Day 249- will I take the next step?

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I'm at a wall right now, I'm suppose to write and do writing, but I think what if I just relax and listen to some music, to release, but that doesn't match my actual goal, because I'm not supposed to listen to any music right now I'm supposed to do writing.

I have a ton of stuff I'm supposed to write about, because all day I notice little or big things that I could write out to help myself through the day, and I can't get it all if I don't write it out with a significant amount of time.

A really intense moment of facing stuff, but even though im writing now, it's like I'm holding back, I don't want to dive in, and make that statement, I want to make a statement of half assing it, to say I'd rather be doing something else.

Then my plans for tomorrow, just seem even harder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized for not getting what I want and having to do something I don't want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to make myself take action while fighting against extreme desire to take inaction and fulfill my laziness and comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to judge myself for being proud of my plans for myself but not being able to act and move in that same pride that I experienced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel afraid of having to force myself into action against resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face the reality of my process I've been coming up on since I began, as the actual physical time application, as spending a significant time on writing and having to extremely cut back on my fun time to do the things I experience as fulfillment and happiness.

It's like the core of my entire process, to simply put in the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to get a rush out of postponing time and what I have to do, like 'fuck everything I can do what I want.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience joy being able to fulfill myself the way I want without anything to stop me, as I realize the point is to face myself, where there's no one to hold me accountable if I don't put the time into writing and walking through points in self forgiveness and correction, my life will just go to shit, or plateau, and plateauing where I am now will still be shit even though i'm better off then ever before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone as a symbol of me standing up for myself, when I'm standing up for my mind, and standing down for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear how easy it is to give into pitfalls like cutting time by doing something fun for just a few minutes then all of a sudden I'm so involved and happy with what I'm doing and then I forget about anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tempt myself by giving myself a taste of what I want and then suddenly I'm possessed through the very symbol of my action as trying to tempt myself where I already don't trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable because I can simply tell myself to screw off and choose consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking things to the next level so soon after already having pushed myself to the next level constantly and to no end since I started back up my process or self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overwhelming myself snf making a mistake by pushing things to the next level, when really what could go wrong? Me taking the actions of self forgiveness can only go right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that taking another big step within my process isn't pretty or fun or beautiful it's painful and disturbing.

The time I'm expecting of myself to put into working on myself and being involved with what other's are doing to learn from them for myself, seems unfathomable to me not too long ago, but day in and day out and now I can see myself making the decision to push myself even further then I ever have, but I can also see me standing down, because no one can make me do anything but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself any authority to act on what's best for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect my authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect my desires over my best intentions for myself.

One thing is, all it takes is that one time, to prove to myself what I'm capable of, and then I'll never forget it.

If I can match my expectations for myself tomorrow, then I can change everything for myself.

If I can continue to match my expectations of how much I want to commit myself to write and work on myself and do Desteni stuff and homework stuff, then I'm set for life so long as I continue to maintain and probably improve even more on that expectation of myself.

I don't care if I half ass it or do it poorly or am angry, if I can devote the time I have envisioned to school and homework and work and responsibility, then I'm done, there's nothing else to worry about for this chapter in my life.

When and as I see myself desiring to cave in yo the resistance to not fulfill my expectations of myself to any degree, I stop, I breathe, I realize that for me to become the person I'd like to be, I have to make this commitment to devote my time to practicality with very limited free time at some point, and the longer I wait the harder it gets, and I don't see it being as hard as I'm making it out to be, thus, I commit myself to put my full focus and action into making sure I am working towards fulfilling my goals within my time management regardless of if I fail or succeed tonight or tomorrow, but to make sure that I am always reaching and working toward my goal.

So that highlights something, yes I have succeeded to where I am by consistency, but there will always be the time and the point where I have to push myself over a bump, where I don't always have the luxury of having all the time to prepare and to get there slowly.

I see today and tomorrow as opportunity to make a big statement within myself and my life in really putting it to the books that not only is this what in doing, in self forgiveness and correction, but that it's the very center and soul of my entire existence.

Again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envision myself giving up as equal to how I envision myself succeeding in my time management and making a big stride in enforcing a new standard of time management for myself to devote more time to self improvement and thus becoming the person I'd like to be for myself and other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep the way I am so I don't spend enough time to really get to the bottom of things and can remain in the limited system I've created for myself through my mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that remaining half assed in only writing a limited amount of self forgiveness every day as humbling because I can humble myself before my day to day conscience and mental bull crap activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life as not being worth putting the effort into to improve and change, which is just insulting to me and my capacity as a living being one and equal who has a great opportunity if I can just create it for myself from what I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the life I have as not worth improving which just isn't correct at all, because all beings have to face themselves so I need to face this life that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in the work because I believe the work I have to do as harder then that of other's which is just a cherry picked made up comparison which isn't going to stand within me for more then a few moments, so is just a thought that I won't bother elaborating on so I can dive into more relevant stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge meeting my views for time management as being an ascending experience and movement in my life when that's just the opposite of wanting to give up and be complacent, it's going to be hard either way, but the way that's harder now pays off in the future, and the way that's easy only builds more debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give into excitement as I can see myself reaching for the person I'd like to be in my time management goals, but then in just this moment of experiencing the excitement and now putting it into words and letters here I can imagine again how the excitement won't carry over into the real world actions I have to take, so the little excitement glimmer I just had was enough to totally throw me off in my application.

