Day 411 - Death as an excuse

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine death in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death as a concept to dismiss everything I do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with the concept of death as a mind tool to ensure I can stretch everything out to the point of death and then fuck with myself and say well, I am going to die so why would it matter what I do or don't do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death as the ultimate excuse.

I forgive myself that  Ihave accepted and allowed myself to not consider the opposite where if I weren't do die and continue to exist after death but was in the same exact situation I am in now then death would be the opposite of an excuse but in fact become the greatest motivator to avoid the shame and suffering to being in the same position I was while alive but totally disempowered without a body to act physically with. 

I forgive myself that  Ihave accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by my mind presenting me ideas of death and dying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the point of death of which could come at any moment now or surprisingly later than expected as a constant potential here as me where I could simply cease entirely in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use death to control myself as using a fact of reality to control me as if it conflicts with everything else as if it represents something beyond me and beyond what I can handle and direct here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship the god of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat death as my god having total control over me in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the word death as death as I know it is only a word I am giving flesh to because I am not living death as who I am for real only in my mind as knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to know anything about death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define who I am as death as death in each moment as death when I sleep as death being a part of life in each moment not just something that occur once when the body loses all faculty. 

When and as I see myself imagining my own death and who I would be in each moment defined by who I would be at death, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am abusing life as projecting my mental idea of death onto life without realizing and living who I am as neither life nor death, thus, I commit myself to live my life to be here and real and take all high concept words like death or god and ground them in reality to get out of my fantasy imagination and live as a real being here. 

I commit myself to live to my fullest potential despite the possibility of dyeing at any moment.

I commit myself to do the best I can in this life no matter when I die.

I commit myself to aim to do as much as possible without even putting a limit to when I will die to plan ahead to live to be even 200 years old and still be continuing to move myself and apply myself.