Day 298- still quitting cigarettes

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Am at that point like, what am I supposed to even say about this.

I have to figure something out, If I'm going to quit I have to stay at it.

I never thought about how much cigarettes had me, but I feel like I've been had.

Like I have to have one.

I've been had in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame cigarettes like I thought you were my friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed allowed myself to blame cigarettes for betraying me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself where I never thought about when will I have to actually take a stand and quit, I just kept digging in deeper and deeper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dig myself so deep that I just never thought about what it would take to quit I just saw I need this right now and I would take it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on impulse where I accept I need it and accept that I have no idea how to face actually stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that I dug my own grave with cigarettes and now I have to figure a way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate that I can see in this moment what I appear to be doing to myself in Smoking, I feel physically disempowered, like it takes more to do simple little things I feel uncomfortable and weak, angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can see what I'm doing to myself physically in this moment while smoking and I know that I don't care enough to be moved into action still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose energy of the high over what I physically feel is occuring as not being in my best interest at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can see how I'm damaging myself and it's not enough for me to just stop because in the moment of needing one the stress release trumps it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I can see my physical point of what cigarettes is doing to me and my body but that I also see how I'm complacent within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even be aware at how I'm complacent of the effects that smoking is having on my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent within smoking being a thing you do with other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent in how I've created relationships based around smoking with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to recover my body from this experience that I am seeing is associated with smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate what I've done to my body where in seeing within me that I need cigarettes I never looked and asked to my body what's going on within smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish I could take away this expierence of being physically clogged up in my flesh in my muscle in my all over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never cared about clogging my body up with smoke where, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive I was stronger then letting cigaretets ever catch up to me where it occured slowly over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how when this sensation that comes up after smoking goes away after long enough that I'll just want to smoke again and keep repeating this cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke as an action of giving up on being here in each breathe really facing things and seeing things through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke as a quick fix which actually drags things out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to deal with how I feel in relationship to cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear still not having the specefic words where I have the feeling keyed in of how cigarettes are affecting me physically and that opens up a lot of sepcefic things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear functioning and physically creating and exsisting as my body without a crutch to fall back on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relying on myself and my own body without cigarettes.

When and as I see myself fearing not being able to find within me what it will take to quit smoking, I stop, I breathe, I realize in this moment I can see what smoking is doing to me in having regularly brought the point up within self forgivness to get to this moment where I can see what it is physically and mentaly doing to me, thus, I commit myself to when I have calmed down and begin to get into my groove of needing a smoke, to slow down, breathe, and see into my body and what in my body is the need to smoke coming from that over powers all of the negative that I can see holding me back physically in relationship to smoking.