is and left the weight that is uncalled on. I commit myself to investigate the word excitement and realize when it occurs in relationship to certain activities how it influences my ability to best function. My ability to see what's really going on, just like the excitement and freedom and enjoyment of sex with a man and a women, and all of sudden that excitement is fear, there was compulsive behavior based on fear of dying unforgiven. unsexxed, un/not worth something for not having sex, that's the excitement to escape reality, then the kid, is a real thing. Then what have I done, what have I done, what have you done, you did this, because I fear that I played a role, no matter how big or small, so that's excitement as it stands, I commit myself to investigate the regret after excitement once faced with the more pressing reality of matters, and how excitement was never even what it appeared to be, and there was a specific reason that it appeared to be the way it was, to influence people over time, and generations, because that was accepted, excitement is easy, feeling good is great, love is god, but a child is not easy, being a parent will not feel good, and man is god and god has a great wrath that flows both ways.
That's my mistake, where it came from, why it was a mistake, how I realized and forgave what was able to be isolated in this one sitting, and of course, how I will live the change the living word, as I address some words to play with in the coming trials and tribulations.
One more thing is under my skin, that played more of a role in this than I gave credit initially, wanting to be Bernard Poolman, finding ways to feel and act and emulate him.
The he is superior for what he created, means I'm less for not having created, I wanted to stand and rise and be the things I saw occurring in another, but not in myself
I can see myself comparing myself to him, in ways that don't even make sense, I'm Matt, I don't know what Matt is physically very well, and fight with him and make his life impossible, but we're getting somewhere, there is a horizon, a world to explore never explored before, and it's not the hollow earth, or the flat earth, or the sun, or space, or the sea, It's Matt a living being giving himself what he needs as a being that messed itself up, but is growing aware of the greater repercussions of messing one up, and how fast that adds up.
So helping other's has left me totally totally unable to do anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto Bernard Poolman as an idol that represented what I wanted in myself, when my body is my idol and if I treat him the way I treat myself, I'd be in jail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize the common words structured as tools of reasserting oneself as the living word and everything in-between and making a better being, yet acting like Bernard Poolman is me writing to help myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leech onto the idea of a man separate from me to save me, as 'I saved other's', when I'm a human directing myself one and equal, I've made my own exsistance.
Let's mix the sands here,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a weak body, where I see myself as punished with an enadequette body, that is not strong, handsome, or competent enough to make me through the day and do the tasks I'm required of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my body to that of Bernard Poolman, I knew him from his voice, and speaking to him one time, I don't know his body or what it is to inhabit his body, I know what it is to inhabit my body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not fix all these dang things that's needing fixin, because I'm not in a body that is willing and comfortable with the task at hand.
I commit myself to embody the body that's got to sort this all out, because I'm a body, flesh and blood in action as one part, but I have a mind to help me navigate, and I am conscience of what is going on because of the relationship between the two.
So, I can write all of that and not feel up to facing the day, or I could just be the body that bumped itself up, to the level it clearly requires in all situations at all time.
I commit myself to set everything I've ever written here or ever aside, when it it time to go out and into the world and live, and I commit myself to harvest the energy through whatever good eating, and exercising and sleeping and medication is required internally or physically.
I commit myself to get hella excited to go make some skrilla, knowing I'll regret the feeling of excitement when I come down, and knowing also that if I don't try to find a way to spend the money I earn in a way that is best for all of life soon, It's going to become all about selfishness again, without me even realizing.
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