Day 258- giving up

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It's very annoying when I can see the things I'd like to improve, I can see my mistakes, I can see what I'd like to do, but it becomes a burden because everyday I wake up and go to bed seeing all the things I need to change about myself, that I want to change in myself, where my problem are, and having to bare all that weight where I know to use self forgiveness as my best tool and I make time to use it whenever I can, but there's so much to work on, and I don't always use it as much as I should, but I keep improving pushing my schedule my time my patterns, doing self forgiveness quietly to myself at work, pushing myself regularly to build and maintain a schedule that always guarantee I make time for self forgiveness outside of work and outside of just doing it when I feel like it.

The pressure of facing down constantly everything I want to improve and forgive in speaking and writing self forgiveness makes me want to give up.

Where I judge myself for wasting my life having give up in the past, yet still haven't changed where I don't let myself give up, but things get rough, and I wish it was an option sometimes, but it isn't an option, so instead I fall, where instead of giving up I fall as low as I can, I push myself to the edge forcing me as close to giving up as wishing I didn't have to walk my process as I can.

I say self forgiveness for something and then relief of that point, only for another point to immediately arise to remind me just the severity of the situation I'm in where my mind is relentless in forming fear, anxiety, anguish for any reason and in any way possible.

It's good that I don't give up, because I'd rather fall then give up, but I could be broken still, I get hit with all this stuff from my mind and I just feel like I could break at any moment, where if I won't give up then what's left is to prove it, which makes me want to give up, having to prove to myself that I won't let myself be broken by myself by my mind.

When I don't have the words, when I just can't put it together even though it's staring right at me, it's so simple, but takes so much will power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear knowing that I can be broken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know I can be broken to the point that I cannot recover and that I cannot walk any more in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I carry too much weight that I cannot control everything I'm carrying that I can easily be caught off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of the same process every day where I'm up, I have control, and then something pops up in my mind to show me I'll never have control over my mind until I've walk out my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how slowly I improve where I know that the only change I can trust in myself is the slowest most minute change where the burden of constantly facing my mind is slowly alleviated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus my time and energy to stopping the constant conflict that comes with facing my mind as my problems constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to see through the burden of everything I carry on my mind where I know self forgiveness can fix my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing so much in my mind that I become numb and dazed unable to focus or specify my problems and what's going on, where I have to just trust myself to keep going to see what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my capacity to use the only tool I have can be broken where I lose my will, my focus, my strength and my words fall apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my burden being too great to speak to put into words where I don't know what's going on.

When and as I see myself fearing my mind coming up with problems and conflicts in any ways possible at any time at all and being over burdened up able to specify to take apart my problems, I stop, I breathe, I realize as long as I can still speak the words of self forgiveness and correction I am not broken, thus, I commit myself to when I see myself totally overwhelmed by anything and everything my mind is coming up with that I focus on speaking the words, where they don't have to be correct, or perfect, or make sense, when I'm losing my mind to everything occurring within me all I need is to keep going to take back my specificity my percecsion one word at a time.

I commit myself to remember that as long as I can still speak self forgiveness I'm not broken, that I can judge my words as being wrong or not making sense, but when I am trying to make an effort for myself that speaks for itself where I'm doing my best, from there I can improve my best.

Reflex

Reflux

Sometimes I get acid bile up in my throat that burns my throat, not rarely any more but I used to.

Reflex

Alert

It's hard to stay alert to be ready for anything, it's tiring, I stay alert with energy, where I'm not actually fully prepared for whatever.

I remember having fast reflex when I was younger.

Reflect

I would jump from person to person, keeping my reflexes alert, always ready for a new person, im still always ready for a new person, or an old person.

Things you just do, like reflex, no thinking, just quick nothing done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the reflex to be prepared for things where I want to pretend certain things won't happen, where the sun will always rise, so it's good to have a reflex to just wake up, just start the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared for things I know will happen where instead of being ready with reflex I suppress the things I know will occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no reflex when my mind comes with things I knew it would.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised when things I knew would happen catch me off guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I can't direct things when I act as if I'll never haven't deal with certain things when there's no way out of the mind every thought no matter what comes back until it's resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to lose my reflex where I've been lazy not preparing for things that could have been like reflex which I could have seen coming without having to think

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when something I wasn't prepared for comes up where all I've done is thinking and no preparation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dull my reflexes with thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared where I don't bother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be prepared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to not stay ready and alert like a cat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my reflexes dull where I act unconsciously and not directly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated I don't have good reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that my reflexes aren't good because I'm lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't act with the speed and precision I'd like to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my reflex where I don't get to the root of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I have to drag myself back to reflex as being flexible adaptable able to just act without carrying so much weight in regard to everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my life down by not doing things at a good pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I am dulled by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being ready for things to speed up because i have no reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed where something in my mind can get caught up like a net where I hold myself back for one point snd don't have the reflex to just let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the reflex ability to see when I'm progressing where I go slow and don't see change where there is change which I don't reflect on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I don't have the reflex to read a situation for what it really is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that i can see exactly how I've dulled my reflexes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I'm a slow person instead of a fast reflective person.

Reflexive reflective very similar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I do things I could do if I had better living of the word reflex but cannot do because I'm fat and not reflexive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things catch up to me where I don't reflect things as reflex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause turmoil in my life where I don't reflect and don't let myself use my reflex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be reflex because I see reflex as impulsive and mindless where I can be impulsive and mindless to a good way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize being reflexive and mindless to a good way for life.

When and as I see myself not being reflexive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I can be reflexive all the time to make up for how inflexible I've been, thus, I commit myself to be reflexive as much as possible to get to the bottom of why im not being reflexive so then I have something in my life to change things which I'll have to be reflexive.

I redefine reflex not as a robot running a program but me where I exist faster then my mind can catch, where something is thrown at me and I catch it without thinking without doubt I act I am reflex I live reflex the kind is not where my best reflex lies where I think and don't act and can't see myself as the actor.