Day 209- Sleep Apathy

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear passing out and waking up feeling unrested as being my only way to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the only way I can change my sleep experience is through self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a special relationship to sleep where I can will myself to have a great time sleeping that will propel me through my day, when in reality it seems like there are underlying issues that have to be addressed in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control my awareness during sleep where I always pass out and the only awareness I have in sleep is a few minutes before I pass out after laying down and then during my dreams and then suddenly I'm awake and feel like I just got done exercising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I wake up feeling empty like I didn't get the sleep I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for not getting the sleep I want instead of making one of two different things happen, where I either work with the sleep capacity I have, or change how I sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied with my nights rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my nights sleep when I could be satisfied with the sleep I got because I can't change what happens after I've already woken up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deeply regret waking up feeling bad when I am only making things worse.

When and as I see myself regretting failing to get the sleep I desire, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's something underlying at play where I'm not addressing my relationship to sleep very well, thusly, I commit myself to address my relationship to sleep more directly instead of going into regret which makes things worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself within the ultimatum that I either sleep well or I am going to give up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving up when I don't get the sleep that I want, as I realize this black mailing of myself only makes things worse and has yet to convince me to somehow star sleeping better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my well being hostage out of blame of not sleeping well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that sleep is a reflection of myself where if I'm not living in a way that is supporting me then why would I sleep in a way that supports me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage so I will get what I want out of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use sleep as a crutch because I don't feel like I'm capable of pushing myself through into the next day without a miracle happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view sleep as making miracles happen as giving me the strength to push through the next day when I fall asleep feeling like I cannot do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whatever happens during sleep that moves me from being unable to face the day because I don't have enough energy to being able to face the day and having enough energy occurs within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing how I am able to go from having no energy to do anything to having enough energy to make it through the whole day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I could mess up my ability to regenerate energy within myself without realizing it because I don't understand how I regain energy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself I don't know how energy regenerates when I have some idea and have a good enough idea to have very consistent non fluctuating energy patterns on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want more control either my relationship to sleep when I have enough of a relationship as it stands and am not working with what I have.

When and as I see myself wanting more control over my relationship to sleep, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to take responsibility for the relationship I have to sleep before I can develop a new one, thusly, I commit myself to take self responsibility for my relationship to sleep by walking out my relationship to sleep in each breathe.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go to bed fearing I will wake up depressed in relationship to how I don't feel as good as I had planned to feel waking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to wake up feeling good instead or just making it happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any expectations of how I should feel waking up when my expectations seem to be based on nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations to manipulate my actions when I could instead be taking action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I'm lazy in my waking life, I'm lazy in my sleeping life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get better results from sleep but refuse to admit I need to make more of an effort to get said results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself suffer through very miserable waking up experience when all I had to do was make an effort.

I forgive myself that o have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm automatically entitled to sleeping well when I'm clearly not or else I'd be sleeping well and I'm not at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm entitled to sleep in an effort to receive the maximum amount of good sleep with the least amount of effort as I realize I need to draw the line and realize being entitled to good sleep is not worth investing into anymore.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I've put too much energy into believing
I'm entitled to sleep good without putting in any effort, as I realize things can always get worse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego stand in my way or addressing the damage I've done to live through entitlement in my life and that it's time to change before things get any worse.

When and as I see myself not wanting to let go of my entitled relationship to deserving good rest, I stop, I breathe, I realize my entitlement is my creation and is become a form of abuse as an abusive relationship, thusly, I commit myself to let go to stop things from becoming any worse then they are in relationship to sleep.