Day 282- creating a unique mess

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How do I deal with everything moving within me?

How so I sort everything out within me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complicate my process by trying to do things my own way and leaving myself in a disposition compared to where I could be if I had done things the way i was supposed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand down from my process when faced with things I didn't want to face.

I forgive myself that i have acceoted and allowed myself to be angry that i didn't stick things out and left myself in a worse position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deside to take time off my process the way I'm supposed to planning to return where I took a planned vacation from my process for a few years testing out my own way where I wish I hadn't bothered because it didn't even compare to the real thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I've made things more complicated in taking time away from my process to try my own thing where I regret doing things my own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have my own special way of walking my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry I'm constantly reminded of my mistake in taking a vacation form the way I was supposed to do things where in every moment I experience the consequences of my mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give uo because ive failed to reach the utmost potential I could have been, and now have to settle for less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted snd allowed myself to refuse to embrace my process as it is now where I know how much better it could have been for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and aloowed myself to fear I've messed up too much and that things will be too hard for me to live up to now that I've wasted so much time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other's as a way to make myself look better where I don't want to face how I've lived down my opprituinuty to have walked my process straight through my life without hesitating and making mistakes which I hold against myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process as stupid now where I have to deal with the stupidest things that I do and create within myself where I could have walked with more grace if I had been more consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be embarrassed by how ridiculous my process is to Mr where I'd feel stupid if anyone knew the things I expierence myself needing to do self forgiveness for where I don't know if I'm making any sense and yet it to me is the most important things for me to do self forgiveness for like constantly dealing with all the movement I expierence within my mind like strings like I'm hallucinating constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysekf to be angry that I have to deal with things I can hardly explain or out into words where my mind is so obscure and nonsensical that I feel dumb trying to figure it out at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how my process would appear to other's as being ridiculous where to me it is every breathe s part of my exsistance which I have no break from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself to the process I hsve to walk where it doesn't matter what it appears to other's but that i know how much of it is to me that it's my reality every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accepting a lesser quality of life for myself where I fear I'll settle for just getting by each day despite the discomfort and suffering inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for suffering in ways that I can't out into words where it's not an emotion or feeling that I can describe but that I'm simply falling apart in my own mind and losing my abaility  to keep functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being broken by my own creation which I created in the absence of self forgiveness for several years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I created something so unique and special with in myself that I have no one I can relate it to and cannot remember the entirety of creating it where I just remember creating it every day what I defined as walking my process which in reality is only a burden and a harsh lesson which I would rather not have lived for all that time I could have done things correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having lost a part of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not out my full effort into trying to figure out my mental sabotage where I drag my feet in spite and judgement.

When and as I see myself dragging things out snf not getting to the core of the things im trying to walk, I stop, I breathe, I realize that dragging things out is how I got into my mental mess to begin with snf that it will only remain as bad as it is where my mind is insane until I stop dragging my feet snf dig into my process, thus, I commit myself to dig into my mind snf my process without shame or judgement where I don't hold back because this is 'stupid' or this 'isn't the right way to do things', I dig in because I have no way else buy through self forgiveness.

I commit myself to trust myself to keep pushing where no one has answers for what I have created within me but myself, and no one else has solution but me in my own words as self forgiveness until things are seen through.