Day 110- Redefining Failure

Everyone knows that you pick yourself up after you fall and do better.

Everyone knows learning is freckled with failure.

I know that's what you're suppose to do, and sometimes I do, improve from my failings.

But, it's also very frightening.

Sometimes failure is so traumatizing that I might want to give up.

Sometimes I make excuses when I fail.

Current definition: Sometimes you make a mistake and you get another chance to  improve, but sometimes a failure can seem so crippling that you don't improve, or you give up out of spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto my failures as bad memories of all the things I said or did, which I regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound regret onto failure, where failure does not need to be something that you regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my falling's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my failures, holding onto them, not allowing myself to improve as I realize is what failure should be defined as, to realize a flaw that was not previously recognized, and then applying myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my thoughts as falling of who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my mind as a falling out of who I am, instead of a falling out of what I have created, when my mind, my soul, and my body aren't aligned as I'd like them to be.

I like the new idea of redefining words for myself to live, and I like how difficult it is to write about, I like how I can sense and live and create my new definitions for myself in each breathe, so I feel like I'm always occupied, progressing on something.

I like how I write out a word and then the next day or so face a big event in my life where I'm challenged to live and learn and realize about my new word.

This word however, is very scary, because I'm scared that if I try to improve my failure, then I will have to fail in the process, which is frighteningly true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being punished for failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a reality within myself where I believe that I am being punished for failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other's for punishing me for failing, when I'm the one who stood for me being punished, I believe the way to fix failure is punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for failing, where I don't know how or where punishment should be applied in anyway to anyone, but I know that standing with someone and supporting them is better, and a punishment doesn't need to be a bad or shameful thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I am punished for failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad when I have failed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat myself like a beast unable to act and learn and process my world in a responsible sensible manner, where I must instead be influenced through positive and negative reinforcement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to influence myself with negative reinforcement when I fail, instead of equally recognizing positive reinforcement when I fail, not just when I succeed, and in doing so, realize positive or negative is just a means to an end, to get it right, and to move on.

So you move on after all of that up and down and things can get really emotional, and then what happens? A new challenge, a new falling, and a new rising, and then another challenge to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotional over my failing's when there is no time to be emotional, because by the time I've calmed down, there's a new issue, waiting for me.

I think about specifically where I have failed in my past, and many things jump up at me, but I think about where I've succeeded, and I draw a blank.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harbor my failures, quantifiably more than my succeding's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest in how I utilize my memory where there's no way to fail without success, I can't just fail and never succeed, I simply shift the scale, because I believe I'm a failure, so everything I look up in the map of my life resonates with failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate myself with failure through resonance frequencies, in a way that does not equally represent the polarity of success.

Why do I shift the scale this way?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a failure in comparison to other people, where I can judge the hell out of everyone I meet, in a way that you would absolutely assume would be putting myself above them, yet I always seem to default on being below other's, sometimes in social skills, sometimes in work ethic, even though I work a lot now, that's a success, and I don't recognize that, I look to when I didn't work even though I was 18, and judge myself for not having started working as soon as I legally could have been employed at 16.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a failure for not having started working sooner, and thus on top of never doing well in school, having amounted to nothing.

To have a job, to do well in school, is unanimously agreed upon as success, when it's really about the money.

I remember going to the zoo as a kid, it was a success, I was successful in my life, getting to go to a zoo and see animals, which can be a cool thing, if the animals are habituated correctly and being treated properly.

But I was a kid, I didn't work to go to the zoo, I was rewarded for being a kid, for being alive.

Being alive is a success.

So I clear a little bit of space, as a sacrament of purifying, to say I don't just change my vocabulary, I change who I am and what I'm living through forgiveness. Forgiving my failures.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself fearing that I will fail, or have failed in anyway, as I realize what failure means, and how I would like to live it in each breathe, redefined for myself thusly; I define failure as something that you realize needs improvement, and strive to apply yourself to reach the goal of standing as improvement, meaning there's no punishment or shame, nothing negatively or positively compounded, you just live that definition, SOULY.

I commit myself to live my new definition of failure in each moment as each breathe, as I realize however rigid and strict my new definition is, it is a part of my process, a part of my forgiveness, something that can simultaneously hold me back, and let me free, where I might love to make other's happy when I improve my failings, but I know that nothing is worth how I treat myself when I fail and hit rock bottom within my energy and motivation and will to press onward, so I don't want anything more than to improve, for myself as reaching my goals after I have failed.

Tomorrow I want to do, redefining silence, then after that I want to take a step back from redefining words so I don't get over zealous and lose track of all the words I'm trying to work on, and write about some other stuff to pace myself out.