Day 350 - Friends

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cutting people out of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people taking it personally if I just want to be alone to focus on my life and writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad for desiring to abandon relationships with people to be alone to focus on what matters most for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret making friends out of self intrest for influence and stature to be cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the consquences of making friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself down through forming relationships that abuse and don't respect me thorugh my allowance of the relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret every friendship I've ever made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use friends as a game of image and ideas of who I am and others are bred through the friendships I've made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire friendships to feel cool and liked and accepted where I didn't give myself a higher purpose with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek friendships as a mean of surviving within my own ego and self value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created disgusting hateful friendships with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking myself up just to fall back on friendships again not willing to hold my ground and be clear on what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my friends take advantage of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I'm responsabile to be there as a friend for anyone outside of where I draw my lines of what I accept of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a stand against friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let abusive friendships drag out for years allowing friendship to become my worst most self destructive pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed for letting myself be taken advantage of and self destructed through friendships which I ultimately rarely ever actually cared for the people I've assossiated with individually only caring about who I am seen as by other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never learned every single time any friendship I've had fell through as if it never mattered or became a conflicted desolve of the friendship turning into the polarity as enemies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgraced by ever having made any friendships except for a handful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my life will ultimately be destroied through my patterns of friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dissolved friendships will be my undoing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my friends turning on me for taking a stand in creating higher standards for what I tolerate in a friendship or assossiation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather let my standard of what I allow of a friend to lessen rather then cut myself out of the relationship all together to play it safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reckeless in my allowance of relationshiops and friendships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the loss of integrity I've allowed through my participation in relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ruin my life in the outflows of my selfish relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of facing in the open my self intrest in terms of every friendship i've ever cultivated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry it's too late to just forgive myself where I've already created consquences through every single friend I've had through my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry I can't respect myself for having turned away from friendships and just having focused on actualizing my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to walk with the consquences of my friendships through the rest of my exsistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear it's too late to change who I am in relationship to friendships having dragged out the pattern so much thorugh my whole life being my worst self abusing pattern.

When and as I see myself fearing to take a real stand for what I accept and allow through friendships assossiations relationships, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I don't have to exsplain myself to ending any relationship except in my mind out of fear, thus, I commit myself to redefine my acceptance and allowance in friendships.

I commit myself to hold a higher standard of assossiating only with people willing to consistently walk process, or through a buisness or dating relationship, or through being related through family.

Day 349- Under the covers

Desteni.org

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drain myself out listening to this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I listened to this album of covers and didn't feel what I wanted to experience from listening to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get energetically pumped up listening to this album to propel me forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be moved deeply by this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad when I listened to this cover album and it didn't excite me like it had in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke cigarettes to get me more primed to be charged up upon listening to this song to put me in the right place to be moved listening to this album and have big expereinces to feel moved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated I can't move myself the way I've felt moved in the past listening to this cover album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get more cigarettes and go back to the spots I've been moved by this song before and to recreate the scenario where I had enjoyable expereinces listening to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about my relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supressing my desires to listen to this album and have expereinces to then find another energetic crutch to replace the addicitn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just give in to trying to be moved by this music again to not have to dig through my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how drained I am in relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate only being motivated to deal with my relationship to this album because i don't see myself being able to drain any more energy from listening to it consistently and reliably.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless in relationship to this album.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive this album is bad for it being something I use to manipulate myself with emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my relationship to this album is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take this situation and turn it into something good for me as something that supports me in my living and without leaving any need for the songs themselves energetically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel life is better when listeing to these songs when the life feeling better came from inside not from the songs but from the songs as inside a part of me as myself as the sound of the song.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the idea of life being uplifting and full of good expereinces as a being a deceptive idea that can't be actualized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my desires for life to be fun and joyful as being a deception and that life should be empty and cold and cruel calculating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the hope and belief of what life could be when I listen to this album and other songs too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my conceptions of what is possible in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this album as a crutch to make me feel the expereince all that I'd like life to be at all times ever exspanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my conceptions of what I'd like life to be instead of facing them directly and actually coming to real terms with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life can't be joyful and ever exspanding in enjoyment and pleasure of exsisting.

When and as I see myself desiring to relive the expereinces of joy and hopefulness of what life can be through this album, I stop, I breathe, I realize that whatever the truth of what can be for life is I have to face directly and will never truly come to terms with if I just keep brining out these feelings in this music but never face the underlying point of contention and conflict, thus, I commit myself to breathe to write out and face the points of hopefullness of what life could be which I see in these expereinces listening to this song and to accept whatever comes out in time of if something better sustainable as lifving experession could come out instead of needing to listen to this song to have this feeling and there being nothing else outside of that moment of listening as nothing to actually live express and sustain in a way that works and is healthy for life.