Day 245

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowi
ng my need within my mind to be recognized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing where to go to speak about this experience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate that my run cannot continue and that I have to find a way to forgive and correct and admit to myself that I intentionally feed into any attention and special worth I can get through other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I can keep going is if I'm special in some way and everything I do means something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate so much that I'm afraid I've taken things too far to come back from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself all alone in addressing my manipulation to make myself more then my actions and where I really stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go all in on manipulation because I left walking my process together and with self forgiveness for so long that I felt I had to compensate some how.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being strong enough to remove my crutch of ego and value to get ahead to where I believe I would have been if I hadn't given up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent I have to walk to forgive myself and trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the lines i crossed in manipulation will end me before I have a chance to forgive and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear it's too late for self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not wanting to accept how much I've diminished myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself before the truth where I just want to get past this without having to walk out the full extent I've taken self manipulation to convince myself of my worth and value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's knowing what I really am in my words and actions and letting me ride out without intervention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not intervene because I hoped that I could out run the consequences I've piled up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself I'm above consequences instead of living and forgive myself in relationship to the consequences of deceit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate myself being a high functioning deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give as id like to receive.

When and as I see myself trying to manipulate other's, I stop, I breathe, I realize all I'm doing is postponing me facing myself, thusly, I commit myself to look to myself first before trying to influence other's.

When and as I see myself acting on the desire to be special, i stop, I breathe, I realize in this moment in speaking aloud I cannot forget the truth of myself, thusly, I commit myself to support myself to walk myself out first and foremost before I can stand as a symbol that is not abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into relationships with women in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into relationships with women and manipulate to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave one girl for another and feel special and powerful in being able to be manipulative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a girlfriend for pride where I'm not proud or living pride in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek a girlfriend without considering all parties involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure about myself and carry that lacking I experience into my actions and words and definition of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I've done in terms of manipulation of women will prevent me from ever being trustworthy in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gain strength in being able to ruin my own chances at relationships with women through my behavior and enjoy the conflict I create within myself where I enjoy feeling bad for myself for my actions which I decided deliberately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in relationship to women when i get caught up in the experience of desire and do not want to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can manipulate in my secret mind and escape consequences of doing so.

When and as I see myself manipulating in relationship to women, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm lucky that I don't get very far with women as it is because I have a lot I need to take back to myself before I can actually create a relationship with someone I can be proud of, thusly, I commit myself to stop putting my relationship issues behind me by simply avoiding relationships, and to instead take relationships slowly so that I have the time to walk with the relationship and take everything back that is not standing.

When and as I see myself over thinking not being manipulative, I stop, I breathe, I realize I must live the word manipulative as avoiding expressing this word as myself as living this word as a reference for what not to do, thusly, I commit myself to live the word manipulation in all ways ij each breathe as a reference for what not to for what my lowest common denominator is and what to avoid at all costs.

In taking myself back from my relationship to manipulation over several months after facing consequences and realizing the extent that I'm still unresolved so moving into more action within self forgiveness, I remember how hard things are for me, I remember how difficult I've made things when I'm so busy trying to 'help' other people.

Self

To take things back to self

To speak for myself from myself

To look to myself before acting and speaking

That would help me, to realize I'm not in a position to help any more then to point in the direction where real help can be realized through desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand for self help by helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not help others by helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have time to help myself first as I realize trying to help others before I've helped myself as forgiven myself and walked myself is a waste of everyone's time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to boost myself up by martering myself in trying to help others without having walked the word help through me as helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm only trying to take things back to myself now because I've run into too many walls and created too much consequence neglecting myself and manipulating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that not walking things out to completion as myself but trying to get ahead through separation and manipulation is all I'll ever be able to know in my life time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my desperation to get out of my behavior pattern is only going to make things worse when I forget and decide to create consequences instead of figuring things out the right way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I'm trapped in being unable to draw the line with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the question when will I be in a position to support others not be something that I live and realize as one and equal but instead something that burns at me and leads me to take actions I know will cause harm to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I can ask questions through living words, where if I'm sound I'm sound, and if I'm not then I need to take back to myself without question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not always take back to myself through sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate sound so I cannot hear my own sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize I can answer all questions to ever existence by taking myself back to self as sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can escape sound and make a clean get away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the truth inherit in self as sound where my lies can be heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my foundation as learning through sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through my mind and not sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not sound myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate sound for always finding me as I find myself stuck here in my own sound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate the movement of sound for my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to twist myself in interest to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the pill as peeling myself away from what's not best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the hint of sounding things out for myself and living in action as sound resolution.

So,

When when and as I see myself not getting the picture, I stop, I breathe, I realize I'm going to be ok if I trust myself to live and act with sound as self, thusly, I commit myself to live sound as self as self trust.

I redefine sound as self.

I redefine self as sound.

I commit myself to live sound as self trust as doing what's best, as I realize if I can live the words what's best for life before I die and until I die then I can be trusted as sound.

So what's in my future?

Few true

Few torture

Viewing my own torture future

In my future there will be torture a touch to tour me throuh consequences.

Do I have any plans? To stand down and be weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this whole thing happen by standing down against myself and being weak when I'm not living the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word that I need when I need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my words with speaking doubts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my word by speaking hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my word by speaking cruelty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my words by speaking fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself with my word as crafting my word as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of the words in my head being equal and one with the words I speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear throwing my words away without considering.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my words being lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my word as my body as lousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word being overridden by personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my word just going no where.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fill my life with living words to cover the whole spectrum si I don't have to worry about falling away, but fan trust myself as living the word no matter what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away from the word world.

I'm so fucked because how will I live self forgiveness for the word?

How will I correct myself?

When and as I see myself fearing I cannot take on all my words at once, I stop, I breathe, I realize one way or another there will be a word, thusly, I commit myself to always take myself back to the word before anything else.

Personality comes before my words.

Hate comes before my words.

I don't give my word value.

I redefine word as value.

I redefine word as the diamond

I redefine word as the snake, as a snack for when I'm hungry, and as the snake as the tongue.

I redefine the word word as the jewel of creation.

I commit myself to live the word no matter what, without choice, as I'm making the one and only choice in this moment.