Day 103- Redefining the Word Work

How can I do more within my relationship to work?

In redefining the word and forgiving the current definition I've created, I can give myself a broader way to address work in my life.

I can take any moment I find relating to work in any way at any time, having to do with anxieties before, during, or after work.

I can look at how I function within my relationship to people at work, and how I act differently at work then outside of work in terms of how I behave.

I've made my intention to try to write about work regularly, looking to improve my ability to not be anxious before or during work, to enjoy work, to stand in work as being one of the biggest obligations in my life to be responsible for myself.

Dealing with the word work itself, is to me, taking on everything pertaining to work, knowing how I'd like to stand in relationship to work, where I'd like to do my work there in the moment, and enjoy that without resistance, and thus come home to address the other responsibility and activities I spend my time on, where I don't want to feel like I must spend excessive amounts of time benging on media and entertainment, because I feel I can't handle going into work without some kind of entertainment as release to the constraint.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create work as a restrain on me physically, where this is my current definition based on how I grew up interpreting work as a sort of punishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare work to school where I hated school because I felt uninterested and like I was waiting my time there, so restrained from expressing and living the way I'd like to have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my definition of work become based on the idea of being restrained as I felt in school when I had never even opened up or addressed the specific things about school that made me feel that way, and thus, my relationship to work formed in the same way, without any understanding or insight, I accepted work to be defined by the fear and ideas I created without compromise.

I enjoy working much more than I did school, and it can be all the things I know it can be for me, my conviction to sticking it out, and trying to make it work, and that is a good platform, but I've been working with problems I've created through delusion and imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a definition of work that drags me down, when in reality I know work can me practical, and uplifting, and needed in all ways within the world, within my own world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let work be a place where I define myself as being stuck, where I'm stuck with all the problems I already have, and then have to face responsibility, and obligation without having the ability to sit down and address what had already been upsetting me prior to work.

What am I already realizing in assessing my entire definition of work as a word lived through me.

All the problems I have at work, aren't pertaining to the work and action and everything that really surround work, relationships, ect.

When I'm at work I can see that the problems I've made for myself aren't pertaining to reality.

Working is so real, so concise in how you interact with people, how you remain in motion/action, and when I'm in these moments I can see there is only blue skies, I can see how to live, not in the moment, but in action, in definition, in self movement and self empowerment.

You just act, breathe, live, accomplish.

I don't want to feel restricted by work, but I'm ok with working, be it regular writing, or job, or school, I have created and lived a restrictive definition for what?

Fear of not living a life free of work?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the desire of wanting to be free of work, when this desire was not based in reality or my best interest as life.

So, where specifically does this all occur?

This one word of restriction compounded onto the word work, can be occurring at anytime in relationship to the word work in anyway.

I've compounded many things onto the word work.

I want to stand in all of those moments changing and evolving who I am as what I live, as the words I live and express as myself.

What do I redefine work as?

Just the actions and responsibility themselves.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself living the word work as anything I can identify as not being me deciding to take the actions and plan my activities out pertaining to work in one motion, no resistance, no complications, as I realize as walking and evolving my new definition in real time, I then will be able to more corrective address moments of anxiety, resistance, or anything that spoils the definition I have given to myself.

Defining words vs defining more specific instances can be really good for me, because I can take and live my words in each breathe, expand and improve upon work, even when I'm not at work, or when I'm doing a task I would consider pertaining to the word work.

I have something to work on in each breathe, I give more definition and purpose to each breathe I take.

I tried for a long time to find that, power and self affirmation in each breathe, but with the new concept of redefining a word, that can encompass
each breathe, and each moment.

Day 102- My Cry For Help.

The day that had to come, and as many people close to me know this holds a lot of significance to me.

Outside of my work, and my writing, I have been trying to help people, saying it's what is best for all of life, (to myself).

Although I did not say that this to me put me in a superior position to other people, I can see that it did.

The most pressing thing I have done and need to publicly account for is offering people money to write on the forum.

Paying people to write self forgiveness.

Self forgiveness is to me a way of letting go of things I want to change or improve addressed in their specific design and nature as seeing how they were created and why, ultimately directing and being driven by creating a better world for all of life, which means for myself. I cannot just improve my own life, and not another's, I have to consider all of life equally, because life works with relationship.

For more info on what self forgiveness is check out Desteni.org

Obviously there's nothing illegal about paying someone to write but the internet is a place that can be affected by any government, and I do not know the laws of the place from where the forum is hosted, but I today, will not allow this to slide any longer, because I don't know that this is produce supportive results for people, I don't know that it's what the Desteni organization would like representing them, and I am seeing that what is going to be best for life, is to start with just one! Not 2! 1+1=2 0+1=1 meaning right now if I were to ask myself am I supporting myself as life to the best of my abilities, and do I think I'm in a position to help other's, I would say a resounding no.

Only one person did wrote a few things on the forum, but I had 1300 dollars invested among different people, all of which I will make sure understand they are under no obligation by me or anyone to do anything having to do with writing, but I clarified that the money has no obligation nor strings, and I spoke to the one person that did write a few things that it was not right of me to be doing so, and that he was under no financial obligation to write self forgiveness on the forum, why is it that this was wrong of me?

I say 'wrong', as objectively not in the best interest of life, compared to other decisions and things that I deliberately choose not to address.

1) I did not ask anyone if it was ok to pay someone to write self forgiveness for themselves on the forum, doing so without asking the people running the forum, shows how I was seeing my own self interest in being someone who does what is 'best for life', as if just because I thought that this would be a cool idea, and people would agree with it in retrospect if they found out would just be a minor fiasco when shown to the light, I did not ask, and me taking the authority to represent the forum or Desteni as a community, was something I'd like to publicly reconcile.

2) I should not be taking the authority of knowing what is best for life when I justify keeping a questionable transaction secret.

3) Although I have read the forum guidelines and tried to familiarize myself with them in the past, I did not go to even the lengths immediately available to me to me to both double check and seek out more information and reference on the forum.

4) I spoke to what I was doing with someone involved in the group who recommenced investigating what he could see as a clear misalignment in my behavior.

5) There was clear evidence of me being influenced to feel who knows, messiah complex, being a good person, being a martyr who would work hard to make money for a family as people writing self forgiveness with me, power of being a 'boss', and the other side of thinking people were bad for not taking my offer, which I thought was financially a great offer and well thought out.

