Day 435- Purifying, 'Growth'

 I always go back to the same point.

Like I made a choice to isolate a long time ago, to challenge and risk and try to 'grow' from a point of dishonesty with myself. For a time that I could not even face myself, face myself as Desteni, face myself as the Destonians, face myself as Bernard as the portal as parts of myself I refused to take accountability for. 

I always go back to this point, like my greatest point of regret, where I can stem every single choice, every word, every moment now to this exact moment in the past, where I made a choice and accumulated choice after choice after choice to remain in that isolation and push a point within myself where i refused to even take self honesty to do any writing, self forgiveness for a very long time, over 2 years. 

A time I created an illusion of 'growth', I did grow as consequences, I grew as generating myself as energy as consequences as problems I'll have faced and continue to face now and for eternity. 

I raised a middle finger to common sense to actually doing the work, I fully embraced and indulged in my consciousness trap/delusion and a part of me was non privy to the reality of what I was doing, and yet a part of me was so certain in myself and my capacity, and in a way I was right, but in more ways I was wrong, and I was very very afraid. 

...

I walk damned by myself...

...

layer by layer, word by word, I have the new opportunity, but it's a burden still and a lot of work, a lot of birthing, birthing self as the physical, birthing self as self honesty, birthing self as my final stand in this last life, in this one life and one body.

FORGIVE ME.

...

I'm so sorry to myself, to all as myself for what I could have stood as and created, I give whatever is left, I resign myself to whatever I can still do, ad infinitum. Till here no more. 

...

Growth;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my idea of what it means to grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my idea of my potential to grow as a being as what is best as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not grow that part of me that could have seen myself through the storm with grace and dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow that which was the seed of which I was already programmed to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow as malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow as fear and constriction of my body holding myself down playing a game of suppression until I realize I was not going to stand unless something change of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strip away from myself my potential to grow free magnificent unmolested undisturbed unbothered by abuse and constraints of spite and undue danger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ot grow as ego as illusion as the idea that I need the mind to be more that I need ideas to be more, that growth as who I am was not real and not possible and not plausible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever give myself as a choice anything but to grow as self honesty as oneness and equality as absolutely giving my life to the point of what is best despite my copiousness interpreting and controlling and restricting the possibilities that could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time to grow has long ended and that survival is all that is left and all that I am worth or can ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to grow in this world system means you cannot grow as real value as self while still having no choice but be here in this system where you are a participant and so a parasite. 

...

When and as I see myself limiting my idea who I can be as growth to a feeling, to an experience, to my past trauma embed in the flesh, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can walk a scientific path, as a path that I can make clear and concrete to myself and others for eternity of who I am and who I will allow myself to be where real growth can be seen proven and trusted, thus, I commit myself to grow only as what is best as what is here in words and so in flesh shared for myself and others to agree upon and move physically as a basis of decision making. 

Growth.

I redefine growth as to establish point by point in the physical, to accumulate over and over the proof and absolute certainty of what is best based on the physical as reference together one and equal with all other points of physicality here as all beings physical alive in flesh.  

Day 434- Speaking as knowledge and information

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my living of communication when I speak aloud.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to actually communicate less effectively when I am speaking my words aloud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor so much knowledge and information that when I speak, I am actually communicating and sharing less effectively than if I were to simply be in silence within my own word as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that speaking aloud is good without any methodology of ensuring and cross referencing that the words coming out of my mouth are living words not just words with a mind consciousness agenda. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to reteach myself how to speak words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my ability to communicate my words aloud for granted as assumed good and useful and proper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not filter and challenge and equation every single word that comes out of my mouth spoken aloud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak my words from the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life with my words spoken aloud not representing me as life but representing the systems of the mind being allowed to speak on my behalf.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ton t question if any word I have ever spoken was a real living word or simply information meaningless and void without regard for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to create a new language as a language of living words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ensure that I am living the words as I am speaking words so that I can cross reference myself while I am speaking the words aloud.

When and as I see myself speaking as knowledge and information without life as substance, I stop, I breathe, I realize that entirely rewriting my language into a living word language and to be living words as I speak words is totally contradictory to what has been permised and allowed in the system up to this junction, thus, I commit myself to take on the greatest and most rewarding challenge in all of exsistence to rewrite the human language starting with myself as a living word language, I commit myself to be living my words as I am speaking my words.

I redefine language as a set of codes and symbols meant to be used to project and create an idea into substance.

