Day 224- Finally Relaxing a Little

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I'm in a very relaxed place in my life finally, after a lot of effort.

That doesn't mean it will stick or need to remain that way, but I've successfully worked out problems within myself that I've been working on for a very long time, successfully leveled some things out but maybe not complete just yet.

Definitely not complete yet.

Regardless, I have an opportunity to look into myself in a very potentially gratifying way.

I feel worn down.

I feel like I'm trying to carry a lot of dead weight.

I feel like I'm not pushing myself in a way that can fully support me.

I feel like I'm boxing in my true potential.

I know there's more I can walk out, I know it is what I must do, I don't have any questions or doubts or confusion, I just need to execute.

I need to define the expression I'm talking about better, if I had a way to draw it out would have helped.

It's when someone asks you how you feel.

Where do you look?

That's what I need to walk out.

I'm looking to the place I look to when someone asks me how I'm feeling.

The place where I look to for to ascertain how I'm feeling.

How do I feel? Tired.

What's beneath that?

Nervous about what I must face when I awake, so what am I doing. Trying to stay awake, fighting the feeling of being tired, to avoid tomorrow until a resolution is made for how I'll be facing tomorrow with what tools, with what state of energy.

If I had a direct say in all of this right now, right now I wouldn't be fighting the feeling of being tired, I wouldn't be tired, I wouldn't be nervous about tomorrow, i wouldn't doubt my abilities and my arsenal of tools to support myself.

Yet I want a smoke which is not one of the tools I normally utilize any more, I want to resolve how tied up I feel in this moment, but I don't want to face what's creating this stress.

I can get into the specifics of what I have to do tomorrow and what it all represents another time with myself.

For now I need to test something else to try in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly put pressure on myself to maintain how I feel then wonder why I always feel the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as feeling a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a certain feeling within myself that I define as what it takes to keep me going energetically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this as how I'm supposed to feel because of poorly designed and outlined physical pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put physical pressure on myself to feel a certain way at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the world without feeling a certain way within myself as what I identify as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as feeling a certain way and not being able to face the world if that feeling is not always upheld.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to damage my body trying to uphold a certain feeling that I feel I must always maintain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go the feeling of 'me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a feeling that must be kept up on and managed.

When and as I see myself fearing letting go of the constant feeling presence of myself, I stop, i breathe, I realize who I am does not require to be held up and maintained constantly, thusly, I commit myself to walk through and direct my relationship to the feeling of myself as the feeling over arching my every day which I define as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never resolve my sleepiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be sleepy on some level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be tired on some level because I'm always unresolved when resolving myself takes self forgiveness, and correction and application, being tired makes me not want to do any of that, so I am in an endless loop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being tired will resolve my issues because I remember waking up in the past and having suddenly the energy to face the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misconstrue this memory of waking up with energy to face the day, as I realize I was waking up with the energy to face the day, because i was willing to face the day, embracing whatever the day might bring, but now I don't want to face the day, yet still expect sleep to give me the energy when I'm not willing to face what I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect sleep to give me the energy to face the day when I'm not willing to face the day as what I must do, no matter how much energy I have.

When and as I see myself being tired, expecting tiredness to lead me to rest, and then rest leading me to renewal, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can not wake up re-newed because I'm not willing to face a new self with new challenges and a new day, thusly, I commit myself to move myself into a position where I'm always willing to face what I must do so that when I sleep the energy I receive will go to use and not be wasted wishing and regretting that things aren't different.

Things are vague in my writing lately, and the reason for that is things are vague within myself, and I don't want to dig into myself to solve these vague things within me, where if they're vague that's how I'll have to face them, until I can become more refined within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be vague within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress things and not let them become more defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a suppressed person, always looking for the reason why I am the way I am, not realizing how I learnt who I was and defined myself as such through memory and imprints.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting what's within me loose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how intense I experience myself and want to supress to tone things down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself in age as toning myself down within myself instead of forgiving my fear how intense it is to exist as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal and walk as the word intensity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my intensity of experience within myself would overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my quality of life if the intensity of being me ever broke me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of being myself in each moment as I realize my fear is dimming my potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the intensity of walking through things directly and specifically and with principle in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in believing I was above the word principled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret never forming principles as I realize now is the best time.

When and as I see myself fearing the intensity of walking through my life as me, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I walk with principle I have nothing to fear, thusly, I commit myself to face the intensity of being me by directing myself with principle in relationship to the intensity of being and walking as myself.