Day 232- Fine Tuning

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I realized how I've been forcing direction within myself, and how I haven't been giving myself direction and realizing direction for myself in each breathe.

I was sitting trying to figure out what to write about, and I saw my mind constantly trailing off, and I had to keep reasserting myself, and I realized I should more naturally direct my mind and better establish myself when my mind drifts the wrong way.

My mind wanders off, I wander off, then I have to corral myself back and try to reassert myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stay on track within myself so I don't have to be constantly redirected and constantly have to reassert myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the parts of myself that I cannot directly take back and stand equal to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time on things that I know I have no standing in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time struggling to maintain and control things coming up within me that I know I have not established myself in relationship to enough to be able to do anything substantial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word humble in accepting the parts of me that I cannot take back and stand by within living and equality and that I will have to just let some things be until they come to a resolution or I assert myself in my writing or something moves into place within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over trying to stop my misalignment within my mind, instead of just focusing on directing myself in each breathe and letting everything fall into place from there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to concern myself with stopping my mind instead of stopping myself as walking things out by directing myself in each breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient when I want to stop my mind when I see it come up on impulse instead of maintaining myself in patience and directing myself realizing I cannot just tackle every single that comes up within me directly as sometimes it's better to just let things be and continue breathing and directing myself the best I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this adjustment within myself of directing myself instead of trying to direct my mind, as I realize my process is expansive and little daily adjustments and changes are very healthy.

When and as I see myself being pulled around within myself in relationship to my mind as energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize I don't need to stop myself from being pulled around I need to stop myself from being distracted from directing myself, thusly, I commit myself to maintain my self direction even when my mind is getting pulled around or I'm going on a tangent within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when I lay down for a nap and end up falling asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I don't have enough time to take a quality nap because I'm always so tired my naps end up with me asleep instead of just napping while just laying down still awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can be laying down completely aware and consciousness and within moments get dragged mentally completely into the nonsensical thoughts and experiences that come up right before falling asleep and losing awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I don't see how it is I can go from totally awake and totally centered just laying down with my eyes closed to tiredness totally possessing me and all of a sudden realizing I've been sleeping and have lost my chance to take a nap because it's now the next day already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that no matter how many times I try to wrestle with the pull of tiredness and try to just embrace and enjoy my tiredness by taking a nap, sleep always comes over me within moments of closing my eyes making napping impossible because me laying down and closing my eyes means I'll be instantly asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized in relationship to not having my way in terms of napping, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the fact that I can't direct myself to nap without falling asleep because I just don't understand how tiredness and energy all works so can't control it directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious before taking a nap because I fear being betrayed and ending up passing out when it's not time to go to bed thus messing with my schedule and my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized that even taking a nap has to have consequence and risk and I can't enjoy the simple luxury of just resting a little extra when I'm tired without having to commit to sleep which is different then taking a nap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit that everything has consequences when I refuse to admit that naps aren't the completely perfect and wonderful thing that I have defined them as.

When and as I see myself feeling victimized in relationship to naps, I stop, I breathe, I realize everything is one and equal within consequences and that even though I have defined naps as the most perfect relaxing way to recharge they can have sever consequence such as falling asleep on accident and being late for things, or falling asleep too early when I wasn't done with everything for the day, thusly, I commit myself to treat naps as one and equal to anything else as having risk and reward as having potential to be anything I make it to be so that I don't continue to go into naps expecting them to be rewarding trips on the brink of sleep and awake and realize nothing is without the other end of the spectrum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant within myself under the pretense that there's just nothing happening within myself which is not true at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being totally unmoved and stagnant within myself as me directing myself very slowly when I'm not directing myself I'm basically paralyzed afraid to move without even realizing what's happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived into defining me being paralyzed with fear and anxiety as me directing myself very slowly when I'm moving very slowly because I'm paralyzed and afraid to do anything within myself but from a totally automated standpoint where I'm not doing anything directly out of fear.

When and as I see myself stagnating with my self direction, i stop, I breathe, I realize that I'm not really stopped I'm just so paralyzed within myself that I'm giving up, thusly, I commit myself to direct myself in each breathe no matter what.