Day 125- The Great Escape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with my emotional instability.

I can become upset over anything at anytime without any notice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate my emotional reactions to thoughts and feelings by putting up with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate how easily moved I am by thoughts and occurrences in my world that I try to maneuver around them to just have a moment or a brief amount of time where I'm not pinned to the wall by my own grief and anxiety.

The suppression just delays an even worse outburst of anxiety, stress, being disturbed or upset.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate a life of constant turmoil within and as myself where I am helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be helpless as unable to change for real in real time, where I don't see controlling and directing myself to stop participation as a possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and act on the idea that I must get past this moment of emotional distress, to deal with it at a later time once I've calmed down.

I don't seem to ever calm down.

Constant barrage of turmoil.

Constantly pelted.

This is not healthy for me.

I have to find the strength to forgive myself, to realize I'm treating myself inhumanely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about the way I treat myself through my relationship to the emotions and experiences I create within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an endless cycle of blame where I can never be self honest or come to terms with my emotions because I face a constant wall as blame, separating me from my own creation as my life.

I'm sad.

I don't stop to really look at what's going on I just push through, I put up with what I've created, and don't make the time and effort to isolate the actual problems in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not create opportunities to see and analyze and understand how I'm manifesting my reality through emotional turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate and embrace dying the way I am now, when I don't want to leave earth the way I've created myself in relationship to life.

What will it take to change?

When I get hit, when I realize it's time to attack myself with emotion, when I see deep down without even realizing it, an opening, an opportunity to attack myself with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with it, I have to stand in these moments, and realize I cannot keep running, I cannot escape for real.

These moments will occur until I die, and there is no escaping my misfortuneate creation.

It can happen at any place at any time, I'll always find a way to strike, to attack myself emotionally.

I know everything about myself and can take advantage of my body through emotional possession at any moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to escape my emotional roller-coaster of turmoil, when there is no escape, only a brief silence.

I don't want to edge myself on, I don't want to let things get out of hand ever again, I just want to proceed with my life, but without having to run away any longer.

So the emotional turmoil, and the thoughts, and the craziness occurs, who am I when this happens?

I'm possessed, I'm hopeless, I'm just riding it out, waiting for my chance to escape.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replay the same approach of riding out my emotional ride, waiting for my chance to escape, on repeat, when I've seen that this is not sufficient for actually facing and coming to terms with what I've burdened myself with through my relationship to emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time playing out the same antiquated formula of waiting for my emotions and turmoil to pass, only to learn nothing, and gain nothing, leaving myself weaker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate myself widling myself down to nothing through emotional turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of what I'm doing to myself through my relationship to emotions and the turmoil that arises from them.

I beg of myself, keep going, just keep going.

Please, I know I can keep walking just another day, it doesn't have to be beautiful, just keep trying.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself giving into fear of the emotional turmoil I create within myself, as I realize in that moment, why am I doing this? What exterior extension of my being have I created that is misaligned, blame and fear of things not existing within my direct reality.