6) It's a morally grey area, where you're not letting someone decide for themselves what they would like in their life in relationship to writing or self forgiveness when you place money in-between them, the king of manipulators on earth. It's taking away someone learning for themselves for real.

7) I don't know the laws of the country from which the server is hosted.

Reiterating why I did this, I wanted to make a name for myself, I wanted to be special as doing something edgy and cool that people would admire, it gave me purpose to try to help people by utilizing finances, I wanted to be a good person who did good things you know, be good get good, but it was not that simple, so for now and the future, here's some reference to what trying to be a 'good guy' is like, it stinks, I put effort into helping other people, but I did not know what I was doing, and I neglected myself in the process, I stood for manipulating other's with your power to not have to take real responsibility.

I thought it would be cool to have my own gang of people writing self forgiveness like a club where people get together, and I thought that's what I was going to do, I thought I was setting the rest of my life up for success, all my hard work at my job saving my money, and realizing I have money, what do I want to do with it, I want to do what's best for life like I heard about, to be cherished and respected.

Where am I after all of this? I'm so tired it's not even a choice, I didn't have to choose to stop paying people and cut off the financial obligations, I ruined myself, and now my gift is to clean up my mess and call it even.

May anyone interested in more personal insight about my experiences with helping people in basically ego empowerment as self interest plays out, and why communicating and taking care of yourself first seems like a cool idea.

OK! That's what self forgiveness is, that's why I thought it would be a good idea to pay people to write on the forum in immediate loans which put pressure on people to feel pressured as if they already have the money/deal so they have to write, and that's why I must publicly announce and denounce my behavior! That is me having purpose, having responsibility, doing what's best for life, it is not a competition, and what's best should be decided and walked together not in secret driven by motives that could have instantly been recognized as selfish! By talking and communicating and asking questions and mutually respecting all of life. So yes I see that I had good intentions and thought it would be cool to make a name for myself, to be noticed, but that's the thing. This was not me unconditionally doing what is best for life, this was motivated by me thinking I know better, that I am better, trying to prove myself, asserting myself where I knew I was not capable or even given that privilege by anyone but myself to begin with.

Truth is, if I look at my life now and the way I treat life through myself, I lied to the people I apparently wanted to help, I told them they would be helping themselves, I was helping my sense of ego, which is for me to address for myself, and not to involve other's in my complex.

Ok...

That's all specifically concerning that matter!

Me

Time for the fun time!

A real time party for everyone!

In recognizing I'm just a person who has made too many problems for myself to reasonably live my life without utilizing the tools I have learnt from Desteni for self support to help with anything! To accomplish anything! To make a world that is actually inhabitable for all generations to ever come, at the rate we're at as a whole, (which I can even see in myself!) Yeah I can look at the news, I can look any where in the media and see, this doesn't add up the way I'd like it too! I can even simply look at myself, at my own thoughts and behavior and everything I can see, and I can say, none of this is right, simple, and me personally discovering the tools to fix what's wrong with the world, as fixing what's wrong with myself, as one equal part.

That's what I can say!

That's what I can share to the world!

I found a free forum site, free blogs, free vlogs, free videos, mind blowing information, support, and the ability to change myself into a better person, without changing who I am as a living being.

That as of right now I can do, although personal responsibility being crucial, I need to make sure I'm sharing genuinely and unconditionally because sharing Desteni.org with someone else for the first time, is sharing it with myself for the first time, all over again, and that's an even better deal than the one I concocted.

That's what you can do, that's my gift to myself, there is a challenge to it, 'well this is a cult', 'this is weird', 'this is crazy'

That can sting, like why am I doing this, this person raises some good points, that's the gift of sharing, is receiving, another perspective to have fun with and test out.

Party time for real now,

Who am I now starting fresh, for myself?

I want to focus on myself!

I am going to work on that! I commit myself to work and focus on myself, as the one being I'm responsible for, and to address my relationship to being just one being directing one being.

First thing I want to address is not the trying to 'help' people part, it's the attention.

Wanting to be special, be noticed, be recognized and given attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself as worth giving attention to, as recognizing what I need and what I am capable of and acting on that through execution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed as cool and different, as a trail blazer in the way and extent I tried to help other's.

What is cool?

Recognizable?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other's as being boring but me as being interesting for doing things differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaken myself by needing the attention and affection of other's as to tell me who I am, and what I'm worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do acts that would define me as good, and cool, and worthy, when I was not living as what my actions implied for real, so therefore all I was, was my real intention's which weren't cool, or good, or worthy of anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting attention, where I know I'd rather and be satisfied fulfilling myself, as recognizing myself, but allow myself to get caught up in both the desire of popularity and affinity, as well as the fear of it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the length something I judged as insignificant will really go, where I just justify my desire and fear of being recognized as something or someone through my direct actions, and tell myself that it's no big deal, when it has influenced me to make bold and regrettable gestures that I only ever regretted my entire life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring my friends down with me, when I try to tell them about my problems and everything about me, where I want to be recognized, and am only talking about problems and things I know full well how to address in self honesty and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how I'm noticed by other's will define me as not being boring and not worth much.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I act on being special and noticed from my mind, but I understand that who I am does not require to be above or below anyone, and could simply gain from everyone and everything no matter there current state of mind or expression.

So that's something about helping other's, you can seem special, and recognized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help other's to seem special and feel recognized when I should be helping myself and all of life for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as being fearless, to seem fearless and powerful, when I do so compensating for how I don't want people to see my fear, so it has nothing to do with seeming like anything, I want to simply address my fear and actually be fearless, not to seem fearless.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself acting in any way that is based on the desire for attention, as I realize this as needing attention in the places I do not give to myself, which I realize cannot be gained through other's, and the involvement of other's only further's the complex, so in these moments to soften the blow, I will look at myself and my actions and ask myself what they represent so I can start to draw the line of how interactions should go, give and take, not me wanting to be fulfilled outside of myself as energy.

I commit myself to address the things that I don't want people to see in me, as not special, and normal, average or bad, ugly or problematic, so I can come to terms with these things as well, and realize as scary as it sounds I don't know how anyone actually perceives me, so I must come to grips with the information I have through how I view myself and other's, to give me things to work with in self forgiveness and interaction in my world.

Loaning large amounts of money, sometimes at interest for my favor, sometimes no interest just another so called 'good act'. Helping people financially.

