182- Opening a Chest

I want to open up a new point within me because it would be refreshing instead of dealing with the stale and difficult to open points I have constantly rattling me, yet hard to reach into, so I open the chest to see what's inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up a new point within my breathe to breathe living and expression because I fear opening up something overwhelming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to open up more points within my breathe to breathe living as a new deep point that is there within each breathe, not just something triggered by reactions but something that can be seen in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to explore and work with new points within myself when I have an endless amount of points to address in just the past hour, not including the entire day, and not including everything that I didn't see or notice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in judging myself not take a step back to realize writing about what supports me is vital in giving me the strength of self to be able to sit down and nit pick and grind into all the tedious endless little things coming up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my perception of what is most important to be writing self forgiveness on as I realize going against what I believe to be the most vital or important thing allows me to see how I can become full of myself with ideas like what is the most important things to write self forgiveness for, in this case 'I shouldn't be looking for new interesting things and instead should address what is already coming up within my mind on principle because it's better to address what's boring and already here then what's interesting and new'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself into a box when I don't in self honesty see that the path of what is right and wrong in self forgiveness really applies to me very much when I need to be able to keep exploring the concepts and working certain things out within my life.

When and as I see myself judging writing about a new point instead of an old point as being wrong, I stop, I breathe, I realize I don't know what I'm doing in a sense, and as such I should be deliberately exploring new ideas to try to really open up self forgiveness and process and what's best for life until I can stand for my definitions in my living without any doubt, thusly, I commit myself to remain focused here and not influenced by my mind confusing me when I'm trying to do self forgiveness about a new point within me, I commit myself to explore points within me that go totally against what i would normally do to question my current conceptions of self forgiveness and self honesty.

I can't think of any deep moment to moment deep mental thing that I'm looking for, because I'm too much in my consciences bubble where I really don't want to have to deal with more new points on top of all the old points I've been well aware of and trying to slowly chip away at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bringing awareness to new points in my life can give me a lot of fresh energy and fresh experience to work with, which my mind likes, and I like because it helps me in my day to day living, and also helps me have more perspective on myself and more to write about in self forgiveness.

Opening up new points can be like an all around fresh breathe of air, which would be great right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up an unknown point as being too intense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exploring the intensity of my matrix, as I realize how intense it can be to work, to be alive, to be existing on earth as life is already intense from a physical stand point, how dangerous could going into my mind be by comparison?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I see of myself and my general outline I've learnt about myself is all I am, and there isn't any new deep point that I'm seeking within myself.

I realize I see new things come up within me all the time so that just represents something that is misguided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misguide myself from discovering some deep hidden point within myself that I don't want myself to become aware of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there isn't a secret point to discover, but instead just a point I've always be aware of on a deep level just never paid attention to, which is just a matter of prying into my memories.

I've caught a new point.

Something I've been aware of for a long time, but just never paid much attention to or address.

Here's the point,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my internal experience is reflected onto the world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how my internal experience is reflected even into how I visibly see the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I see the world around me in complete disconnect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever how I see the world around me says about the condition I'm in within myself speaks volumes to my illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how sick I must be within myself to see the world around me in such a sick disconnected way lacking compassion are caring about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as life for being able to sink so low to the point that often times people don't look alive to me, I just see deeper bizarre elements coming from the mind and maybe genetics or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no just see the world around me as one and equal, where I would say why look so deeply into things and not learn or change or forgive in myself, why see so deeply into reality just to abuse myself and others accordingly?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see deeply into things only to give myself a special power to give myself my special form of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pride of not regretting how I've manipulated myself so much that it's coming though my eyes and bleeding out into how I see the world around me.

Why be proud of how I've learnt to perceive the world around me in a warped way?

If I had reached that point through opening it up to directly do self forgiveness on like I am now, then it would be an act of self responsibility and self exploration, but I would just enjoy looking deeply into things to be a cunt, which is pretty funny, I get how it's cool to have a special ability, but I can also see how it's deeply compensating and suppressing a lack of fulfillment in my life and a need to have a special deep experience of life different from what I imagine other's experiencing, but I don't know what other's experience.

Sometimes in interacting with others it can be of putting because it's like I'm looking in from the outside at this picture of the other person that just doesn't seem to be real, so I was looking for a deep moment to moment breathe to breathe point, and visual perception and awareness is an interesting direction I would not have guessed because that is every breathe, even when I close my eyes it's not just pure black, there's always something moving behind my eyes, in dreams, in closing my eyes I can see see my mind and things moving.

How I see things around me is a reflection of myself, so I find myself not caring because it's just a reflection of myself there's not much to be done, but I could be learning and seeing what does this disconnect from reality showing me about myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about what my perception is reflecting back to me about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that my perception is never what I'd like to make it, as reflecting me living what I'd like to be living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care that what I think of others and my perceptions of who other's are is totally and completely condensed and automatic and beyond my direct equal living control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my perceptions of the world around me show about me as being totally programmed in how I see and experience the world around me at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my perceptions of reality as a reference point to live and direct me within my world, as I've realized lots of different things as reference points, how I perceive reality should be a reference, that the world around me looks like it does and is experienced as it is through me at this moment should be something I stand by to guide me to see that I'm warped and something needs to be done, to see that my life is going in a warped direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my perceptions of reality, as I realize I've been looking at reality from a lens of distortion my entire life, and I can see that it is growing worse as I continue to resist putting the pierces together, I realize everyday grants me a new gift, a new wind of self movement to continue pushing myself in the direction, a new direction.

So this is a fer out point, so that's the thing about a new point, I have to start on the surface, I can't dive into this point just yet.

When and as I see myself fearing my perception of existence, I stop, I breathe, I realize my perception of existence
is just reflecting how I've separated myself from existence within my mind, thusly, I commit myself to stare as deeply into the void as I feasibly can, because it won't hurt me and I can only gain from doing so as long as i continue to take things back in self forgiveness and self honesty, so there's the risk that I don't, but I have to take that risk and trust myself because it's a risk moved by me in self honesty.