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How I have situated myself lately has me weathering the storm, where the best I can do is to preemptively prepare and apply myself in forgiveness before whatever situation unfolds, because once a situation is already unfolding the choice to be who I'd like to be has already been well established.
If I want to accomplish something tomorrow, but don't send to the free time I have today to start writing things out in forgiveness and correction to support and prepare me for tomorrow, who I'll be tomorrow has already been very much decided today.
So then I just weather that storm, because even to sit down and write things out in forgiveness and correction is preprogrammed, my daily writing is very automated with only a few potential differences and even those are based around external factors and not really my normal pattern that I've established.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy always having a storm brewing inside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy playing the victim 'always something', so that I don't have to face anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy always trapping myself in a storm of something going wrong or some kind of conflict no matter how manufactured to keep me from having to rise above my limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brew storms around things that I have to do anyways like making a conflict out of doing work or going to work when if I'm going to do it anyways why make it a conflict, or making conflicts out of theoretical, where if it doesn't change what I have to actually do then why keep feeding into it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy always being in a storm where things are overwhelming so I can justify my imperfections based on the difficulty of the situations I always manifest within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the charge of self creation when I'm just surviving the waves I create indirectly within my preprogramming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my preprogrammed design when I know what I need to do in working things out in real time and self forgiveness and application and just need to figure out how to put those pieces into action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough time to correct myself when I'm not even willing to put up a fight with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let things happen naturally even if they cause distress or conflict in my life where I could instead assert myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ride the endless wave of conflict I create within my life on a daily basis instead of asserting myself and making decisions for myself.
When and as I see myself riding the waves of conflict within myself I create out of nothing on a daily basis, I stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm just letting things be this way when I could instead assert myself, but instead unwittingly accept that everything is just programmed to be a certain way and I cannot do anything beyond what I imagine, thusly, I commit myself to assert myself to apply myself and create myself in a way that does not revolve around going into constant conflict but instead me asserting myself into what I need to do and supporting myself to walk through my journey to life in one piece.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lay back and get dragged through my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to drag myself through each day when I have the strength and capacity to be more then dead weight within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disjoin myself into pieces where one part of me has to put extra work to drag the rest of me through the day while I kick and scream.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unable to face the day, and yet rise to the challenge when the time comes, leaving me with the part that doesn't think I can that has to be dragged, and the part of me that realizes if I don't do my best then things will only become worse and worse until I've become completely degraded as a person and have nothing left.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself through the day because even if I can face the challenges that exist in a single day then it's still going to hurt and be full of challenge and conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to drag myself through the day when this only makes things worse for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate myself making me drag myself through the day when this is purely out of spite and disdain for life, but I am life, so I'm ripping myself apart on the inside in this contradiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to drag myself through the day because I hate life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of compensating for my own hatred of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put up a proper fight with myself before simply giving into total self destruction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag out my self destruction instead of just taking it out all at once.
Where if I hate life so much and have to drag myself through every single moment, why don't I yell or scream, or do anything about it?
If I hate life and have to drag myself through each day, but won't do anything dramatic or radical, then it's just a matter of time and consequence before self forgiveness and correction is born, which is fine.
When and as I see myself dragging myself through the day, I stop, I breathe, I realize that if I have something I can do to express my Add to dictionary with life that is not harmful or dangerous then do it otherwise I'm just making it difficult for the part of me that is willing to face the day, thusly, I commit myself to not let myself drag the part of me that has an answer and is willing to do what it takes down with the part that has no answer except to drag everything else down with it.
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