Helping house people, I tried to take on 3 different people into my old place, problem being it wasn't even my place, and I should not have invited people to stay somewhere as if I was the one accommodating.

Telling people about Desteni recommending it, like I thought introducing people to Desteni was my responsibility, my obligation, it just put me in awkward situations where I felt pressured to talk about Deteni when I was not necessarily interested in comfortable doing so.

Taking people places in my car, if I didn't want to give someone a ride I never had to.

Simple acts of trying to be nice and respectful and listen, which I was not consistent at to begin with, sometimes just being rude or stubborn.

All of these things have a double edged

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as good for doing these things for other's, when sometimes they put me in situations I'm not comfortable with, and thus it's the 'greater good'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest with myself when I do things just because I think they're good things, because I will than be a special Jesus Christ figure who suffers for other's, when I don't know anything about Jesus Christ if real, and many people have emulated Jesus Christ through Christianity, and the results aren't adding up fast or efficient enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I've been possessed, where I feel overwhelmed with terror of myself, when and as I have seen that I was in-fact possessed to help people, to feel the part of me that believed doing good is being good.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to torture myself in the name of doing good, as the name of god, as Jesus dying on the cross, is not representing what's best for life, because it is coming from my own perspective which cannot see life, and can only see martyrdom as a way out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate life when I try to help believing it's my way out, when I'm not considering all of life, and hate life, and just want an out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise my behavior from myself, by strategically spending my time on activities that would keep me constantly distracted, so even when I was writing, I was already onto the next activity, as I am now, in my mind thinking about other activities that don't need an address just yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for hiding how I hurt myself through trying to help, when I could have simply addressed this many times over, simply found what I justified as a good reason not to, a good reason to ignore a real problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how I have spent time distraught, and in pain, and thought that it was acceptable to treat myself that way, when I would not treat another that way, and I would not ask another to sacrifice themselves, yet I would, as indicated by what I do to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sacrificing myself to doing what's good and living a good life, is not 'good', it's a misalignment, you give up on yourself and what's best for you as life while simply recognizing other's as equal in value, meaning to sacrifice one, is to sacrifice all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am a sinner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a sinner so quickly, when I've just seen myself as a savior not a few hours ago, so the evidence of what's going on as fabrication is clear, but I'm letting myself be triggered because I can't help it.

Help it.

I cannot help it.

I cannot help who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say and think I cannot help myself, far more times than I've tried to help anyone in anyway, and still didn't get the picture.

I used Desteni, and abused the name and reputation of Desteni, to fulfill my desire of being a messiah, where I knew I harbored this complex which I knew was not what would be best for life, but found a way to justify it through self deception.

It's become compulsive, so, when and as I see myself harboring the impulse to help other's doing the activities as believing they are good and beneficial to other's, I commit myself to stop, breathe, and ask myself, do I believe that this is really what's best for all of life together as a group, or am I seeking to fulfill a sense of self gratification playing behind the sense, and in asking this question, give myself as much time as I can to be still, to not act compulsively, because even if I was doing what was best for life all the times I tried to 'help', compulsive actions aren't being delegated, they're due to restraint from restriction, from repercussion, I don't want to be bad, I want to be good, I have the tools to be good for real, and I try to screw them up!

This is a crazy party! This is fun, I tried, and I was wrong, and I forgave, so I can see how I'm still judging in the word wrong, what's wrong with trying to do what's best and learning as you go? What's wrong with hurting yourself and justifying it because you believe it will help other's, where you put your attention on other's, and miss the point, as missing yourself.

That makes for one crazy party!

ups and downs, that makes a party!

Sometimes I'm good sometimes I'm bad, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disguise myself in everything I do, instead of just coming to terms with what I have done in my life, and how I have created a relationship to what is done, as the past, and restrict the future, out of fear of dying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in being honest about what I've done and what I learned and what I forgave and what I'm going though, does not change the fact that I am still not at terms with me being the one who creates my experience, and me being alone to address the world, not as a feeling, but as what I can see from my perspective as right or wrong and correcting it.

Why does this all make me end up feeling upset?

I'm struggling with this point, because I fear and regret how much it opens, where I have to make another choice.

I'm seeing how I can deliberately deceive myself, without question, and with justification, and where this has placed me as alone in the clouds above the world, or beneath the ground with no worth to anyone, and I spread this indirectly yet, requiring just a little self honesty to discover, and so I'm scared of what I've done to other's.

But the point was what I've done for and as myself as equal to other's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe entities outside of myself can punish me, because I don't even listen to my own voice, and I resent my existence, because it's not beautiful, like the christ doing good acts and suffering for other's, why? Because other's sinned, he sinned in hurting himself and calling that the greatest act.

This is not my greatest act, this is my weakest hour, and all the mathematics add up to me, not being what's best for life as myself, this is like a last ditch chance to make amends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am required to make amends with other's in the same way the world is required to function on money when that's just a collectively brought about choice, that monopolized, and then it wasn't a fair choice, if democracy has ever really been implemented.

I commit myself to settle here, recognize that I've come to terms with certain things, and can now move on to make more mistakes and learn more and implement more, so I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself fearing what I'm creating as the world in doing 'good', and realize I'm just gambling with my life, and if I can see and live with dignity as a conscience being, I should have already realized I should not gamble my life for a chance at winning, I should not treat myself the ways I would not treat other's in life and vice versa. So in this moment of stopping when I fear the world I'm creating as doing good, I will just commit myself to find a way to create a good world for all of life while I'm still here, that'd be brave, if there are boggy men, or ghosts, or aliens, or what is what and who is who, I can stand for what I conscienceless understand as life being a resource, a resource that I am, and a resource that can self multiply, and if I just be patient and don't start thinking in fantasies, and I can find a way to live and interact that is fair and just to all in all ways, and I can forgive and change what I will not accept or agree with for all of life, and I can see things in a way that allows me to maintain myself in the face of the separation I've created as past, present, future, me, you, them, All for one, one for all, and nothing for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emulate Bernard Poolman, for myself, when I need to take care of myself, life is dying, and I don't know who I am so that griefs me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grieved by not being able to see my own face, which is to have control over what I look and appear to be to other's, when to me I'm nothing, so what else could I be?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naive when I wanted to be like Bernard Pool man in doing good things, and being intense and meaningful, when I help people, and justify it, because I decide having a purpose is justified over living one, so mimicking is tolerable over realizing, expressing, and sharing equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret dragging a dead mans name into my personal conflict vendetta, where I blame myself, so I blame everyone else, but justify it as being good because I did what I thought B would do, a man I did not know 1/10,000ths that other people did, yet I thrive off of him as some personal spirit animal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate me, for not being the person who I believe would know what to do.

