One example is if I have something on my mind before work and I don't resolve it, I'll have that thing on my mind all day at work, because I'm too busy to address it in any practical way.
Another is when I'm at work and something triggers me and in the same way I am now bothered by whatever I allowed myself to be triggered by, and then if I don't write it out I risk it occurring again.
I want to bridge the gap between when I'm at work am having a bad time, and just want to get done with work, with when I get home and just want to shake it all off and forget about my problems at work, just to go back to work with the same problems.
I think some of this has to do with my procrastinating character.
Where if I don't feel like doing something I will have energetic resistance to doing a certain thing, so then will wait till the last second or try to weasel my way out of the situation.
I forgibe myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value preparation in my life, to avoid repeating the same pitfalls.
When I was a kid I didn't have to prepare for anything I was supported and prepared for by my family.
I feel like that part of me didn't grow up yet. I find myself still expecting things in my life to just come together on their own.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to live in the past where my life was prepared and scheduled by my parents and the government where my only responsibility was to go to the bus stop and go to school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as immature as not having matured as realized certain responsibilities for myself coming into adulthood, when all I need is to self honestly introspect as taking an inventory of all my new obligations and responsibilities and learn how to manage them without the perpetuating of the idea that I'm not competent enough to take on the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incompetent.
It just sounds so hanass, so hateful, like, I haven't really given a reason to see myself as unable to rise to the occasion, to learn, to adapt, to take on responsibility, so why do I see myself in that light.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the idea of me being incompetent when I repeat the same mistakes again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put so much pressure on myself to vanguish all mistakes to create some kind of perfection in my life without mistakes.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize if being incompetent means making mistakes, than that's a flawed detention, out of spite.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful of my mistakes of me for making them, instead of just being patient and walking with myself not to prevent mistakes from ever happening but to support myself in stopping the ones that I can learn from and improve upon.
That seems much more palpable.
I can move myself to a better stance within my world, but when I go to work unprepared for certain interactions and ble the other person for doing what I expected them to do and triggering myself the way I already knew I would, this seems lack luster in terms of self honesty.
To start, I need to prepare to be pissed off.
I need to prepare to have bad thoughts.
I need to prepare to be annoyed and argumentive and anger prone.
I need to be prepared to just be a jerk or a jack ass or crude or inconsiderate.
Because I'm not better than these things, I know these things will happen, I want to be prepared, not evasive.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be prepared to face bad thoughts and hate and spite and ego, because I think I can be better than those things by stopping them within my mind.
That brings me back to living change and energy change.
I want to change these things for real, but in self honesty I know that this will not happen all at once, I must be prepared for what is already set in place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my bad characteristics only to be surprised when they return.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surprised when I see something bad such as deliberate backchat towards someone out of spite, when if I had been self honest and paying attention to my paaterns and characters, I would have predicted it, and would not have been surprised at all.
I would have been prepared.
Preparing for what I know will happen can lighten the blow.
I don't go out much, I just go to work mostly, and I was planning to take 1 or 2 college courses on top of my work load.
So with just school and college and writting and a few other responsabilites like starting to work out or eat better maybe do some reading, that really really puts me in a place of suchstability it should not be that hard to be prepared for the girth of what I will face on an average day.
There are always curveballs, but even then in living the word prepared in itself is enough to cover everything.
So what else about being a kid and feeling inept.
I feel inept when I see myself as unprepared, so why don't I just be prepared? Because I see myself as inept.
It's an endless cycle, I need to just get up and get ready, to just prepare and then execute.
The judgement really tangles things up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept because I do not properly prepare and execute activities and obligations in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inept and in response do not properly prepare or plan and thus execute things in my life, because 'why should I'? 'That is not who I am.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the character of being inepet when I procrastinate and do not prepare, because I do not feel like rising to the occasion, and thus preparing, and then executing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a spontaneous character because in spontimuity you don't have to prepare or feel like doing something.
I would see that pushing through resistance of not feeling like doing something but having prepared and planned and then executing it regardless of resistance is better than just spontaneously doing things without rhyme or reason.
Times to be spontaneous and times to plan prepare and be responsible.
Like setting an alarm clock before you go to bed.
The other day, I don't remember if I just hit snooze on my alarm clock or forgot to set it, but I remember walking up through my own volition randomly looking at the time, with 15 minutes to get up and go to work.
In that case because I am good at being spontaneous I got up dressed and ran to my car, not very hygenic way to start the day, but I made it one time.
Point being, I couldn't imagine being able to rely on waking up at the right time for work based on some internal clock, I need my alarm clock to be set.
Reliability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray my self trust when I jump into a situation make the same mistakes, and then do not prepare better for next time nor make amends or adjustments.
That just feeds into my thinking.
I have to think to prepare instead of actually prepare because I have already established I'm just winging my way through life on a whim.
Finding Desteni randomly, my jobs all walk ins into very nice plush jobs, my friends just people I stubbled upon.
There was a quote I remember that I took to gut, I say that instead of taken to heart just for fun.
I took to gut the quote, it goes something like, "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"
I identify as an excessively lucky person.
I don't even have all the things I want, but I just have so much going for me, I consider myself very lucky in that regard.
Which is the other side of the coin, where I say I do not prepare, but in what parts of my life do I prepare for?
If there is no luck only preparation and opportunity, and I see myself as lucky.
I have either a lot of opportunities, being middle class white in America they say nets you opprituinuty, I would say I has more to do with the moula.
Or I either am very very prepared and just call myself lucky, because I'm under appreciating myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to fate to see how things turned out for me the way they did, instead of looking to myself and asking myself in what ways have I prepared myself for this, what role did I play in what is happened in my life, how can I prepare down the line, by looking to the past.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not preparing adequately for something that will bring strife and struggle into my life, and in that moment of seeing what is to come or may come, ask myself do I want this to be harder than it has to be, and if so why do I tolerate such insolence.
That's an intense word, but that's how it feels sometimes, I just wish not as much recently but for example in the past, I put myself through so much struggle in my years outside of self forgiveness that even though I got to where I am now, I really regret that I didn't put more effort into returning to self forgiveness and Desteni, all because I was scared. I couldn't prepare to return to writting yet at the same time I had prepared. I planned to return one day, and I returned at around the exact time I had predicted. Opprituinuty meets preparation, and I call it luck.
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