Day 433- Living words

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to speak words before learning to live the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spoken words my entire life without living them and being clear who i am as the word as the potential within each word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have learnt words in terms of to manipulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have filled myself up with as much useless information and knowledge in words as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied my potential in never considering who I am as living as more than information as consciousness as experience as imagination as word designed to separate me from reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is anyway forward for myself in my life than to come back to who I am word by word lived corrected and applied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rendered myself useless without living as my word in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone to school to learn that life is about nothing and there is no purpose to life than to be a slave to knowledge and information in the mind stored without any divinity or purpose behind a single word integrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to cheat my way through life and exsistence using word to abuse myself and others to get ahead as ego as the idea of why I am here without definition or purpose or reason seeking only for energy for the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not presenting this point to me where I had to simply suffer and face ceaseless consequences and discomforts until I could come to terms with certainty the obviousness of process beginning and ending with the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into spite towards others believing that others are responsible on my behalf to take charge and direction over the point of the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others as life as not bringing forward this solution sooner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to subtract myself and so live my word as subtraction as energy brought back to myself in a loop of self interest.

...

When and as I see myself not directive and living as the word as the living word, as seeing who I am as living as a word, as directing myself to live as a word in any moment, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is the only solution, as this is the basis of process, thus, I commit myself to share the living word with others as myself in all ways possible until the point is clear and process can be walked effectively by all.

I commit myself to never lapse a moment where I am not creating myself and taking responsibility for myself as an individual as a living word.

I redefine living word, as to be here expressing and acting according to the words of which I have programmed into the flesh in a way that is best for life in a way that brings the word alive as more than knowledge and information for self to become subtracted and limited to energy consuming to fuel words misaligned in the physical body.

Virus free mind.

Day 432- Physical living action

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret going into my mind as into separation within myself where I am not acting but letting the mind act as me in my steed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inactive while my mind is active as energy is active as experience activates constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define action within my mind where I do not see my real actions in reality as relevant and only what moves and so what is being activated inside of myself as programs and systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of having defined my most important component here in my living of action to be delegated as self interested as mind experience activating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all the cellular activity as every cell in every organ of my entire body is acting and doing so without mind without experiences but simply as an action of what it is as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as the mind and not as life giving myself free choice to always chose to not act and to go into inaction and a state of repression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction as shock as disbelief as still denying who I was as allowing myself over time to be so self interested as a system devoid of live not acting in the physical not living as action not considering that I am power here in my real living of action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as depression as inaction as giving into energy states to totally possess me and decide for me fi I take certain actions of abuse to serve my mind and keep my mind alive or if I actually change myself in action where real change always is occurring physically in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself and live greatness as pushing my physical living to it's ultimate cutting edge of possibilities to create in reality and so give.

When and as I see myself giving into depression as the experiences as letting my mind as energy as reaction act in place of me living action and creating best my potential here in the physical, i stop, I breathe, I realize that I have been taking actions within myself as illusion and deception of separation and so my physical actions of accumulation over time has showed me being possessed and completely rendered irrelevant and useless in reality, thus, I commit myself to wholly and fully dedicate myself to who I am as live where action is my greatest power and the best version of myself possible take real significant meaningful action in every moment.

I redefine action as to move and create and construct according to my physical body in relation to all other physical bodies in exsistence. 

I commit myself to act in ways that will actually accumulate in time what is best and not just serving me to hide and isolate and dwell in the space of the mind that directs me to withhold and reserve myself from within exsistence yet separated and not considering it. 

Day 431- Actual understanding, seeing.

 Money system is equal to me.

Who am I as changing my living relationship to money?

Politics is equal to me.

Who am I as living politics? 

Language is equal to me.

Who am I as directing myself as my words and supporting/directing others equally as their words and so the words that bind and tie everything together starting as ourselves? 

... 

When will I ever actually take it all back to myself and become certain in who I am as getting to the bottom of myself and this reality, as actually caring for myself as this reality?

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process in fear of being wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Bernard that he must understand everything and direct me upon what to do and how to act, despite him having given the tools and resources that I might discover starting as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see clearly for myself where I see the truth starting as myself and stand and live for that truth every single day until I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as pathetic half measures not seeing things all the way where I am refusing to see starting with myself and questioning starting with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not commit myself to seeing the truth starting with myself, as seeing what I need to do, seeing who I am as this world, seeing how far I need to go for myself as all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself and all others as pathetic as not seeing everything as I myself am afraid to see everything clearly and see the indisputable truth of this process I am walking equally with all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see things in a way that suits me as how I was already living or abusing or not considering serious points within myself as the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to see the truth starting as myself once I am already in deep shit, in deep pain, in deep mistakes, in deep consequences for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see how committed I must be where it is not a game of energy of up and down reward as that was what fucked me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate and hold back and refuse to see myself all the way through despite having seen enough of myself and others to have the full pictures of all that is entailed and required of me in this lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as the most responsible for myself as it as always been me as myself fucking with reality as creating reality inverse in experience in energy in not wanting to see that there is a solution that I must actualize. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to see on my behalf that I may not have to walk as far as required or be as diligent as required or do the research to see for myself as much is needed for me.