I commit myself to stretch, and shrink, who I am and what I think, and what I do and don't do, just to gain an understanding of the meaninglessness of it, outside of what is given and taken by the natural resource of life.

I commit myself to redefine natural resources, to find a place in my crazy head sphere that I've implemented because I'm not happy, with ways to think about and observe the word natural resource in my world and environment so I can come to terms with redefining how I see and live the word as and through self forgiveness as realignment to what I realize as best for myself as life, e e e e e e equal.

I commit myself to redefine the word sex, as a word I associate with this fiasco, as seeing how I embrace celebecy as an option, stated in my past blog, when I would give up on women as another sacrifice, when in reality I know that it was no sacrifice, I'm always on dating sites, and trying to talk to girls, which get me going! It's fun to just talk to girls, and if they liked me, as the poet inside of me says, 'I would have absolutely no clue or care of what to do if I caught one'. So, sex, and can sex be in the mind, and can it be in a feeling, and what do you do if you aren't comfortable with the sexual feelings you have. In redefining the word, I can establish these things for myself, and won't have to make brash decisions like celibacy which I do not actually stand for or represent, I'm just feeding off all the different angles that work in my self interest, the triangle, 3 points, which one wins? You can stretch them out as long as you'd like, they're part of one shape, consciences, and I should not be scaring myself, I am going to be more firm with myself, I will redefine this word which I have created physical turmoil around, to realize what I did, and why I did it, and how I can change it for real, and live and apply something I know I'm already excited for.

Excitement is a good word, even while writing this blog, I was excited to jump into such a long serious me here giving er a go at a serious issue that needed serious attention, and I realize I don't want to be excited to do something important when lives are at stake! All this helping stuff that seemed to help some people sometimes, put other people at risk at other times, there's no art or craft or perfection to it, it just needs to first be toned down in this blog, but then addressed and approached more throughout over time and through self forgiveness and my ability to see what my world is and left the weight that is uncalled on. I commit myself to investigate the word excitement and realize when it occurs in relationship to certain activities how it influences my ability to best function. My ability to see what's really going on, just like the excitement and freedom and enjoyment of sex with a man and a women, and all of sudden that excitement is fear, there was compulsive behavior based on fear of dying unforgiven. unsexxed, un/not worth something for not having sex, that's the excitement to escape reality, then the kid, is a real thing. Then what have I done, what have I done, what have you done, you did this, because I fear that I played a role, no matter how big or small, so that's excitement as it stands, I commit myself to investigate the regret after excitement once faced with the more pressing reality of matters, and how excitement was never even what it appeared to be, and there was a specific reason that it appeared to be the way it was, to influence people over time, and generations, because that was accepted, excitement is easy, feeling good is great, love is god, but a child is not easy, being a parent will not feel good, and man is god and god has a great wrath that flows both ways.

That's my mistake, where it came from, why it was a mistake, how I realized and forgave what was able to be isolated in this one sitting, and of course, how I will live the change the living word, as I address some words to play with in the coming trials and tribulations.

One more thing is under my skin, that played more of a role in this than I gave credit initially, wanting to be Bernard Poolman, finding ways to feel and act and emulate him.

The he is superior for what he created, means I'm less for not having created, I wanted to stand and rise and be the things I saw occurring in another, but not in myself

I can see myself comparing myself to him, in ways that don't even make sense, I'm Matt, I don't know what Matt is physically very well, and fight with him and make his life impossible, but we're getting somewhere, there is a horizon, a world to explore never explored before, and it's not the hollow earth, or the flat earth, or the sun, or space, or the sea, It's Matt a living being giving himself what he needs as a being that messed itself up, but is growing aware of the greater repercussions of messing one up, and how fast that adds up.

So helping other's has left me totally totally unable to do anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto Bernard Poolman as an idol that represented what I wanted in myself, when my body is my idol and if I treat him the way I treat myself, I'd be in jail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize the common words structured as tools of reasserting oneself as the living word and everything in-between and making a better being, yet acting like Bernard Poolman is me writing to help myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leech onto the idea of a man separate from me to save me, as 'I saved other's', when I'm a human directing myself one and equal, I've made my own exsistance.

Let's mix the sands here,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a weak body, where I see myself as punished with an enadequette body, that is not strong, handsome, or competent enough to make me through the day and do the tasks I'm required of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my body to that of Bernard Poolman, I knew him from his voice, and speaking to him one time, I don't know his body or what it is to inhabit his body, I know what it is to inhabit my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not fix all these dang things that's needing fixin, because I'm not in a body that is willing and comfortable with the task at hand.

I commit myself to embody the body that's got to sort this all out, because I'm a body, flesh and blood in action as one part, but I have a mind to help me navigate, and I am conscience of what is going on because of the relationship between the two.

So, I can write all of that and not feel up to facing the day, or I could just be the body that bumped itself up, to the level it clearly requires in all situations at all time.

I commit myself to set everything I've ever written here or ever aside, when it it time to go out and into the world and live, and I commit myself to harvest the energy through whatever good eating, and exercising and sleeping and medication is required internally or physically.

I commit myself to get hella excited to go make some skrilla, knowing I'll regret the feeling of excitement when I come down, and knowing also that if I don't try to find a way to spend the money I earn in a way that is best for all of life soon, It's going to become all about selfishness again, without me even realizing.

Day 101- Prepared

Yesterday I decided to write about preparedness for today.

One example is if I have something on my mind before work and I don't resolve it, I'll have that thing on my mind all day at work, because I'm too busy to address it in any practical way.

Another is when I'm at work and something triggers me and in the same way I am now bothered by whatever I allowed myself to be triggered by, and then if I don't write it out I risk it occurring again.

I want to bridge the gap between when I'm at work am having a bad time, and just want to get done with work, with when I get home and just want to shake it all off and forget about my problems at work, just to go back to work with the same problems.

I think some of this has to do with my procrastinating character.

Where if I don't feel like doing something I will have energetic resistance to doing a certain thing, so then will wait till the last second or try to weasel my way out of the situation.

