Day 163- Redefine Mess

I realize a word that envelopes what I usually experience within myself regularly evey day, is mess.

I feel like internally I'm a mess, so when I achieve or accomplish something I feel proud because it's like I succeeded at looking past the mess within me and accomplishing something regardless, but I'm realizing the mess still doesn't go away no matter how I try to supercede it.

So I have to face the word itself and how I've integrated it into my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently create the pattern of working around my mess within myself instead of facing it head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy in not faving the mess within myself head on as directly addressing what it is and how it came to be in self honesty.

Procrastinion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate facing the mess within myself waiting until I'm forced to face it because it's become a problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn down what is best for me as being proactive as addressing and quenching my problems before they become something so large that I'm forced into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to be forced into action out of resentment for being alive and having to face the responsibility of being alive and responsible for life.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to define the mess within myself as being too difficult to face head on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on the mess within myself by not giving me the words as the symbols needed to recognize and understand the creation of my mess.

I forgive myself that I have acceoted and allowed myself to want to deal with my mess from the point of it being an inconvenience to me, instead of out of self honestly recognizing misalignment within myself and realizing myself as changing through forgiveness out of principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being hard to deal with because of the mess I'm in, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have compassion for myself in realizing I have no conscience idea how I've become all the wires and programming that I am today, and simply see I need to assist myself in reorganizing myself and my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from standing and changing myself as how I've lived the word mess, when I blame the mess within myself thus not seeing it as equal to myself thus equal as being forgiven as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself trying to straighten things out and organize things within myself implying I'm spending a lot of energy within my mind trying to clean things out, but if I just realized how this is all occuring I'd be able to just change through self forgiveness without all the energy being depleted.

I forgive myself that i have acceoted and allowed myself to become a mess within myself by letting things just fall apart, in not caring about consequences or outcomes just letting things play out through their own nature, witch is the nature of a mess, which is what I conceived of as growing up when I couldn't find a way to make ends meet within myself.

But I never really tried to look, like I thought I was entitled to be shown a way, which in a sense was manifested because I was shown self forgiveness without having to convince of it on my own, but it still required me to put the pieces together for myself.

Which is what I'm doing, cleaning the mess up piece by piece.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word mess as either cleaning the mess up all at once or leaving it without compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed with how I live the word mess as I see my mind my energy my direction within myself being chaotic, instable, unpredictable, and difficult, so I don't want to deal with it, but I have no choice at this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a way where I deal with my mess once it becomes too great to bear, yet become annoyed when that time comes, where I'm really just stalling for time hoping that things will get better.

I think what I'm realizing is things aren't just going to get better.

I think that's what I realize lately, is that I have to play an active role, actually apply myself to get actual progress, and even then it's not always that substantial all at once.

Cleaning a mess can take time, just as it took time to create.

Clean the mess without understanding how it was manifested in the first place, that's why I'm here, where and who I am now, because I need to see that I don't repeat what I've created within myself, that I change for real my mind my body my energy my direction my behavior my beliefs my words.

I'm being impatient because I can see so much potential in cleaning up my 'act', cleansing myself, but there's so much pain and resistance between me and becoming the person I'd like to be.

At this point, that seems to be part of the game, the mind has to go rock bottom before it can resurface.

Thats when the question arise, is this enough? Have I made things difficult enough? Can I just clean this and get to the point of living yet? Or do I still need to grow even more confounding, confused, concerned?

It's like stop picking at scabs, stop digging the hole deeper, stop pushing boundaries, stop making the mess worse, and it has an opprituinuty to get better.

Up until recently and even then not to my fullest capacity have I decided through realization I really need to stop making this mess worse, because just like at a confessional you can be forgiven of everything, but if you go and just do it all over again within living change and commitment and principle it's all for naught.

Relax, breathe, and stop making the mess worse if I really plan to fix it.

When and as I see myself making the mess within myself worse through my participation within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize the mess will slowly but surely be resolved, but if I give into emotion and throw everything away than I only set myself back further in the time i'll be require to walk all this crap out, thusly I commit myself to deal with my mess head on within myself and my outward living without fear or resistance, as I realize if I just stop making things worse and direct myself to clean things up, the mess will inevitably be resolved.

A comfort comes over me, as I realize within myself once again the potential to forgive myself of my misalignment within my living and the potential to reassert myself anew without fear.

I redefine the word mess as being something which is not orgainzed the way I'd like or prefer it to be as what is in my best interest as life.

Meaning sometimes what I define as a 'mess' is really just a mess to my ego, a mess to my convince, thus I realize some things which I've believed to be a mess may very well be in my best intrest, I simply don't want to address them in self honesty to discover that for myself.

There's that inside of me that's still frustrated because this doesn't flat out fix anything it just shows me how I've created and lived up to this point through this word, I still have to go to the chalk board to address my 'problem' of all this stuff that moves within me all the time to no end or avail.

I realize this is the bed I've made and the bed I must sleep in, so step up, or shut up.