Day 181- A Very Obscure Point

This point is very obscure, and it's crazy to think about because I've taken excessively obscure points within myself and successfully rooted them out and given them words despite being totally crazy to put onto paper, but this point it's like it's such a part of me, a part of my soul that I can't see into it, so I just start with warming myself up, not specific not precise not focused, but just taking the first step that I need to take to address something I realize is important to address within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to contain my mind giving myself the impression of stopping the parts of my mind that I want to stop as bringing back to myself as living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for the imitation of stopping my mind when I'm just basically focusing and meditating to give myself serenity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let my mind go and be chaotic and see where it goes and let it go far out.

Because what I can take back to myself in my living I will, but what I can't stop because I haven't applied the self forgiveness and commitments, it then doesn't matter and I need to support myself by evening things out.

I've spent so much energy suppressing my mind, but now I need to let it be free, what I can change will be changed by myself on principle, but everything else is a matter of learning and supporting myself and others.

The point is my mind will do what it's programmed to do, I need to leave it alone and focus on being here and breathing and not worrying about what my mind is up to all the time.

I think one thing to mention is how I've always had loads and loads of ideas about my personal process and what to be doing in my life, but as of recently I've never had such a palpable comprehensive grasp on what I'm doing within my process and what my goals are and how everything comes together so this really is the time for me to create and express and explore and to test what I'm realizing so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest about how my mind and how my mind operates creates energy within me separate from me being here moving myself as energy as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I create energy within my mind which affects my living and my body that I need to be in constant control and directing my mind all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the energy produced within my mind as bad and having a bad affect on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how difficult it is to control the energy within me through controlling my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to control my mind so I can stop myself from feeling energetically all over the place and not able to live a certain type of energy which is more stable within my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only focus on a certain aspect of my living for so long that I lost control of other parts of my living by giving them no attention.

There's a part of myself I need to take back.

I have an idea of how to take back this part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just letting everything go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting in no effort and just letting everything play out on it's own within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress an entire spectrum of information and understanding of myself by not just letting everything play out on it's own and not interjecting my projection of having stopped anything when I'm not in a position to be stopping very much, I'm in a position to be studying and learning and applying myself in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no matter what angle I come at things from no matter how much effort I put into myself I cannot reach where I'd like to be within myself.

Again I have to remind myself how much time I spent in walking my process in an endless cycle, in not utilizing my writing and speaking of self forgiveness and correction application, I have to remind myself as much as I feel so helpless and conflicted over what I'm referring to within myself, it's only been such a short amount of time that I've found myself actually confronting things for real in self forgiveness and corrective application.

So this along with a lot of other things, the more effort I put into writing self forgiveness and corrective application, the more specific I can become, the more I can understand what's going one, the more I can accomplish in my living outside of my writing.

So the experience of this point is too much for me, is really this point has been too much for me in the past, and I realize the difference from now vs the past is the speaking of self forgiveness and corrective application where I'm actually digging into the matter and creating a solution for real in living outside of the endless cycles of the mind.

So already a word comes up, more then I could say for any amount of effort outside of self forgiveness.

The word is shifty, I feel energetically shifty and unstable like everything within me is programmed energetically and I cannot move myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as helpless in relationship to this point, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as helpless instead of just diving in with everything I have within myself to get to the bottom of this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put everything I have into this point instead of letting it drive me up the wall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put everything I have into this point because I've just been waiting for it to resolve itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as one and equal to this point within my stomach by waiting for it to resolve itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the energy into resolving and coming to terms with this point within myself.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit around feeling helpless and restless in relationship to the energy within myself in my stomach instead of turning myself around and doing something about the situation from within myself here as the physical.

This point is really griefing me right now, but it's important to let that come out and to write about it so I can put it into words, which all I can do right now is energy and stomach and shifty and some of the things that trigger it within me.

When and as I see this point coming up within me, I stop, I breathe, I realize what this point is and reflects within me, thusly, I commit myself to let this point come out more within my life, I commit myself to let this point influence me more in my life, I commit myself to in each breathe bring this point out as much as I can so that the next time I sit down to write about it I'll have more information, I'll be able to specify it, and won't be shooting in the dark as much and can actually start practically breaking this point down for myself.

So with this point feeling so stuck within me, and feeling like it's in my stomach, it draws a lot out to being related to constipation symbolically or possibly directly, so I want to make sure I address that directly because there's no reason to skirt around constipation or bowl movements in this kind of writing, but at this point just drawing that similarity
out and that symbolism out is good enough for the time being.