I forgibe myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value preparation in my life, to avoid repeating the same pitfalls.

When I was a kid I didn't have to prepare for anything I was supported and prepared for by my family.

I feel like that part of me didn't grow up yet. I find myself still expecting things in my life to just come together on their own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live in the past where my life was prepared and scheduled by my parents and the government where my only responsibility was to go to the bus stop and go to school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as immature as not having matured as realized certain responsibilities for myself coming into adulthood, when all I need is to self honestly introspect as taking an inventory of all my new obligations and responsibilities and learn how to manage them without the perpetuating of the idea that I'm not competent enough to take on the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incompetent.

It just sounds so hanass, so hateful, like, I haven't really given a reason to see myself as unable to rise to the occasion, to learn, to adapt, to take on responsibility, so why do I see myself in that light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the idea of me being incompetent when I repeat the same mistakes again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put so much pressure on myself to vanguish all mistakes to create some kind of perfection in my life without mistakes.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize if being incompetent means making mistakes, than that's a flawed detention, out of spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of my mistakes of me for making them, instead of just being patient and walking with myself not to prevent mistakes from ever happening but to support myself in stopping the ones that I can learn from and improve upon.

That seems much more palpable.

I can move myself to a better stance within my world, but when I go to work unprepared for certain interactions and ble the other person for doing what I expected them to do and triggering myself the way I already knew I would, this seems lack luster in terms of self honesty.

To start, I need to prepare to be pissed off.

I need to prepare to have bad thoughts.

I need to prepare to be annoyed and argumentive and anger prone.

I need to be prepared to just be a jerk or a jack ass or crude or inconsiderate.

Because I'm not better than these things, I know these things will happen, I want to be prepared, not evasive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be prepared to face bad thoughts and hate and spite and ego, because I think I can be better than those things by stopping them within my mind.

That brings me back to living change and energy change.

I want to change these things for real, but in self honesty I know that this will not happen all at once, I must be prepared for what is already set in place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my bad characteristics only to be surprised when they return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surprised when I see something bad such as deliberate backchat towards someone out of spite, when if I had been self honest and paying attention to my paaterns and characters, I would have predicted it, and would not have been surprised at all.

I would have been prepared.

Preparing for what I know will happen can lighten the blow.

I don't go out much, I just go to work mostly, and I was planning to take 1 or 2 college courses on top of my work load.

So with just school and college and writting and a few other responsabilites like starting to work out or eat better maybe do some reading, that really really puts me in a place of suchstability it should not be that hard to be prepared for the girth of what I will face on an average day.

There are always curveballs, but even then in living the word prepared in itself is enough to cover everything.

So what else about being a kid and feeling inept.

I feel inept when I see myself as unprepared, so why don't I just be prepared? Because I see myself as inept.

It's an endless cycle, I need to just get up and get ready, to just prepare and then execute.

The judgement really tangles things up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept because I do not properly prepare and execute activities and obligations in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept and in response do not properly prepare or plan and thus execute things in my life, because 'why should I'? 'That is not who I am.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the character of being inepet when I procrastinate and do not prepare, because I do not feel like rising to the occasion, and thus preparing, and then executing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a spontaneous character because in spontimuity you don't have to prepare or feel like doing something.

I would see that pushing through resistance of not feeling like doing something but having prepared and planned and then executing it regardless of resistance is better than just spontaneously doing things without rhyme or reason.

Times to be spontaneous and times to plan prepare and be responsible.

Like setting an alarm clock before you go to bed.

The other day, I don't remember if I just hit snooze on my alarm clock or forgot to set it, but I remember walking up through my own volition randomly looking at the time, with 15 minutes to get up and go to work.

In that case because I am good at being spontaneous I got up dressed and ran to my car, not very hygenic way to start the day, but I made it one time.

Point being, I couldn't imagine being able to rely on waking up at the right time for work based on some internal clock, I need my alarm clock to be set.

Reliability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray my self trust when I jump into a situation make the same mistakes, and then do not prepare better for next time nor make amends or adjustments.

That just feeds into my thinking.

I have to think to prepare instead of actually prepare because I have already established I'm just winging my way through life on a whim.

Finding Desteni randomly, my jobs all walk ins into very nice plush jobs, my friends just people I stubbled upon.

There was a quote I remember that I took to gut, I say that instead of taken to heart just for fun.

I took to gut the quote, it goes something like, "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"

I identify as an excessively lucky person.

I don't even have all the things I want, but I just have so much going for me, I consider myself very lucky in that regard.

Which is the other side of the coin, where I say I do not prepare, but in what parts of my life do I prepare for?

If there is no luck only preparation and opportunity, and I see myself as lucky.

I have either a lot of opportunities, being middle class white in America they say nets you opprituinuty, I would say I has more to do with the moula.

Or I either am very very prepared and just call myself lucky, because I'm under appreciating myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to fate to see how things turned out for me the way they did, instead of looking to myself and asking myself in what ways have I prepared myself for this, what role did I play in what is happened in my life, how can I prepare down the line, by looking to the past.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not preparing adequately for something that will bring strife and struggle into my life, and in that moment of seeing what is to come or may come, ask myself do I want this to be harder than it has to be, and if so why do I tolerate such insolence.

That's an intense word, but that's how it feels sometimes, I just wish not as much recently but for example in the past, I put myself through so much struggle in my years outside of self forgiveness that even though I got to where I am now, I really regret that I didn't put more effort into returning to self forgiveness and Desteni, all because I was scared. I couldn't prepare to return to writting yet at the same time I had prepared. I planned to return one day, and I returned at around the exact time I had predicted. Opprituinuty meets preparation, and I call it luck.

Day 100- Thinking About Thinking

I remembered how much I think today.

You would imagine that a person should be aware when they're thinking.

I realized I think so much, constantly, even without words, I'm always thinking.

I notice that I day dream, because I don't do it all the time, so there are moments where I can isolate as being separate from day dreaming. It doesn't occur to me how much I'm thinking because there's no interval.

Even without words If feel like my mind is in the state of thinking of processing information.

When I need something to write about, I will think about what to write about.

I will think about lots of things to write about, but not get anywhere.

It's ironic because I don't think to write about thinking.

So I thought, after I realized how much I think, that I should write about that today, because I might forget again, so I want to take the opportunity while it is here, before I go back into thinking without realizing it.

