Day 100- Thinking About Thinking

I remembered how much I think today.

You would imagine that a person should be aware when they're thinking.

I realized I think so much, constantly, even without words, I'm always thinking.

I notice that I day dream, because I don't do it all the time, so there are moments where I can isolate as being separate from day dreaming. It doesn't occur to me how much I'm thinking because there's no interval.

Even without words If feel like my mind is in the state of thinking of processing information.

When I need something to write about, I will think about what to write about.

I will think about lots of things to write about, but not get anywhere.

It's ironic because I don't think to write about thinking.

So I thought, after I realized how much I think, that I should write about that today, because I might forget again, so I want to take the opportunity while it is here, before I go back into thinking without realizing it.

It's like thinking doesn't mean anything to me, yet I do it constantly.

That's why I like Hearthstone so much because it is a strategy card game that involves a ton of thinking and applying the mind over time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize in self honesty how much I think, and realize what this must indicate about myself.

My thinking and thoughts are very manic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have manic thoughts and thinking, when it would be better to just relax and not over think everything.

It's like having control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly think and analyze things to give myself a sense controlling my world.

The thinking doesn't help me control myself or my world, it helps me to control my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my mind from within my mind, instead of just letting go, and just thinking about the things I really need to, and letting go of the thinking that doesn't matter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define trivial things as mattering and needing to be thought about, when they don't really matter outside of my own personal thought bubble and ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ware myself out with all of the thinking I do about everything in the name of my own personal identity as thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify as my thinking.

I thought about how sometimes when I think, it sounds like my own voice, and if I try to emulate another person's voice in my head that I could probably do that constantly until it became natural.

I think a lot about decisions and choices and what's best for life, and other people and their own behavior as well as me and my behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to think my way through life, when I could instead live my way through life.

I don't really feel like I choose to think, it just happens compulsively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to thinking, where I do not have a say in thinking and in my thoughts, where it just all happens automatically.

Here is a question... Who am I as thinking?

I'm myself. I see thinking as part of how I function, thinking as much as I do can feel annoying and overwhelming, and when I get triggered by something I can think about it for days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by thinking, when this does not help me deal with thinking, annoyance itself is just obsessing over something another form of thinking.

Thinking is like tinkering.

It is basically just tinking, tinkering away at things, picking at everything in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find solace in predicting and preparing and presuming within my thoughts as thinking, instead of just facing more things head on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and act as if there is a looming threat in everything as if my life is at stake and I must plan everything and every moment and interaction out, when that's not self honest, what is more self honest is that I think not to out think some grave threat or plot against me, I think for my own indulgence, I think to compensate for my laziness and ill prepared nature.

If I were prepared I wouldn't have to think so much, if I made plans and stuck with them, I would not have to think so much, if I really trusted myself and could live and apply myself in a practical way I would not need to think so much.

I can't just stop thinking, which was discussed in my last vlog, but what I was over thinking in that vlog was the need to stop the mind in each breathe to stop thinking, and that only applies to a certain degree is how I see it now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe thinking compromises who I am, when it is the other way around, in self honesty, I compromise who I am so I can have what I expierence and receive through thinking.

I trade myself to thought, thought does not do anything to me, unless I lent myself to it.

I made the thought, so I would bend myself for the thought.

Thinking and thoughts are like seeds just like with reactions and other things, programmed to reach a certain length in time before they sprout.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught off guard by day dreaming and by my thoughts, when I could predict them, and walk with them in real time, in theory.

If I understood how I programmed my mind, and when my next thought was programmed to occur, or what might trigger it earlier than it's planned vibration or growth or occurance.

My whole life seems to be just thinking.

That's why I was excited to get into writting again, because writting is like manifesting and creating and living and doing, planning, predicting, it's like taking all of the mind and applying it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be stable and focused on my breathing, in breathing self awareness, because I'm too busy thinking about crap.

I can't remember half of the things I think about, it's just part of my conscience excestiance. The only time I'm not thinking is in my sleep, that's why I dream so much and so creatively vividly and expressively.

Because thinking drains all my ability to create and express.

So if I'm going to do something particular or do something funny, I have to temporarily make sure I've shut my thinking off.

I have a pretty good sense of humor about things, maybe that is compensating for how thinking detracts me from living and expressing.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself thinking, and make myself aware in that moment of my thinking, and understand what does if represent for real in relationship to myself, and see what can be done to navigate said moment differently, or see what I learn about myself.

Being conscience for me is almost synonymous with thinking. I'd say it's actually hard to distinguish being conscience with thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my conscience be exsisting as awareness of personality and energy as thinking, instead of relationships, and practical applyable ideas, and breathing as being here where sometimes that is all you have.

I'm kind of tired last few days, and I'll be writting and I'll have that feeling of being tired, and I'll nod off right there whole writting than wake up flustered right after.

That feeling of being tired is like the thought, I can breathe through being tired, but by the time I give into the thought of being tired mentally or physically, I become very likely to fall asleep soon, sleep is like the thinking.

Being tired is nothing compared to sleeping.

Tired is the desire and sleep is the fulfillment.

So thoughts are like little desire bubbles, and thinking is what fills them up apposed to just letting them dicipate.

Yet even then, without self forgiveness no matter how many times I refuted the desire of thought eventually a bubble would find it's way through. Karmatically.


It opens up a lot, but critically, thinking is a good thing to address in my life right now, but the most important thing I want to carry over into tomorrow is preparation which I mentioned earlier.

I find myself in situations where I am maybe at work and am having a bad time, and I make a note of wanting to address whatever is giving me a bad time in the future so I can be prepared next time.

So it's time to pay that forward, where even though I'm trying to be more patient and not charge through my whole day, I still fall into many pitfalls I wish to prepare myself for. That will be for tomorrow.