It's like I'm allowing myself to be possessed by my mind under the guise of walking out my current mind structure.
Very clever, but also very counter productive, so I really am glad I was able to root this point out a little bit.
I don't know how to explain it, but I can see how it's important to work with words and the forgiveness of words, because looking from within my own mind I can't make sense of anything, but in the word, I see how you can assert your life force.
What am I trying to achieve within breathe?
Not just to walk out my mind in real time, in directing myself within my breathe in each moment, there's an unspoken goal.
To achieve peace within walking out my process in each breathe.
This goal has become slack, it's become something I have to carry on top of what I'm already spending so much effort and focus on in the actual walking out of my current mind design in breathe and self direction in my day-to-day life.
The desire to be at peace and enjoy each moment, to go though life in each breathe, effortlessly and within content.
To be liberated from pain and suffering.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create the results I desire without actually living them as manifesting them for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to force peace and contentedness onto myself in each breathe, when I try to achieve a state of mind, instead of achieve in living for real my process, as actually earning the results I'd like to have for myself.
It's just one of the hard truths, it's such a long process to be walked, and there's no shortcut to becoming and living the word content in each moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want something special as more than what I've earned in actually walking my process in each breathe for real, where, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to only putting in the effort and walking my process if it means I'll be rewarded special experiences and expression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my process as pointless without there being a light at the end of the tunnel, as to be at peace, to be free at last.
I know I would be happy if I could just make everything occurring and moving inside of myself just stop, but there's no shortcut, only time and effort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise what points I can actually walk out in real time as actually applying myself within my process when I seek above all else to achieve a state of mind where I'm high, or in nirvana, or at peace, where the rest would just be down hill, because there would be no struggle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my life more of a struggle when I'm trying to achieve something separate from my physical expression, through states of mind.
It's like, if I can just rush everything and clear my mind, I can go into that yoga/meditation good vibration feeling of clarity and content, but that doesn't stick, it's just an energetic experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly in each breathe try to move myself to a state of mind energy experience instead of just focusing on what's right in front of me constantly, as my own mind reflecting back at me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tune off as be separate from my process, where I can be off in an energetic peaceful state of mind, and just wait for my process to be resolved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to be the directive principle defining myself and who I am within my process in each moment, where I realize states of mind are what is making my life so difficult.
I'm trying to achieve peace and happiness where I need to just focus on walking in each breathe, I'm still burning up all of my energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for being misguided in my intentions once again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as doomed to repeat the mistake of walking my process in a selfish and unintutive manner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish and unintutive in how I've walked my process since I began, instead of learning what I have gathered and realized over the time I began writing and breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel all of my energy in each breathe into achieving a state of mind.
What kind of state of mind?
Relaxed
Happy
Content
All words that I'm capable of living and forgiving and redefining.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate states of mind as quick fixes to my problems.
This occurrence happens a lot at work,
I'm stressed our or having anxiety, or am just not content or even in pain, and I'm willing to compromise or give up on anything I've worked on or developed within myself just to rid myself of the negative expression I've found myself embodying.
In those moments I'd rather desperately flounder to make them stop, than to walk out patiently and in real time whatever is grieving me.
Who am I going to be in my breathe?
Breathing to achieve a state of mind? The experience of having stopped the demons?
Or, walking out for real in real time, breathe by breathe, focused on walking until the job is done, not on creating experiences to make my pain go away.
That opens up a lot for me, so, tomorrow I'm going to redefine the word breathe, which I already isolated as being significant for today, but go overwhelmed by the idea of how expansive and all encompassing this word has become to me, that I took a step back to learn about how I have been trying to create states of mind as an alternative to actually mining out the real problem and effective changing and walking it.
For now, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself trying to achieve states of mind within my breathe as experiences, as I realize what I can see here today shows me that my time and effort would be better spent focusing on each point at hand and walking it out to the best of my ability, without leaving slack as laziness, not willing to totally put myself into the job at hand, but wanting to be able to separate myself form the rough edges of my process.
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