It's like thinking doesn't mean anything to me, yet I do it constantly.

That's why I like Hearthstone so much because it is a strategy card game that involves a ton of thinking and applying the mind over time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize in self honesty how much I think, and realize what this must indicate about myself.

My thinking and thoughts are very manic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have manic thoughts and thinking, when it would be better to just relax and not over think everything.

It's like having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly think and analyze things to give myself a sense controlling my world.

The thinking doesn't help me control myself or my world, it helps me to control my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my mind from within my mind, instead of just letting go, and just thinking about the things I really need to, and letting go of the thinking that doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define trivial things as mattering and needing to be thought about, when they don't really matter outside of my own personal thought bubble and ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ware myself out with all of the thinking I do about everything in the name of my own personal identity as thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thinking.

I thought about how sometimes when I think, it sounds like my own voice, and if I try to emulate another person's voice in my head that I could probably do that constantly until it became natural.

I think a lot about decisions and choices and what's best for life, and other people and their own behavior as well as me and my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think my way through life, when I could instead live my way through life.

I don't really feel like I choose to think, it just happens compulsively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to thinking, where I do not have a say in thinking and in my thoughts, where it just all happens automatically.

Here is a question... Who am I as thinking?

I'm myself. I see thinking as part of how I function, thinking as much as I do can feel annoying and overwhelming, and when I get triggered by something I can think about it for days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by thinking, when this does not help me deal with thinking, annoyance itself is just obsessing over something another form of thinking.

Thinking is like tinkering.

It is basically just tinking, tinkering away at things, picking at everything in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find solace in predicting and preparing and presuming within my thoughts as thinking, instead of just facing more things head on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and act as if there is a looming threat in everything as if my life is at stake and I must plan everything and every moment and interaction out, when that's not self honest, what is more self honest is that I think not to out think some grave threat or plot against me, I think for my own indulgence, I think to compensate for my laziness and ill prepared nature.

If I were prepared I wouldn't have to think so much, if I made plans and stuck with them, I would not have to think so much, if I really trusted myself and could live and apply myself in a practical way I would not need to think so much.

I can't just stop thinking, which was discussed in my last vlog, but what I was over thinking in that vlog was the need to stop the mind in each breathe to stop thinking, and that only applies to a certain degree is how I see it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe thinking compromises who I am, when it is the other way around, in self honesty, I compromise who I am so I can have what I expierence and receive through thinking.

I trade myself to thought, thought does not do anything to me, unless I lent myself to it.

I made the thought, so I would bend myself for the thought.

Thinking and thoughts are like seeds just like with reactions and other things, programmed to reach a certain length in time before they sprout.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught off guard by day dreaming and by my thoughts, when I could predict them, and walk with them in real time, in theory.

If I understood how I programmed my mind, and when my next thought was programmed to occur, or what might trigger it earlier than it's planned vibration or growth or occurance.

My whole life seems to be just thinking.

That's why I was excited to get into writting again, because writting is like manifesting and creating and living and doing, planning, predicting, it's like taking all of the mind and applying it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be stable and focused on my breathing, in breathing self awareness, because I'm too busy thinking about crap.

I can't remember half of the things I think about, it's just part of my conscience excestiance. The only time I'm not thinking is in my sleep, that's why I dream so much and so creatively vividly and expressively.

Because thinking drains all my ability to create and express.

So if I'm going to do something particular or do something funny, I have to temporarily make sure I've shut my thinking off.

I have a pretty good sense of humor about things, maybe that is compensating for how thinking detracts me from living and expressing.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself thinking, and make myself aware in that moment of my thinking, and understand what does if represent for real in relationship to myself, and see what can be done to navigate said moment differently, or see what I learn about myself.

Being conscience for me is almost synonymous with thinking. I'd say it's actually hard to distinguish being conscience with thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my conscience be exsisting as awareness of personality and energy as thinking, instead of relationships, and practical applyable ideas, and breathing as being here where sometimes that is all you have.

I'm kind of tired last few days, and I'll be writting and I'll have that feeling of being tired, and I'll nod off right there whole writting than wake up flustered right after.

That feeling of being tired is like the thought, I can breathe through being tired, but by the time I give into the thought of being tired mentally or physically, I become very likely to fall asleep soon, sleep is like the thinking.

Being tired is nothing compared to sleeping.

Tired is the desire and sleep is the fulfillment.

So thoughts are like little desire bubbles, and thinking is what fills them up apposed to just letting them dicipate.

Yet even then, without self forgiveness no matter how many times I refuted the desire of thought eventually a bubble would find it's way through. Karmatically.


It opens up a lot, but critically, thinking is a good thing to address in my life right now, but the most important thing I want to carry over into tomorrow is preparation which I mentioned earlier.

I find myself in situations where I am maybe at work and am having a bad time, and I make a note of wanting to address whatever is giving me a bad time in the future so I can be prepared next time.

So it's time to pay that forward, where even though I'm trying to be more patient and not charge through my whole day, I still fall into many pitfalls I wish to prepare myself for. That will be for tomorrow.

Day 99- Self Medicating With Good Vibes.

If feeling good is what it will take to accomplish certain goals in my life, and I can do so without foreign substances, and remain my breathing and self forgiveness patterns, I might call it the best self medication next to breathing, and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel good, as to feel at peace, to feel like I can accomplish all my goals effortlessly, to feel complete and fulfilled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good and competent, instead of living the words good and competent.

Why feel these things instead of actually doing them.

I feel like I need a jump start.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize to feel a certain way and to actually live and express a certain way, is not the same thing.

I'm going to try to use self forgiveness to feel good.

Openly on my blog for public inspection and criticism, but I'm going to see for myself.

I don't know what is going to happen, but I will find out.

I want to live fulfillment, not feel fulfilled.

I just don't feel like I'm going to make it without a jump start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel very good all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel great constantly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel like I have the energy to do everything I set my mind to.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be centered and focused to do the things I'd like to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be centered and focused from all the times I have allowed myself to be lazy where I saw no reason to have discipline or authority to create something good in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to keep myself on a set track until my goal is accomplished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear accomplishing my goals when goals are another part of life, and existence. From point A to point B.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others weakening me, when others should be empowering me, as I should empower myself through others and through myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disenfranchise myself my entire life, in the name of feelings, and entertainment, taking away from my purpose and self fulfillment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not accomplishing enough in my lifetime.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize sometimes I must step away from the world, to focus on myself, as equal to the world.

