Day 435- Purifying, 'Growth'

 I always go back to the same point.

Like I made a choice to isolate a long time ago, to challenge and risk and try to 'grow' from a point of dishonesty with myself. For a time that I could not even face myself, face myself as Desteni, face myself as the Destonians, face myself as Bernard as the portal as parts of myself I refused to take accountability for. 

I always go back to this point, like my greatest point of regret, where I can stem every single choice, every word, every moment now to this exact moment in the past, where I made a choice and accumulated choice after choice after choice to remain in that isolation and push a point within myself where i refused to even take self honesty to do any writing, self forgiveness for a very long time, over 2 years. 

A time I created an illusion of 'growth', I did grow as consequences, I grew as generating myself as energy as consequences as problems I'll have faced and continue to face now and for eternity. 

I raised a middle finger to common sense to actually doing the work, I fully embraced and indulged in my consciousness trap/delusion and a part of me was non privy to the reality of what I was doing, and yet a part of me was so certain in myself and my capacity, and in a way I was right, but in more ways I was wrong, and I was very very afraid. 

...

I walk damned by myself...

...

layer by layer, word by word, I have the new opportunity, but it's a burden still and a lot of work, a lot of birthing, birthing self as the physical, birthing self as self honesty, birthing self as my final stand in this last life, in this one life and one body.

FORGIVE ME.

...

I'm so sorry to myself, to all as myself for what I could have stood as and created, I give whatever is left, I resign myself to whatever I can still do, ad infinitum. Till here no more. 

...

Growth;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my idea of what it means to grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my idea of my potential to grow as a being as what is best as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not grow that part of me that could have seen myself through the storm with grace and dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow that which was the seed of which I was already programmed to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow as malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow as fear and constriction of my body holding myself down playing a game of suppression until I realize I was not going to stand unless something change of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strip away from myself my potential to grow free magnificent unmolested undisturbed unbothered by abuse and constraints of spite and undue danger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ot grow as ego as illusion as the idea that I need the mind to be more that I need ideas to be more, that growth as who I am was not real and not possible and not plausible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever give myself as a choice anything but to grow as self honesty as oneness and equality as absolutely giving my life to the point of what is best despite my copiousness interpreting and controlling and restricting the possibilities that could have been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my time to grow has long ended and that survival is all that is left and all that I am worth or can ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to grow in this world system means you cannot grow as real value as self while still having no choice but be here in this system where you are a participant and so a parasite. 

...

When and as I see myself limiting my idea who I can be as growth to a feeling, to an experience, to my past trauma embed in the flesh, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I can walk a scientific path, as a path that I can make clear and concrete to myself and others for eternity of who I am and who I will allow myself to be where real growth can be seen proven and trusted, thus, I commit myself to grow only as what is best as what is here in words and so in flesh shared for myself and others to agree upon and move physically as a basis of decision making. 

Growth.

I redefine growth as to establish point by point in the physical, to accumulate over and over the proof and absolute certainty of what is best based on the physical as reference together one and equal with all other points of physicality here as all beings physical alive in flesh.