Day 210- Broken Human

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When I just let everything go within myself I experience myself in a state of suspension, where I feel like I'm moving around within myself and just hovering, my mind will be generally directive but will more often then not wander around a little more then I'd like, but I also feel a density a constriction in my internal movement.

So my most natural state of not directing anything within myself and just letting things play out the most fluid and natural way, feels very unnatural, feels very off.

If I focus on being directive, then I focus on breathing, but focusing on breathing becomes a very mental experience where I'm looking for my breathing and seeing it in my mind apposed to being aware of it on a physical level.

Trying to take everything within myself beyond just trying to be aware of breathing becomes a very strenuous effort, of trying to take everything I feel and everything that moves within me whatsoever and trying to direct myself in relationship to all of it all at once, inevitably falls apart because it's too complex and requires too much mental energy.

The opposite of trying to direct everything becomes trying to not direct anything, where I just let everything loose all parts of myself free to drift off unrestricted, where eventually something will come up that strikes a nerve and tenses me back up to a middle ground.

There's all of that and then everything in-between or an extension of those general experiences of me existing within my mind.

 So what about just breathing, feeling what I touch, feeling my heartbeat, my breathe, seeing what I need to do in my world, like homework or work, and doing it without anything coming up within me, what about to just have moment to sit where nothing is moving for even a moment, where I am just physically existing no more or less, beyond a doubt it's impossible from how I'm currently configured, I don't even have to be thinking, having pictures in my head, words in my head, I could sit in silence of those things, silent of emotions or feelings, and even then there's still a layer of movement within myself coming from something I'm not existing as for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself no natural state of being to fall back on where I cannot trust myself to be able to fall back on anything within myself where even my breathe is totally unreachable because of all my mental activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself no means of stopping all the separation and motion within myself and to move myself within reality instead of within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to mentally guide myself back to being here and breathing when to be here and breathing is to stop mentally doing anything so isn't really me moving myself back into action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up within myself as seeing how pointless things are from the perspective of my mind when this just means I need to stop my current mental configuration not that I'm failed as a living being, but failed as being a mental being in a psychical body forever limited through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it pointless to move myself back into living because something will trigger me, a thought, a word, a picture, an emotion, an experience, a personality, a perception, a personality, as I realize every time I move myself back to just being breathing and stopping my separation is me taking a stance in the world, so each time is me planting a seed which will one day grow a fruit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on moving myself back to living because I'll always fail because my mind will always get in the way until I have done enough specific and effective self forgiveness and correction application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize my failures to improve, where each time I move myself here the most directive I can be based on the self forgiveness and correction I've done and everything else I've established within my living can be a step closer to perfecting myself in living.

When and as I see myself giving up on trying to find a way to move myself physically in breathing, in living and expressing based on the physical with only limited and specific mental input for specific tasks and planning, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can't give up every time I fail, because I'm going to have to keep failing so I can keep trouble shooting everything that is become separated within my living, thusly, I commit myself to work with my separation and the things that take me out of being here as lessons to be learnt that allow me to improve and become more effective in my living.

So the fact that I'm self honest that if someone were to say I'll kill you if you can't sit and be unmoved for 1 minute, not just meditating, but no feelings, no emotions, just being a physical living existing thing no more or less for just 1 minute, I would fail for even one second, I'd have no way to even try if I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more and more methods of how to be here moving myself here unmoved except for who I am as the physical when the more methods I create the less effective they all seem to become, to the point that I've come back around full circle and might as well be as capable of being here unmoved by my mind since when I started to walk my process of coming to life 6 years ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit that all the techniques I create to be here and be still are only creating more movement and more separation from the actual action of just existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there simply isn't a mental technique to being here, because a mental technique is in the mind, and to be here is to not be participating in the mind of separation, so that only leaves self forgiveness, which to me at this point is being realized, and is totally acceptable, but still requires a lot of time and effort and perseverance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating one final ultimate technique as self movement as self forgiveness, where self forgiveness and self application is my only technique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self forgiveness being my only technique at being a living being not separated from life, because there are so many times and moments where I simply cannot stop what I'm doing to write and speak self forgiveness, and what about those moments?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all the moments I cannot account for in self forgiveness and correction because I fear just letting those moments play out on their own and if they stick with me all day then it's a good catch and I can write it out, and if it flickers out then it was just a thought and didn't have much of a punch.

What difference does it make when I'm not standing equal to an experience or thought or anything, wither I suppress it or let it play out, letting it play out at least I'm not putting even more energy and mental effort into creating more separation, and if I can't stop it for real, no point in putting any mental effort into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to stop my mind from the point of separation out of fear of letting the things I'm not standing equal to just play out because my mind goes to places that make me uncomfortable, unresolved memories, feelings, emotions, people, places, things which haunt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself within suppression within each moment because I fear being haunted by my mind.

When and as I see myself directing myself within suppression, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm suppressing myself because I fear being haunted by my mind, but I realize in letting my mind haunt me it's better then suppression, and allows me to see the consequences of my actions in real time, thusly, I commit myself to let my mind haunt me without responding with fear but instead letting my mind play out the things I'm not standing equal to, so I can see for myself what's standing in the way of me being here for real.