I still don't feel good.

I feel ok, but burdened by what I must do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened by what I must do, instead of feeling good about what I must do, feeling like I can accomplish what I must accomplish.

I'm the one who feels, yet I cannot direct myself to feel anything at any moment, unless I activate a memory, or something in my environment to trigger a certain response.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself the power to feel however I'd like to feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the ability to decide how I would like to feel whenever I choose to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my feelings be based on reactions instead of me deciding how I would like to feel for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed out, when I have no good reason to be stressed out, and I could instead feel good about life.

'Feeling good' and 'good vibes' is something that I learnt a lot from in spirituality.

How can I invite good feelings into my life, and enjoy them, but also forgive my relationship to them.

I commit myself to trust myself in the direction I take within my self forgiveness as trusting myself to utilize good feeling and bringing good feelings into my life to enjoy, and support myself to be influenced to do better in all facets of my life, as well as a platform of forgiveness as another angle to look at things from.

Self medicating.

What happens when you use self forgiveness to try to feel good? I will find out what happens.

Day 98- Angry Robot

Every cat no matter what type of cat, will grow up to look distinguishable as a cat.

A cactus will grow into a cactus.

People will be people.

Things are programmed, be it through genetic code, or mind code, or sound code like with speaking self forgiveness.

Certain things are just programmed to happen, some reason, some how.

I got angry the other day, and it just hasn't left.

I'm angry that I'm angry, I'm angry that I've written about anger and emotions, but they still have to be faced again from all angles.

I'm angry at how automatic things are, there's no integrity, no compassion, just instantaneous reactions, and decisions based of ego and self interest.

I have no say, and that's infuriating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that I will automatically respond to things without any way to stop myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I can recenter myself with breathing, focusing, and self forgiveness after I respond to a certain point in my world, where I can't stop what was programmed, but I can forgive and redesign.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my preprogramming, when I was preprogrammed to hate it, so I'm left unable to speak, unable to change, caught in an endless loop until I muster the strength to let go and forgive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize there are benefits to living in a preprogrammed system, where I can see and predict how best to support myself and others mathematically.

I got angry, and all I had to do was forgive, but I was mad it happened in the first place, so I gave up on self forgiveness where I could have applied it, out of spite of myself and others, and everyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of what must be walked and faced in real time, before forgiveness can be applied.

If I've got 10 things I know are going to really grief me, really get under my skin, all happening tomorrow, but I only have enough time to write out one of them today.

I'm going to them still have to face all 10 of those things, but for at least one I have something under my belt, I have an opportunity to dig deeper into that moment. Which will also apply to all other 9 to a degree because all points of mind are woven together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beat myself up for not addressing my continuous back chat and anger earlier, because I believe anger to be one of the most important things to write out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge anger as the worst thing, needing the most address, when I'm the one who decided what need the most attention in my life, and anger is just an automated response like anything else, nothing special about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find comfort in believing I'm a good person because I don't get angry, when that's not self honest, of course I get angry, agitated, annoyed.

The extent of my anger and how it was being expressed internally through deliberate malicious backchat did seem like a pressing point, at the time, and for all intents and purposes will probably return when I become triggered again.

I'll be triggered plenty more before I die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into my triggers and reactions, instead of just taking a breather, and letting go, what was triggered was triggered, there was or wasn't something to have been done, but it's to not make things any worse than they already are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things worse after I'm triggered as being upset and angry with someone as thinking hatefully toward them, as playing right into the hands of the system, deliberately causing my own destruction.

Why give up? Why make things worse for myself?

I'm already liable to be triggered by many things in a single day, in general, so someone doing things directed toward me, I take very personally, like, 'as if things weren't bad enough you had to do that'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into my blame towards others making things worse for me through their interactions with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into this blame of others for making my life worse, when I deliberately think poorly of them and attack their character, when I know I should not be doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in and make things worse for me as feeding deeper into my reaction out of spite and blame, because I am existing as the thought, 'if you're just going to make things ever worse for me, than what's the point of even trying.'

Like I'm not working on the relationship for myself, I'm working on the relationship to be rewarded by the other person in the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to be treated better for trying hard at improving my relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad that 'I'm the only one in this relationship even trying, and for it I get nothing.'

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize, I cannot decide my progress based on how I am received externally, because everything is compromised, and I'm the only one with the authority to decide who I am and where I stand in relationship to the world.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself feeling as if I am being treated unfairly based on how much effort I've put into the relationship, as I realize myself as the only one able to give to myself the recognition of my progress, of my worth, of my existence, and as such I realize the worth I'm given to others is the worth they give to themselves, vice versa.

So I'm angry at someone else for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with them, so I'm angry at myself for not recognizing how hard I work on my relationship with myself?

I do feel unrecognized.

I didn't know it was such a big deal, I assumed good work was it's own reward.

Maybe I am recognizing myself, I just don't feel it.

I don't have a lot of practice at taking things back to myself.

People walk on each other, someone could come right up to me and trigger me, or I could walk up to someone else and trigger them.

It's not real control though.

The vampire has to be let into your home before it can drink your blood.

My reactions are my own.

I am alone, and it's scarier to think what I create as fear and anger is really of and toward myself, but it's already programmed that way, so best not to look down from the tight rope. Don't give into astonishment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the self value as the value of all of life equally, to just let go after a mistake, after a trigger, after something goes wrong, and to just move forward just as fast as the reaction occurred itself.

I will not surrender.

Day 97- Man On the Moon

What needs to be forgiven?

Nothing needs to be or has to be forgiven, so what would I chose to forgive?

With self forgiveness I've always had good conceptualization of what I was doing and where to forgive and how to dig into things in self honesty.

I've had some interesting choices along the way, but what's important is that I've come to grips with the need to write out and speak self forgiveness, along with the foundation of creating what's best for life, as the oneness and equality principle of being the change.

So that's been great, but I thought to myself today something I've never quite thought about.

I basically thought about the direction I'm taking my life through my self forgiveness.

When I spent my 2 years carving my own path, and having no success, I was taking myself in a certain direction, taking myself to rock bottom, taking myself to a place where I could finally admit to myself I need to stand with everyone through self forgiveness, written shared, self honest, with the intention of essentially purifying myself to become a blank slate that can be retrained to do what is best for all of life at all times.

