Day 109- Redefining Tired

What is tired to me?

I'm always tired.

I'm always facing the consequences of sleeping too much or not enough.

I define tired as not having slept enough, but I can over sleep, and still be tired, so I'm living that word based on my definition that already could be improved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word tired based on a definition that could be significantly improved.

I keep living this word and getting it wrong, where I can never resolve my tired, cumbersome expression, because I try to fix my tiredness based on a flaud definition. I try to just sleep more, but I can sleep in very late until I cannot sleep any more, and still feel tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate my tiredness by trying to fix it externally without addressing the root cause, which I cannot see because of living a lie for so long.

I 'lie' down to sleep, and hope I will resolve my tiredness, but even after having laid down for so long, I'm still tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a definition of tired that is not honest, for all the times I hoped that sleep would resolve the problem, but it is simply externalizing an internal problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound the word hope onto the word tired, where I hope to realize the tiredness with sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that sleep will resolve me feeling tired.

There mental energy tired, and there's physically tired.

They can be hard to differentiate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my comprehension of tiredness by not well defining mental vs physical tiredness.

That's another misaligned definition, so there's a lot of compounding.

So I feel tired, and it's like, 'what is to be done'? Because I cannot see clearly my relationship to tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an undesirable relationship to tiredness by putting up with it all these years, to no avail, at work hoping tomorrow will be better if I just get my sleep correct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleep as the only answer to tiredness, because that's how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself to only identify sleep as resolving tiredness, when I make myself feel it's the only answer, as feeling like going to bed, when that wasn't self honesty, that was the feeling of hope, I hope going to bed will make me feel better, I feel like it will, but I know it probably won't, and if it does it is not truly resolved.

Can sleep be resolved? Or, can sleep resolve being tired? When it does, it only helps for a little, so something happens from the point of waking up, to going back to bed that refuels my tiredness.

What makes me tired?

I'm tired of love.

I'm tired of feeling the way I do about women, having not flushed the point out to where I can effectively stand, I fall in love with every girl I meet.

That's tiring because I know where to stand, but can't quite pin it down yet.

You know what they say, sleeping with a girl, getting a girl into bed... I got 'laid' last night.

Does that stop you from being tired? If sleep isn't enough, does sleeping with someone help?

I'm tired of this, I'm tired of that.

That opens up a lot about being tired.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself hoping that going to bed will resolve my tiredness, as I realize that sleeping in as long as I can can still leave me tired, and sleeping with someone expecting to resolve the internal problem of being tired externally is just the same issue, so in these moments I will be directing myself as I have taught myself to be assertive in my breathing and directing myself to live my forgiveness in correction and self direction.

I commit myself to redefine the word tired within how I live in each moment, as I realize how tiredness as a feeling and expression compounds in many different ways throughout my day, and cannot be resolved externally.

I define tired now as when you have been running your fumes up, and they need to be recharged.

So that's a lot of things to look into, so the point of living my new definition in each breathe will allow me to look into it without tiring myself out, I will resolve my new definition with resolve as each breathe.