Day 219- 'This Time Will Be It!', Everytime.

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It's always this time.

This time is always it.

This time I'm going to get things right.

This time I'm going to commit.

This time I'm going to improve.

This time I won't look back.

Everytime.

Everytime to the point that 'this time will be it', becomes a redundant statement, it becomes meaningless, but I still believe it, even though I've forgiven myself in relationship to this point, but that doesn't matter too much because I can't depend on my memory of what I've forgiven, which is something I'm pretty good at, realizing results speak for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this moment right now, because in this very moment I'm very positive that this time will be it, the moment in my lifetime where I can get over the hump and grander the forward momentum I've been striving for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my positive feeling about this time being right despite all the times I've said that phrase within myself and failed thousands of times surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative emotion or dread, where I feel like I'm sure that this time will have flaws just like ever other time.

I have to remember how scared I get sometimes, how possessed by energy I get sometimes, because 'this is going to be the time', is such a good intended statement within myself, but why i make this statement so much within myself, is because of how scared I am that this won't be the time, and I'm going to get dragged through hell some way or another within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself this is going to be the time, because I want to believe I don't have to go to hell again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dragging myself through hell again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the word hell and everything attached to it within my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pray I won't have to relive hell within myself one more time, instead of actually doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that no matter what pace I push myself within self forgiveness, it will never be enough to prevent myself from having to drug myself through hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embrace bringing hell into my life through negligence because I've come to terms with that behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to my own terms of hell Everytime I say this time will be it, when there's not a chance in hell that this time is going to be the time I stop going to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to drag other's down into hell with me, when I'm going through hell as energy abuse enslavement, and say to myself, directed at others, 'go to hell', I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it's bad enough what I've done to myself, and that I don't need to invoke others to put themselves through the time trap that I'm in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a never-ending cycle of hell through energy abuse.

When and as I see myself saying this time will be it, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm invoking hell into my life, because there is no this time will be it, it either is or isn't, and if it isn't then there's unfortunately nothing that can be done, except self forgiveness, and then this time can be it, for real, thusly, I commit myself to ensure that all of my this times will be it for sure, and if it's not being proven to be for sure, I commit myself to address the misalignment before I run out of chances.

I fear running out of chances, because I just want to take it slow and easy and make mistakes and learn, and be chilled and cool and just God like in my consistency and self movement, but sometimes I have to go further then what is comfortable for me, and sometimes I rack up too much debt to take things slow within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I know I could have tried to make this time for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I know I could have tried harder and pushed myself harder somehow to have avoided consequences of failing and creating distrust within myself as being inconsistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just call myself the best, and tell myself I'm doing my best, and simply not do anything that would challenge this assumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time to pace myself through things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rushed into the next activity or event constantly, and thusly acting upon that experience of myself as making rushed and forced decisions and actions and movements within myself that I'm not comfortable with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my light at the end of the tunnel dimming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as complacent and weak for accepting a life without a light at the end, as a vacation, or a holiday, or a day off, or any amount of time to just retreat from the constant rush.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make this time the time for real, because what's the point, 'life is hell anyways'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up because things are difficult, not because I can't improve myself and the state of life, but because I can't do it on the terms I desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my desire for energy write the terms of how my life should go, when in reality energy as desire is just like all of the energy spectrum, where giving my life into how I desire things to be comes with regret, hate, happiness, fullfilledness, and the entire spectrum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving into my desires of how I'd like my process to be and how I'd like to walk through things on the terms of my mind as energy because I've got all the time in the world, as I realize having all the time in world is something that's been at play for long enough to start collapsing in on itself.

I can just go about things however because I've got all the time in the world.

If I had all the time in the world, why does 'this time will be it', have such urgency, such a ring to it, 'like, for real though', 'if this time isn't it, I know there'll be problems', 'but what can I do with the time I have'?

I could scream right now, just so I could remember, remember that I don't have all the time in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself to a damning standard because 'I have all the time in the world to get there'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself and my principles to an extreme standard, because I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically not want to set a high bar for myself so I won't fail, as I realize I keep failing even when I don't think there's a bar at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not manage my bar where I can set my high bar and my low bar for myself without judgement and actually work with the bars I've set with stability.

When and as I see myself being angry that I could have tried harder, I stop, I breathe, I realize no matter what bars I set for myself, there will be bars which are part of my programming, so sometimes it's better to take a step back, and look at what bars I've already installed within myself, before setting new goals and expectations for myself to work with, thusly, I commit myself to set my bars relative to the bars I've already have installed, as I realize it might seem like a very simple task is reasonable for me, but then when I look at the bar I already have based my entire existence around, I realize it's not so simple to change that kind of programmed self discipline and self expectations based on the past.

I want to end this right here, but instead I set a reasonable bar for myself by pushing myself a little harder, because I have some school work, and I want to get into my school work, but that's been a big source of conflict for me, I see the bar I could set for myself in relationship to school work, and how great it would be to achieve that bar, and then I see a little further, and I see how by the time I'm done with school work, it's off to work work, and then maybe a brief break in-between things, unless I'm really tired and then I fall back asleep, and it's this pattern, where sometimes I do things I wouldn't normally commend within myself because I grow desperate and fearful of this endless cycle, and how hard it is to claw my way out of.

I feel like I'm going to be broken one way or another, 'so why bother'.

Sometimes I make a light at the end of the tunnel for me, like watching my favorite show, or video. Then it's like I'm complete, I made it to the end, I can watch my favorite show, and don't need to have hardly anything on my mind.

Sometimes I go further then I thought possible, where I make the light as I go, the little moments of rest, of enjoyment, of intimacy, where I make the little things count, but that big reward, the break away from all of my problems, can't be forgotten until it's forgiven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a light at the end of the tunnel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a break from my problems where I can feel complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as incomplete until I reach a state of mind where my problems cease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cease my problems through avoiding my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cease my problems by not addressing my problems as being problems until they become consequences, more then just problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear addressing who would I be without my favorite show, or my favorite activity, or a little cheat like a smoke, or an extra soft drink or a little break from exercising just to make me feel something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a break from everything because i want to feel something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as periodic moments of feeling like 'I am something'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by periodic moments of 'I need something'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into desiring a break away from everything so that I can become what I feel like I need, as a break.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a break, because I am a break, because I'm broken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed into the idea that I'm broken when I desire and act upon needing a break from my consistency and fortitude.

When and as I see myself desiring to have a break from my problems, and to become what I desire as a good feeling of being free from problems, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've woven myself into a trap of thinking I need certain things that I actually do not need and defining myself by these needs which I don't actually need, thusly, i commit myself to redefine what I need as never needing a break, as I realize physically and mentally sometimes it's good to take a break, but that doesn't mean I need a break, and it doesn't mean I'm not limiting myself by taking a break, Thusly, I commit myself to keep pushing myself until I can do everything I actually need to do for myself and other's without ever taking a break 'because I feel like I need one', but instead because I actually need a break sometimes.