When and as I see myself fearing about the moment when the time comes to make the decision tomorrow if I am going to wake up and work my butt off, or will I sleep in a little and work off my butt just a little, or will I sleep in late and dick around all day when there's things I'm suppose to do, I stop, I breathe, I realize in reality I can make any of these choices, but there's only one correct choice, thus, I commit myself to make the correct choice tomorrow, I commit myself to when I wake up from my alarm clock to get myself up on my feet where I can take the next step, I commit myself to once I'm on my feet tomorrow to look at the time, so see where I can start, to take a breather, but not a nap, and to take action until I'm done with my work.

That actually opened a point I remember is one of the little points I was suppose to think about, or write about I mean, and that's naps.

Naps are a killer.

Not Actual Purpose

it seems like naps give me purpose, that they have purpose, I'm in-between jobs? And i'm tired? Take a nap, all of a sudden, I'm passed out, it's time to go to my other job, and I feel absolutely dead, and miserable, and just existentially fucked up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control naps to get off through napping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time trying to control naps instead of just accepting that everything is fucked and naps are a trap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to turn naps into something important and useful when I don't have the time in my life right now to take the risk involved with playing around with naps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the chance to take naps if I commit myself to stop messing around and flirting with naps as this even better then sleep reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can practice with naps during my free time before I go to bed even though it might be a trap, it's actually to me more practical then the other ways I spend my free time, because it's very focused on relaxing and breathing and being with my body.

So, I realize I can instead of watching videos or whatever fun activity I do during my free time I can instead try to take a nap and see how long I can go without passing out, which is why naps are a trap, because It's not meditation or getting in touch with myself, every time I try to take a nap to relax and enjoy my body in rest, I find myself suddenly awake and having to go to work because my nap turned into full on sleep within moments of laying down without me even realizing it.

So the point is, if I wake up tomorrow and try to lay down and take a little nap, I need to understand this is compromise, because it's a big risk that I won't fall back asleep another several hours and then tomorrow and my plans are fucked in the water, so naps are me fucking myself in the ass, seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool around with naps when I have other things I need to do then gamble on a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bet my time on a nap, as betting a little relaxation and comfort at the risk of losing several hours of my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how easy it is to give into a nap when it feels so damn good to take a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to taking naps, because who would ever think that naps can be an addiction?

When and as I see myself wanting to take a nap when it's not my free time before bed where it's ok to go to sleep because I'm done with my work for the day, I stop, I breathe, I realize naps are not something I have even a little control over and are always going to be a risk, thus, I commit myself to only nap before I go to bed where there aren't any consequences if I fall asleep during my nap because I am already done with work for the day and am ready for bed.

That's one pitfall, but then there's one other important pitfall for tomorrow.

The other pitfall besides naps is cutting off the edge, not very unlike naps within it's resonance for me.

Cutting off the edge is like, going on facebook automatically and just scrolling through shit for any length of time, which is a double edged sword because there is desteni stuff on facebook but then there's just random posts and a lot of crap, so it's better to go on facebook with a direct purpose and to act accordingly so I don't suddenly find myself droning out scrowling through crap.

Then there' music, listening to just one song just maybe while I'm taking a walk, or to help me think, as nice as these two things might seem, they're temptations that I should not have to deal with to begin with.

Then a little more obvious is watching one video, for example hearthstone the card game I play, it's like I can watch one video and it might be 20 minutes long, and that's setting up my momentum for failure, like if I just spent 20 minutes watching this match or video of multiple matches, then why not an hour, then why not 2 hours, then why not just forget everything I'm setting forth right now and give up completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the slippery slope of watching just one video on youtube.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in just one video where when I'm not standing my ground and my principles then yes, why not just give up completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect how devastating it is to give in even just a little bit to compromise when I'm trying to actually make a sound in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize just like naps giving into just one video of hearthsone or anything entertainment and all of a sudden it's 2 hours later and I haven't taken action and now why even bother because I've already wasted so much time I might as well just go all in on abdicating what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself to a standard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as good enough to hold myself to a standard as every single other being in a position of power does to themselves so that those who have to hold themselves to a standard but have no power continue to get the shit end of the stick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of the messed up system of laziness and not becoming someone of worth by not holding to my standard of what I realize I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at a video without realizing I'm doing it as I realize if I can be so zombified to not even realize I'm watching a video then the very least is once I wake up from this unconsciousness possession that I can correct myself immidetely once I realize what's happened.

When and as I see myself wanting to watch just one video when it's not my free time before bed, I stop, I breathe, I realize it's time to start raising the bar of the standards I live by to support myself within my process, thus, I commit myself to not watch any entertainment videos or anything messing around on the internet until it's my free time before bed, I commit myself to think, to dream, to day dream before I give up physically, as I realize it's better to dream up or think up an idea for myself to take into the real world and live then it is to automatically act out my zombie program of immidetely wasting the time I have on earth with zero consideration for myself or what I'm doing, I commit myself to live the word consistent as I realize I will have to be very very consistent if I want to hold myself to this legendary epic standard of self management and time management I'm trying to hold myself to, but I also know there is one exception for this rule which is ironic but I get it and I know what it is, but I'm not at liberty to say.