I think that opens it up, self forgiveness is letting go and changing for real with self commitment.

But you don't have to live that, just like a confessional, you can make the same mistake again, and have to go forgive it again, and again, maybe deep down that's the plan all along.

I'm trying to take some time away from smoking, and hit a few road blocks here and there, but still a very exhilarating process, but after quiting for a few days, and then basically relapsing and having a few, they felt more intense, I enjoyed it more.

What if you forgave yourself to suppress, so when eventually you did something that you were supposed to have forgiven it feels even better, but it becomes even worse, because you lose your self worth your self trust.

Basically, after in my mind it said I need, I want a cigarette, 20 times, and I said no, and was affirmative each time, after I caved in on the 21st time it felt much better because I felt like I had tried, like I put up a worthy fight, like I was in the right.

The one thing for me when I was first growing up with Desteni, being around 14 or younger, I was still developing, and I was mostly alone outside of guidance on the forum.

I used to have this idea of walking my process as being a fight against the mind, to silence the mind and be here in stillness, but I didn't recognize the relationship and need for forgiveness, you can't change for real what is not forgiven for self.

Then breathing, and what is existing in a breathe, and how do you move a breathe, or not move, or really I can't explain how wacky breathing and my relationship to breathe got, in the same way I can say I have spectacular dreams, yet to go into detail on just what makes a dream so strange even after describing just how it made me feel, isn't easy.

So I'm not charging forward for once, I invested in that, and here's the pay off, I had a moment today that I stopped charging forward and really sat there and questioned some things.

It's basically how I grew up 14 maybe younger, on top of where I was in my life, I had a lot of ideas that I've had held up until maybe even more recently about how to stop the mind, but only now in recognizing certain things like the need for self forgiveness do I start to question some things.

One of those things was thinking I needed to stop feeling.

I understand and appreciate where I was coming from.

The idea of being a martyr giving up feelings, something that most define as what matters, as feeling good and happy and content with life, for the greater good, but now I don't so much see the need to be boxed in like that, but if being contained at that time of development in my life is what assisted me, and I see how both it did, and in some times it didn't, than that's understandable.

I see where I was coming form, and know that my intentions were good, and my heart was and is in the right place in everything, but that's not so simple, the system within myself I've created, cannot always be overdrive.

So feelings, what is a feeling? What is it to feel good?

If I feel, am I going to utilze it? To push myself harder, to continue walking my process?

I don't really need to ask that question, but I will to be safe, and I'd say yes, I have no doubt, I doubt yet I know I'll be fine, I don't know I'll be fine, but I trust that I will, I don't trust that I will, but I'm sure it will all pan out, it might not all pan out, but it'll probably work out.

I've written before how I've suppressed feelings, where no forgiveness was real, it was a change as energy.

I'd say that I've numbed myself in a lot of ways, and that's not the meaning of stopping the mind through self forgiveness, that's just making myself numb to the affects my mind as energy has on me.

That's what it is.

I need to start feeling more.

Which probably should include emotions as well.

The entire spectrum perhaps, all stimuli.

Taking a step back within boredom, as being numbed, so I will be more focused and more prepared when the time to charge returns.

I want to charge into my mind.

The imagery, the feelings, the emotions, everything that I've suppressed without actually having changed.

The only thing I want to address, before I walk on the surface of the moon again, is this desire to go back, just like with that cigarette, where it felt better to give up knowing I tried, but I'm not giving up, and I've never given up, but I'd dare the universe to try me, but not in a weird way because I won't put up with that, and I've done some drugs again recently, I need to make sure not to do any drugs, and trying to help people, I need to cool off and focus on myself for the most part, I realized I'm not in the position to help or support anyone in any significant way I need to just focus on myself more so right now.

So what is walking on the moon? It's the man on the moon, from Kid Cudi, an album title of his, and one of the songs on the album, and it was when I first started smoking pot, probably around the time I was introduced to Desteni as well 13 or 14, and the way I felt like I was not just complete and fulfilled and felt so good, I was in a dream world, I was more than even spirit.

Basically I felt really good, and I want to feel that way again, but without drugs, I want to embrace my feelings, yet still forgive them, self forgiveness within the relationship to feelings, not in trying to stop the feelings through separation as suppression.

So having my cake and eating it to...

Another paradigm shift.

Here we go...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push my feelings away, because I believed that was how I would stop them, when that just suppressed them without real change, and that real change is me forgiving myself, self honestly as realizing how things really occur and what they should be changed, as the real evolution of man as self actualization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I could have believed the contrary, and had believed that in feeling and experiencing more you can process more, yet that's just another end of the coin without self forgiveness, but I have self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize as long as I maintain my integrity through writing self forgiveness and breathing in each moment to live and manifest the living word, I can change for real, but that I can also utilize whatever might support me in finding myself.

'Finding myself' there's another mantra.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to feel anything because I believed the point was to not feel, and I ingrained that idea within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it is bad or wrong to be moved by feelings, to move myself, or to be moved by what's already in place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can design and change my feelings and how I feel and experience myself as feeling in a way that can be supportive, such as feeling like I have the energy and feel good about being at work and going to work, which supports me to be here in my breathe during my work day, as well as giving me a new perspective contrary to where I have placed myself in relationship to feelings for a very long time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize there are any number of ways to go about my day, but it is the self forgiveness that is what binds me in each breathe, to live that forgiveness and commitment in each breathe in each moment.

So, regardless, I must be fulfilled, I must be the one to fulfill myself,

No one ever told me to stop feeling, I just did it, I was just growing up when I was introduced to a lot of the Desteni concepts, and certain things just fell into a certain place a certain way, I did well given I had very little oversight, and had to just trog through all this information on my own for the most part, but the point is I got to where I am today, on my way to paradise, on my way to heaven on earth, on my way to creation. Home at last.

It's time to flip things on their head.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I experience feeling within me, as I focus in and amplify everything about what I feel, as well as draw in more feeling on top of it, to thusly, realize for myself in real time, what has and has not changed is not dependent on my experience, it's dependent on what is lived, so I can see that I'm still existing as feeling as much as I ever have, I've simply suppressed
, but now with self forgiveness, I can grant myself passage back to the moon, back to that feeling I had, as well as many other's I might not be as happy to see, but in each breathe grounding myself, and thus moving myself day by day, as the living word, as my purpose, as my might. My kingdom.