Day 294- hunger for entertainment

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What's the most important point for me to face in preparation for tomorrow?

There's anger

Stress

Judgment

Fear

Specific realitionships to people places and things.

Different experiences, different habits, patterns.

I already figured it out while writing that it's keeping up my new schedule where I try to minimize entertainment to an hour, outside of things that are more productive hobbies or skills which can be entertaining, but I mean just goofy videos or video games.

It's something I thought would be way more of a struggle but I've been consistent the past couple of weeks at it, it allows me to get more self forgiveness done and hone other more productive skills then the skills of watching TV.

So I really need to mske sure I follow through tomorrow because I have a short day at work so will have lots of time to be annoyed that I want to do something more fun.

Self forgiveness is fun, but I define zoning out as more fun more appealing for some reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as lazy as enjoyed to be as least involved in my life or the lives of others as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my life be run by a made up defenition of myself that i like to sit around and do nothing when in reality I'm rewarded more and enjoy more actually participation in my life and doing something with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mysked within that moment of entertainment where in that moment of watching videos and playing games who am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as limit myself to liking to do nothing and lounge around outside of work without even being able to see who I am within this activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the stories I watch and listen to by other in videos or in games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by desires to live a fantasy where I view that within me as a real possibility, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself in tv, games, and videos where I believe I'm somewhere else that I've accomplished something in turning off everything about myself and being in a fantasy world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that I become just my mind when I'm watching my favorite show or game where all that exsist of me in the world in my reaction experience and feeling towards what I'm playing or watching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a split personality of immersion where in being safe in my home or room watching this game or video my mind is still running but in a way that I can live with, I can accept, I can accept my experience within a game or video or TV because it doesn't challenge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by being at peace with my mind and being unchallenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from the real challenges of myself and my life by using media to create a safe space for my mind to just run it's course unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to justify all the time I've wasted unwittingly creating an alternate reality of leave and love within me in media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even when really laying down the law within myself creating my purpose and dicipline to live out the rest of my life to still defends that 'it wasn't so bad was it?'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify that somehow deep down I accomplished anything creating all these fantastic distraction in games and videos where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing within me who could I have been if I had spent my time investing in my education, the world, in anything else at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the statement that media is abusive propaganda, or that is how I used it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions in spending so much time of my life on media where at least I can begin to snap out of it and become something in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others like these guys will never get it, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as being in a trance where I in my life have probably been more absorbed into media and game and fantasy more then anyone else maybe the top 1 percent of people who's lives have been nothing but games and media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for living a pathetic life accomplishing nothing but the ability to hide from reality in a supreme way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever go out and see people or do things when the nagging realization deep down that I'm alone entertained myself in media and games starts to become my defenition, where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only go out and try to prove that I can be cool and have friends just so I don't define myself as a complete loser, where I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being a dick and messing around with friends and doing drugs as better then just being alone playing games when I should have just stayed alone and played games and be nothing more then that then just makes friends to feel better about myself in accomplishing nothing.

When and as I see myself fearing that there is some great unresolved point that will come up making me want to give more time to games and media that I accept for one day, I stop, I breathe, I realize within this writing I can see there is no great hidden reaction or point but instead defenition and habit which I have to face, thus, I commit myself to when I see my mind creeping back into the personality of wanting to check out from reality and hide in games and media to slow down breathe and be firm with myself work with myself to change my patterns and within continuing to stand for my schedule to at the time face the resistance like how, 'that wasn't enough time to really have any fun, I need just another hour'

...

So then

a few things come up already in just taking a first jab at it.

'I need it'

'I didn't get off, it didn't tickle my fancy, I want more'

It really does seem like a hunger.

it's consuming, to consume media.

In media and entertainment I become consumed totally self absorbed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as pathetic for actually experiencing a hunger for media and entertainment where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate me feeling as though I'm being deprived by not having enough entertainment and amusement within videos and games and media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build this addiction to media where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry within this hunger like 'fuck it, why don't I just feed it, I'm starving to be entertained.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in within my anger like, I can't deal with this sensation of needing to watch tv or play games any more I need to go into that state of being again, I need to be 'whole'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a hole within myself that can never be filled where I can eat and fill my stomach for real but to fill that hole of needing some fulfillment in being entertainment and playing games is something I can't fill anymore then my mind energetically fills up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my desire for media and distraction sap my fire where I have my fire lit to take action to move myself to live my life but it'll never amount to watching my favorite show and just feeling satisfied completely within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not being able to be fulfilled outside of that moment of being immersed in a fantasy world totally excused from any real world concern or obligation.

When and as I see myself hungering for entertainment, I stop, I breathe, I realize this hunger is an addiction where entertainment is not real, it's not food, thus, I commit myself to in the moment of hungering for entertainment to look deeper into who I am within this moment, what is it that is missing from me being alone doing my writing or whatever it is that i'm doing which I experience myself as being incomplete for.