Day 259- in retrospection

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There are lots of things in retrospect which I did not think through.

Thinking without direction as going over the same thing over and over is one thing, but sincerely just acting on impulse and instinct without any throught or foresight has been shockingly more of a problem for me then I have ever considered.

I do these things all the time any time in the day, where I remember developing the inclination to embrace impulse and instinct, without really questioning what I was accomplishing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret being selfish as acting on impulse speaking and acting on impulse without considering myself or other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and how I act without thought where I'm afraid of the problems I've made for myself by just exsisitng without any consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how reckless I've been to just act without thought moving on impulse where I took advantage of how stable of a home I had where I could do whatever and I knew it would never catch up to me, but it does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify acting reckless and on impulse day in and day out because I've never harmed anyone never got into hard drugs any more then trying something and then immediately ditching it where I justify atleast i never for myself into any real trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify how I've allowed myself to go mad within my mind and avtjons because it was just little things not trying in school, not working, not caring, not developing anything of myself, where I see the real consequences of my actions never happened because the problem was my inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret acting wild in my mind where I would dream, i would get lost in games and media, I would eat and be lazy, where that impulse as what drive my life was to not do anything, that I didn't develop anything of my life, where I never did anything to get into any trouble or create any real problems, but u never even really tried to rise above my impulse and create something great for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I would justify living on impulse not trying not thinking just getting lost in my mind totally preoccupied away from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to fear how I've justified my impulsive where I never made problems for real for myself or other's except on rare occasions, but that now I see the problem was never something outside of myself, the problem is within myself, within my mind as it has become and within my living within what it has become where I now I have to fight to develop dicipline, to work, to go to school, where I never throught to invest in anything long term, I invested moment to moment in my own mind and self gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret living and actinf on impulse where I never created a real character, real principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to believed that acting on impulse was stopping my mind where I didn't let my mind sway me I just acted where the impulse were from my mind, I was acting on my mind unconsciously.

When and as I see myself regretting hoe I've wasted my time acting unconsciously as impulse and instinct, I stop, I breathe, I realize in letting go of regret accepting my actions, I can see I learnt how it's easy to act in a way that shuts down the thoughts and surface kevek stiff to a degree, but that what I'm actually dealing with goes much deeper, and that I learnt this that I can see where my living went wrong ad being unconscious actions, alloes me to change, thus, when I see myself acting on impulse, I stop, I slow down, i make the decesion to direct myself instead of acting totally on impulse where I see that acting on impulse isn't going to stop the mind it's still feedinf the kind on a very deep level as unconscious, where I'm allowing my very words to feed more and more into my mind, my very actions, where instead of feeding impulse in my actions, I commit myself to see where I'm feeding impulse, and to instead feed myself as acting 'directly, as being the actor instead of acting out a script as a play, where in acting on impulse I didn't work, I didn't do good in school, I was just playing, living a character in a play.

The good thing I see, is that I choose to be impulsive because I thought I was stopping my mind, the good thing is that because I've always known it was a choice and that I was accepting that choice to be impulsive it allows an easier transition, I see why I made the choice I forgive I move on.

The problem physically is a certain kind of laziness, where I feel as though I'm being dragged to simply move, I feel weight in simple actions I moan and growl to move and act or deal with my own mind, where my actions have been so impulsive now that i don't have the energy to be as impulsive and instinctually as I did when I was younger, I now have to fight to yakr back my very movement my very breathe.

So regretting it doesn't change how it has gone so deep into my life that every breathe every thought, dream, action is weighed down by how I built myself, on impulse acting on my mind impulsively not thinking, totally vacant.

There's a reason I existed this way, I was very supressed, I was very pent up, I was very nervous with myself with other's, I was never comfortable, always on edge, with all these things, it gave way for me to just create something to deal with myself it's easier to interact with other's when you don't think you just do whatever is funny or fun, you don't rwally see how low you are when you're so caught up in the energy of the mind the energy you can create in your mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I've made such as mess of my mind that will take so long to correct where I see that to me I didn't have a choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for messing around and making such a fool of myself where I grew up desperate to find some kind of resolve to myself to my exsistance that it consumed me so much when I finally had the answer I needed the tools I needed, I was already in a lot deeper then I could have imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of how there were no real answers growing up, I had to make my own person, my own ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how lost I was where until I found Desteni I didn't have any way to exist which could alleviate the burden of just exsisitng with myself and everything moving within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to judge myself for beinf selfish for seeking outside of myself in friendships in dreams in my mind for resolution where I never knew to look inward I never thought to become something with the opprituinuty I have as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other's as equal to myself judgement where I judge other's for being selfish where I got the tools at a young age, I had a good stable home and even then I made a unbelievable mess out of what could have been a simpler life for myself of better quality.

When and as I see myself angry that I've made such a mess of myself, where I'm so lost in my mind of energy that it is hard to exsist, I stop, I breathe, I realize I needed the tools and guidance I have now from the very beginning where no amount of money or stability was enough to have taught me what was going on in the world and what I needed to do, thus, when I see myself angry at what things have come to, I commit myself to face what is holding me back from changing where I can see the time and dicipline i need to have to change, so then I must act on that time and consistency and dicipline until I can resolve things with myself. Where instead of being angry that this what I have come to, instead of look and see what is it I must do, what is it holding me back, it's painful and difficult as it is for anyone else, so just focus on what I can do.