When and as I see myself struggling and in conflict on what I am seeing in this reality as myself as I see it within myself equal and one, i stop, I breathe, I realize that if I rely on others to see the picture for me and keep feeding me answers and not asking the questions and receiving of myself, then I will never actually stand for what I see and keep deceiving and creating illusion and lying to myself and being spiteful that I see the obvious but want to justify myself as excused as not seeing or not capable of seeing the full picture of what is occurring in this reality as myself, thus, I commit myself to see for myself, to study for myself, to ask for myself, to try for myself, to act for myself, to be responsible for myself and stop expecting others to do what has always been my responsibility. 

I redefine to see, as to direct myself as my I as the one me, to recognize all that is around me as also me equally.

I redefine to see as to take in the information onto myself for me to direct it accordingly to my process of where I am in relation to myself and all that is around me. 

Day 430- I am spiteful

 https://www.desteni.org/desteni-material/blog/interviews-farm-11-why-are-we-here-earth?fbclid=IwY2xjawIm5ctleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHbXSdsbxj5tbnGqjMYEocfjf2RWO9fKaP8bhHD0-SB6gTPQhcHcRNPselQ_aem_PEsKMjxNQAT3PrF_0H7EQA

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in refusing to forgive myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a hoice of how I walk my apparent process for my self intrest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have destroyed my reality through spitefullness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my spitefullness based on judging others as more or less spiteful to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself in self forgiveness of myself as the most spiteful being who ever exsisted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an idea as judgement picture in my mind that the elite are in fact the most judged as spiteful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when I see they are clearly going into spitefullness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear destroying myself as life in a final moment of spite as the moment of death where I had not changed despite the fact that it could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep giving myself the idea that I can make choices or that choice not clearly defined and acted upon as what is best as being the only choice that is ever valid or real.

When and as I see myself struggling and in difficulty and pain due to having made choices that lead to this suffering, I stop, I breathe, I realize that all of my suffering I have ever endured was due to me giving myself an idea of choice, that I should be best to learn from suffering than to simply do what is best for myself and all in one and equal, thus, I commit myself to decide in this moment to remain steadfast moving forward that I reamin here in breath where I can decide what is best for life in each choice wihthout being comproimsed by mind as the spite of, not being here, in spite of the evidence that here is the only thing worth hearing. 

Day 429- Star 15- Electromagnetic radiation

 https://eqafe.com/p/you-re-a-star-reptilians-part-466

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Stars produce energy through nuclear fusion. This process creates electromagnetic radiation, including light. 

I am learning about stars. 

I learnt about stars relating to electricity. I put in a long list of words about electricity

 into Techno Tutor.

I did self forgiveness on the word electricity and some things I realized tied

directly into my living of the word electricity. 

Then I redefined the word for myself.

...

Star is a word that represents something to people, and also has a physical cross reference in reality.

There is a lot of science and understanding behind the word star when looking at the celestial body of the star in space. 

Taking on the unique aspects of the word star and then processing them, takes the word back to me, and so back to myself and my living as equal to star. 

There is a lot science to take back to myself and uncover within the word star.

...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the word star and draw a blank not considering how much science and research and words already exist in relationship to actual celestial bodies as stars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the word star and just see the four letters that compose it written on a page and not consider and see the entire world and multiple dimensions of what this word represent as what a star really entail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn what a star is from my mind and not from my being from processing and defining the word for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that a star is an entire universe just as I am equally a physical body composed of many pieces all functioning together to make a single being. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind I am superior to a star because of my vocabulary where I can create opinions and ideas of myself relative and in separation to others self's as other things I see around me. 

When and as I see myself looking at the word star, and seeing nothing but four letters on a page or screen, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am not taking the symbol back to myself as the entire universe that it represent and I am seeing the world in black and white and void of life, not considering myself equal to all that is, thus, I commit myself to break apart every nuance to the word star over the course of the entire year. 

I commit myself to educate myself on what Electromagnetic radiation is. 

I commit myself to educate myself on what is a star and to redefine each word of interest that I learn for myself so that my learning becomes my living in equality and oneness not just knowledge and information in separation.